Thursday, October 13, 2005

Bird Flu Strikes Turkey

Now that's funny. And it couldn't happen to a nicer country.

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Sunday, September 11, 2005

My Crappy Dining Room Chandelier

Okay, that didn't work. Either I'm too tall or the fucking dining room ceiling is too short but I ended up standing there with a chord around my neck and a big tick bite on my arm.

The Cancer mocks me.

I've decided that I'll kill myself tomorrow in the sun room where there are 15 foot ceilings and the ceiling fan is a little more stable. Tonight I'll sleep and dream of a world where there is no Arm Cancer or big ticks sticking out of my arm and when I pull the big bulging blood-filled tick out, it's head isn't stilled lodged in me, and daisies blossom and levees don't break and puppies run the world from their skypods and decree that everyone be happy and Arm Cancer doesn't exist unless it manifests itself in Chimpy McHitler.

When I lick my arm scab, it tastes like burning.



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Nothing To See Here, Ignore Bill's Puss, Keep Moving...

I'm pretty sure I have Arm Cancer. Silly? Let me explain. First I got a pinced nerve on my left neck, shoulder and arm and my hand went numb occasionally. That was fine except it started happening a lot. My hand was numb and I couldn't lift my head. Then something happened to my elbow - Elbow Cancer. The muscles and joints started hurting. Finally, to complete my Arm Cancer, a tick, and not just any tick, but the mackdaddy of all ticks, lodged itself in my left arm and stayed there, without my knowledge, for like two days.

Consequently, I have a one inch round hole on my arm, the one with cancer, with a 1/8 of an inch BLACK HOLE in the middle of the BIG ASS ROUND HOLE. So, I either have Lyme Disease or I have Rocky Mountain Spotted Oyster Disease. Neither of which is very appalling.

I just turned 41 yesterday and was hoping to not die in the next 30 years or so. Unfortunately, that's not to be. Arm Cancer, especially Left Arm Cancer is a tough thing to beat. That's why this will be my final post. I have decided to end my life in my dining room. I will hang myself from the chandelier.

Thank you all for your support but this is for the best. I just can't live without my left arm. Goodbye left arm. Oh, and goodbye my darling wife.



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Thursday, September 01, 2005

RunRun RunRun RunRun Awaaaaaay (Psycho Killer)

Sweet Alice is running in the Rock and Roll half marathon this weekend. And while I'm very proud of her, I'm already exhausted just thinking about watching her. I don't run. I don't really move that much and the not moving has served me well. I'm still at my fighting weight of 185 (I'm 5'11 and extremely handsome as well). Not bad for never doing anything, huh? I'm blessed with a good metabolism. Okay, I don't really fight either.

Who runs 13 miles on purpose? I mean I know lots of people do it, I just don't understand why? The only way you'd ever get me to run is if you were chasing me with a chainsaw or some other deadly horror movie instrument. And even then I'd only make it about 50 to 100 feet before I gave up and and just let him carve me up. That's how much I don't like running.

In conclusion, give whatever you can to the victims of Katrina. God knows they need it. But make sure it doesn't go to any of those looting bastards. If you're going to give anything to them, it should be a bullet in the back of the head. Oh, and while I'm on the wrong subject, read this heartwarming tale (okay, it was on the FOX News website but now it's gone and I don't have a link so I'm paraphrasing:

One cop arrested a man for killing his sister over a bag of ice. It says a lot about the situation down there. Is cannibalism far behind?

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Tuesday, August 30, 2005

What's In A Name

Well, there's idiocy for one thing. Some really bad store names make you cringe, some make you roll your eyes and some make you laugh inspite of yourself. Examples?

Shear Perfection
Hair Today
Manely Hair
Curl Up and Dye (what???)
Boys and Curls

Gift Shops
Thistle Do Nicely
Chainstore Massacre

Squid Roe
Cheeses of Nazareth
Rhythm & Booze
Wok this Way
The Codfather

And finally...

Thong in Cheek

I apologize in advance for this post.

But if anyone has anything better (or worse), leave it in comments. Not that they work.

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Clinton's The Man?

I must say, after having been beaten senseless with Cindy! Sheehan for the past month, he kind of has a point.

It's certainly sensible to debate the Bush administration's success in Iraq, a war that won't be over any time soon, but the notion of a 1960s revival of marching and charging in the streets is simply naïve. The prof's exultation at 60 protesters in a small town is understandable, but it doesn't strike me as a harbinger of greater demonstrations to come. To state the obvious, there's no military draft today, and anybody who believes that the students who shut down colleges more than 30 years ago weren't acting out of self-interest are deceiving themselves. [Emphasis mine]

Here's an inconvenient reminder to those mired in the distant past. The huge Vietnam protests, some of which numbered a half million attendees, were a lot of fun for college students and those of us in high school. You got to cut class, meet up with buddies and smoke joints, scope the crowd for easy chicks, and call cops "pigs." Had the frightening specter of a letter from the draft board not existed, the numbers would've been minuscule, although still dwarfing today's extravaganzas.


