Saturday, October 19, 2002

Not Myself

We have got to get out of this neighborhood. Not only did I just see the Clampetts on their front porch - and I think one of them was whittling - my next door neighbor is completely stark, raving mad. They don't work - unless you count dealing - they are loud, dirty and extremely ugly. Last summer, one of them pissed on our car. Lovely. We were told he has a habit of doing this.

Yes, what is it?

B.I.,

But aren't you afraid they might see this and become violent?

Sincerely,

Beth



Beth,

No. Because they can't read.

My point is, I'm contacting a real estate agent.

Comments-[ comments.]

One More...

Dear B.I.,

Your sentence structure is atrocious.

Love,

Mom



Mom,

Thank you.

B.I.

Comments-[ comments.]

Goo-Goo-Googley

Thanks, Jason.

I'm trying to keep up. I found Jason when I searched for Bloviating Inanities on Lycos. When I googled it, it finally came up first which you'd think would be a given but for a while there it didn't.

Which brings us to some mail...

Dear B.I.,

You're starting to bore me.

Sincerely,

Kevin


Dear Kevin,

Me too.

B.I.

Comments-[ comments.]

1000

1000 what? Is that your post?

Yes it is.

Thanks again to Rachel Lucas and a very nice doggie.

Comments-[ comments.]

But What About The Forests!!!

A snippet from National Review On-Dead-Tree:

House majority leader Dick Army, at farewell dinner: "I gotta tell you, while you're all singing 'You're gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone', [my wife] Susan's been down in Texas singing 'It's So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like You're Here.'"

You can subscribe here. It's worth it.

Special Offer: If you act now - you can get 4 FREE issues for $19.99. I wish I were kidding.

Comments-[ comments.]

Great Name For A Rock Band

More reader mail...

Dear B.I.,

Who do you think you are - Dave Barry?

Sincerely,

Christian



Christian,

Yes - if Dave was more in touch with his feminine side and a flaming idiot.

Also - The Flaming Idiots is an excellent name for a rock band.

B.I.

Comments-[ comments.]

Rayban Bacon Goggles?

I believe it was James Lileks who coined the term Bacon Goggles.

Besides being a great name for a rock band, they are also a really good idea. The webmaster is typing this for me because the protective coating over my eyeballs has just been seared off by splattering bacon grease.

Great - and I have a wedding to go to tonight. So, I've got my tux but my face is now horribly disfigured.

Oh, and I'm blind.

It's always something.

Comments-[ comments.]

Update: Woody Harrelson - Still A Moron!

Reader Joel, makes a very good point:

Besides a retarded assistant bartender in Cheers, Woody Harrelson has also played:
a retarded football player (WildCats), a psychopathic serial killer (Natural Born Killers), a man who rents his wife to Robert Redford for a night (Indecent Proposal), and a mentally ill soldier who is shot by the father of a girl he rapes (Wag the Dog).

And we should listen to him because .... ????


What more can you say?

Comments-[ comments.]

We Make Promises

Several readers have written in to say they have yet to receive a cheese sandwich and it's going on 11 hours now. A typical e-mail:

Dear B.I.:

I guessed (B) and you promised! It's 3:30 in the morning and I'm starving. I have been staring at my CD tray for hours and not one cheese sandwich!

What gives?

Sincerely,

Carolyn



Dear Carolyn,

Our motto: Making promises we can't keep since last Thursday. Or in your case....1994.

B.I.

Comments-[ comments.]

Friday, October 18, 2002

Lucas Makes Dream Come True

I'm close to 1000 visits in about eight days.

Thanks largely to Rachel Lucas - slayer of rectal goblins.

Thank you, Rachel. You rule.

You have no idea.

Comments-[ comments.]

The Keystone State - Or - More Recently - www.state.pa.gov

Let's all stand in a virtual line over at the Pennsylvania DMV website...

My Roving, Senior Pennsylvania correspondent, Lisa (my other Senior Pennsylvania correspondent quit less than two hours ago, right after I fired him), reports that Al Gore gave a speech - fundraiser - pity party - at Northhampton College in Bethlehem, PA. 380 people attended. Way to pack 'em in, Al!

Commenting on the economy, Mr. Gore said, paraphrased by our lovely, roving correspondent Lisa, 'I know how it feels to be unemployed. I was the first one to lose my job in 2001.

OK, my first quiz:

After reading that last sentence - Al Gore means one of the following -

A) I feel your pain.
B) It's all about me.
C) All of the above.
D) None of the above.

If you chose B, you win a free lifetime subscription to this site. And occasionally - free cheese sandwiches will come out of your CD tray!!!








Comments-[ comments.]

But What Exit Do you Live Off Of?

Continuing with my extensive coverage of the New Jersey Governor's race...hang on a sec...

Another Pesky Reader Interruption...

B.I.

Uh, you haven't really been covering the race in New Jersey, let alone extensively.

Sincerely,

Jeanne


Dear Jeanne,

Shut up.

B.I.



Where were we again? Right. Our democratic candidate - The really, really, really old person, Frank Lautenberg, is refusing to debate Doug "I'm trying to play fair here but the Supreme Court of this ass-backwards state just screwed me" Forrester.

Why, you ask? Because NOW the Dems are saying that all the parties, i.e. VOTER CHOICES, aren't participating.

Hmmm. Let's see, we have the Green Party, The Libertarians, maybe the Communist Party (we don't fact check at B.I. - if you want facts go to, uh, hell) and that Other Party that I'm not aware of. See - lots of choices for the people that won't leave the Land of 9 Million Butt-Smugglers. Again, we don't have actual figures. The fact-checker died. Oh, I forgot - Condolences.

Jesus, what is your point?

Oh, don't vote for Frank Lautenberg.

If I misspelled his name - blame the dead fact-checker.

Oh, and one more thing - Paul Wellstone should go jump in one of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes. Don't even get me started on Minnesota.




Comments-[ comments.]

You Really Like Me?

I have been knighted by The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler. Really. I'm not worthy but I'm not stupid either.

It is an honor I will not take lightly and I shall follow the oath.

But here's the really cool part - I've been given a post at the Dept. of Entertainment and Satire! And my boss? None other than James Lileks!!! Holy Crap!

Thank you. And thanks to Rachel Lucas for nominating me.

Comments-[ comments.]

Natural Born Morons

Happy Fun Pundit writes:

In times like this when tensions are high and countless lives are on the line, it's a wise man who periodically stops for a reality check. From time to time, responsibility behooves us to make a thoughtful consideration of the premises that we use to decide what's right and what's wrong. To do otherwise is to risk extremism, irrationality, irrelevance, and madness.

However, that's a lot of work. What I find is much easier is to see what Woody Harrelson says and does, then say and do the opposite.


You won't believe Woody's plan to save the world. Well, coming from him, you probably will. Woody Harrelson is gaining on Alec Baldwin in the category for Biggest Bowel Prowler.

Read the whole thing.

Comments-[ comments.]

Monkeys, Dogs and The President of France

A google search of Jacque Chirac and Monkey produced this.

I think the dog would have been more articulate.

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The Last Train To Rockville

B.I.: So Mr. Sniper Guy, are you feeling better?

Mr. Sniper Person: Yes.

B.I.: Uh, oh.

Comments-[ comments.]

Home is Where The Key Is

When I was still living at home and not old enough to have my own key, I went out somewhere and for some reason my Mom had to leave. So, she left me a key...

...on the kitchen table...

And a note that read, 'I'm leaving the key here so you can get in - love Mom'.

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In The 'Who Cares...Hey! Wait A Minute - I Do' Department...

My not-so-little sister Paige is coming over for a sleepover tonight. Hooray! We will be roasting sweet marshmellows down by the fire.

I love you, Paige!

Fact...or fiction?

Comments-[ comments.]

For Katie's Dad

Read the Backfence. Now.

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There Are Boobs And Then There Are Boobs

Bloussant - a breast enlarging cream, equates breast size with confidence. Uh, breast size and confidence are not related.

Don't buy this crap.

Now go visit a real feminist.

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Newsflash!

They remade Planet of the Apes! I've been so busy with work, family and blogging I haven't been keeping up.

In related news, George Bush won and Alec Baldwin is still stupid.

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Big Suck

In our continuing effort not to watch VH1, we have found a replacement for those who crave really bad music videos - Canada's Much Music and specifically the show Behind The Music - BIG SUCK. Trust me, it's hilarious.