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Who Gets To Pick The Music To Commercials?

Clearly, not me. Here's my commercial for the new 2006 GMC Jimmy.

Cue music: (The Who's Dr. Jimmy)

Laugh and say I'm green
I've seen things you'll never see.
Talk behind my back
But I'm off the beaten track.

Narrator: And you'll be off the beaten track in the new, fully loaded 2006 GMC Jimmy!

I'll take on anyone
Ain't scared of a bloody nose,
Drink till I drop down
With one eye on my clothes.

Don't drink and drive. And always keep at least one eye on the road.

What is it? I'll take it.
Who is she? I'll rape it.
Got a bet there? I'll meet it.
Getting High? You can't beat it.

Doctor Jimmy and mister Jim
When I'm pilled you don't notice him,
He only comes out when I drink my gin.

With optional on-demand, 4-wheel drive and a Vortec V-6 engine, you'll be fully prepared for off-roading fun as you rape Mother Earth!

You say she's a virgin.
I'm gonna be the first in.
Her fellah's gonna kill me?
Oh fucking will he.

So be the "first in" to your nearest GMC dealer!

(Tax, title, pills, tags, gin and virgins not included. See dealer for details.)

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Monday, August 29, 2005

Katrina And The 28 foot Storm Surge

Dear New Orleans,

I want you to know that I'm praying for you. I hope you get through this with as little destruction and loss of life as possible. That said, New Orleans, by all reports, you're fucked. You are Katrina's little bitch and Katrina is a large bull dyke with a baseball bat-sized strap-on. You are strapped to a table and Katrina is taking her pants off. She has no vaseline.

I'm not trying to be insensitive, New Orleans. It's just that, well, IT"S FUCKING RAINING IN THE SUPERDOME!

Good luck, New Orleans.



Related story: When the Levee Breaks

Update: "I'm not doing too good right now," Chris Robinson said via cellphone from his home east of the city's downtown. "The water's rising pretty fast. I got a hammer and an ax and a crowbar, but I'm holding off on breaking through the roof until the last minute. Tell someone to come get me please. I want to live."


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Overheard At Work

Chick: Man, this is delicious.

Guy: Yeah, well I believe my celery sticks are morally superior to your strawberry cheese danish!

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Thursday, August 25, 2005

Another Failed Business Venture IV

Billco Copying, Inc.

My first customer...

Me: Good afternoon! How can I help you?

Customer: I need 50 copies of this 22 page document.

Me: No problemo! Let's see, that's 50 times 22...which is 1100 pages. Anything else I can do for you?

Customer: No, that ought to do it.

Me: Okay, that'll be $5500 at $5 a page and you can pick this up in about six weeks.

Customer: What? That's outrageous!

Me: Sir, we do authentic copying at Billco. Everything is done by hand. I have 11 Indonesian children in the back working very hard to learn their letters. Where are you going? Hey paper and crayons are included in the cost...

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*Good news about the Iraqi Constitution from the NY Times? Yep.

*Cindy - Bad News for Democrats? Yep.

If Bush did invite Cindy for coffee and little "dialogue":

[Bush]: "Cream and sugar?"

[Sheehan]: "Yes, please, filth-spewer."

*Oops. Nix that NY Times thing above.

*Cindy Sheehan: Supergenius!

From the Same article, an interview between Sheehan and ABC's Mark Knoller:

Knoller: You know that the president says Iraq is the central front in the war on terrorism. Don't you believe that?

Sheehan: No, because it's not true. You know Iraq was no threat to the United States of America until we invaded. I mean they're not even a threat to the United States of America. Iraq was not involved in 9/11, Iraq was not a terrorist state. But now that we have decimated the country, the borders are open, freedom fighters from other countries are going in, and they have created more terrorism by going to an Islamic country, devastating the country, and killing innocent people in that country. The terrorism is growing and people who never thought of being car bombers or suicide bombers are now doing it because they want the United States of America out of their country.
[Emphasis mostly mine]

So Cindy, terrorism is growing in Iraq but it's not the central front on terrorism? Where is the central front? Wisconsin? Denmark? But even better, she says, "...freedom fighters [sigh] from other countries...are now doing it because they want the United States out their country". Which country do they want us out of, Cindy? Iran? Syria? Couldn't be Iraq because these "freedom fighters" are from another country.

Okay, Cindy just made my head hurt so I have to stop now. Is it too early for a shot and a beer?

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Where's The Friggin' Bleat?

Seriously. I've come to expect a Bleat Monday through Friday. Well, it's Thursday and there's no Thursday Bleat. And if that's not bad enough, I'm pretty Sure Mr. Lileks was drunk when he wrote today's Backfence. Makes no sense at all. None.

Print people are low enough in the media food chain to be consumed whole by cable-access polka instructors. Don't make me put on the Don Shelby mask again and start singing show tunes.

What does that mean? I know he's talking about the Minnesota State fair so maybe it's me - not being from Minnesota and not frequenting State fairs.

Me, I always wander over to the fiberglass statue of the Gopher dressed up in a carny-barker's costume, complete with '60s hues...

Tell me he's not drunk? The reason I don't go to Fairs is the freaks. And I don't mean the ones you pay to see. Did I ever tell you about the time I was at the Bronx Zoo and there was this guy who had no arms...but he did have fingers. How, you ask? They were growing out of his shoulders. Two of them. That was freaky enough but it gets better. First of all, he was wearing a tank top - fly that freak flag, baby!!!


HE WAS WEARING A RING ON EACH FINGER!! Bling! Oh yeah! You go girlfriend!

I know I shouldn't be making fun of handicapped people. And they have as much right as anyone to go see the silly monkeys but is it too much to ask to put the freaky fingers away for a few hours? He was more interesting than than any animal I saw that day and I was fortunate enough to see a male monkey forcibly rape a female monkey and then steal her banana. I was going to report it to the zoo authorities but got distracted by Fingerboy.

My point is, I dislike state fairs because of it's high freak population and really, zoos aren't much better what with the armless, finger people and the monkey rape but it's unconscionable that Lileks not write the Thursday Bleat and then write the Backfence while he's stinking drunk.

Update: Please disregard this whole post.

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Most Of You Won't Care About This But I Don't Care If You Don't Care Because I Care

BRAC Votes to Keep NAS Oceana Open

The federal Defense Base Realignment and Closure Commission (BRAC) voted today to maintain the Navy's master jet base at NAS Oceana if the cities of Virginia Beach and Chesapeake and the state pass legislation and appropriate money by March 2006 to stop encroachment and reverse development within the base's highest accident-potential zone.

Commenting on the decision, Mayor Meyera E. Oberndorf said, "The BRAC has given us a difficult assignment. However, I am committed, and I believe the rest of City Council is as well, to keeping NAS Oceana as the East Coast master jet base. With our partners – the Commonwealth of Virginia, the City of Chesapeake and our General Assembly and congressional delegations – we will attempt to fulfill the assignments given to us."

City Council will be considering the BRAC's directives in the coming days.

Virginia Beach relies heavily on Oceana Naval Air Station economically and couldn't afford to lose it. But as usual, the City Council wanted it both ways - keep Oceana but also increase the tax base by over-developing around the base which prohibits training and is also dangerous for those neighborhoods near the base. Not to mention the jackasses who moved close to the base and then bitched and moaned about the jet noise (uh, you moved next door to a master jet base, hence the jets, hence the jet noise).

It was almost a good thing that BRAC put Oceana on it's list. It forced the greedy bastards on the city council to remove their collective head from their collective ass.

In conclusion, I LOVE JET NOISE!!

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When Timothy Treadwell, a boyish-looking minor eco-celebrity, went on Letterman in 2001 to tell the world how he spent a substantial portion of his time living in the Alaskan wild, an arm's length from foraging grizzly bears, Dave asked the obvious question. "Is it possible we'll open the paper one day and see you've been eaten by these bears?"

The audience roared. Treadwell looked genuinely taken aback by the suggestion.

"No," he stammered.

At the end of his 13th summer among the bears, federal park rangers found the majority of Treadwell, and his girlfriend Amie Huguenard, in the gastrointestinal tract of a male grizzly.

Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think? A little too ironic?

And a whole lotta hilarious.

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And The Lord God Said, "Thou Shalt Not Kill, Unless Of Course Thou Art Killing A South American Dictator"

Being from Virginia Beach, I couldn't be more proud.

Pat Robertson: Saying dumbass shit and keeping Virginia Beach on the map since 1960. What would we do without him?

Thanks, Pat!

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Another Failed Business Venture III

The Urinal Cake!

It's bold, it's cutting edge, it's sorta gross! The kids'll love it! It's a snack cake shaped just like a urinal cake. The icing is the same color as a urinal cake - a little tinge of yellow for realism, but it's got a sponge cake, fruit-filled center. What's not to like, really?

The packaging? It'll say, "The Urinal Cake" in Bold letters on the wrapper and underneath that it'll say, "It's Peeeeeeeliscious!".

Hostess doesn't seem to think it's such a great idea so I'm going to try Tastee Kake. They're not returning my calls though.

Okay, how about A PILE OF CRAP? It's a chocolate cake shaped like a pile of crap! The slogan: Eat shit and smile!!



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