Best lines from last night:

On the Germans - I wouldn't throw a world war without them.

and...

Until then - Keep your hands down your pants and keep scratching for the sores.

Canadians are funny.

And I should know - I married one.

Comments-[ comments.]

Smokin'

Not surprisingly, a California jury awarded smoker and lung cancer victim, Betty Bullock $28 billion dollars in punitive damages. In an ironic twist, the jury had been smoking crack prior to their decision.

When polled, 12 out of 12 jurors were unaware that smoking crack posed health risks.

Comments-[ comments.]

Coming Out

In local news, yesterday, my wife caught me googling both ass and penis and wants to know - 1) am I searching for gay porn and 2) am I, in fact, gay.

Yes, honey. But only in the 1920's sense.

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You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings

Right back atcha, Rach.

I am honored.

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Thursday, October 17, 2002

Interview With A Sniper-Al-Qaeda-Redneck-Person continued...

B.I. Continues with his on-going, continuing, redundant, ongoing and redundantly continuing interview with Mr. Sniper Person Man (I think Beltway sniper is so impersonal! I'm trying to put a human face on him, I think):

B.I.: I thought you only took weekends off but you haven't killed anyone in days and it's already Thursday. Why?

Mr. Sniper Dude: Well, frankly, I have explosive diarrhea.

B.I.: Really?

Snipey: Uh, huh. I've been guzzling Pepto-Bismol but it ain't working. I think I'm gonna go over to Walmart and get me some Imodium A-D.

B.I.: Uh, oh.

Comments-[ comments.]

Crosstown Traffic

So I'm driving home from work listening to Hannity and he's interviewing Congressman Gary Ackerman. I'm barely paying attention. Then, Hannity says indignantly, 'Have you read the Cox report?'

I am not making this next part up...

Ackerman replies, 'I have read the Cox report.'

And then, no kidding...

'I have also read the Dicks report.'

What? - as I swerve to miss a truck. I don't mean to be juvenile here but I truly thought he was joking. I was half expecting him to continue...

I have also read the Schlong report, the Boner report, the Pork Sword report, the Doughnut Holder report, the Ole' One Eye report, the Purple-Helmeted Yogurt Thrower report, The Richard and the Twins report and the Tobias - The Cheeky Monkey report!

Thank you, Mr. Hannity and Congressman Ackerman.

Comments-[ comments.]

We Get Comments

Reader Alice, comments on the Tom Freidman post below:

Bottom line is...there's always an excuse for this negative behavior. The perpetrator is never responsible. This is a huge problem in our society. I see it in the schools all the time. According to Friedman, this whacko is killing people and it's President Bush's fault for not implementing a gun ban. Hello? Anyone home? Does he proof his stuff?

It's not that he doesn't proof his stuff, he's a liberal, where emotion counts more than logic.

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One Night In Bangkok

This is why I love Jay Nordlinger over at NRO. You want arcane, we give you arcane:

“A last note: Written Thai does not employ spacing between words, as English does. (It’s based on written Khmer — Cambodian — which is in turn based on Sanskrit.) So a proper, if even messier, transliteration of the full name of Thailand’s capital [Bankok] is this:

Krungthepmahanakhonamonrattanakosinmahintharaayuthayamahadilokphop
noppharatratchathaniburiromudomatchaniwetmahasathanamonpimanawatans
athitsakkathattiyawitsanukamprasit.”


Try saying that 3 times fast.

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Shoot To Thrill

There is a new theory that the sniper is part of Al-Qaeda and the shootings will now stop because he/they have killed 9 people in 11 days. Get it? 9. 11. Right, and I woke up in a bathtub last night with a kidney missing .

Back to our interview with Mr. Sniper Person.

B.I.: So what do you think of the lastest theory about you being a member of Al Qaeda and the whole 9/11 connection?

Mister Sniper Person: What moron is floating that crap? I'm just a typical, garden-variey, homocidal maniac. Sheesh! Some people.


You heard it here first.

Comments-[ comments.]

My Letter To Christina

Dear Christina,

If you decide to air Music Behind Bars, you will lose this viewer.

Cancel it. And then kill yourself. You are a wretched human being.

Bill Cimino
Virginia Beach

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VH1 Sucks

And you should never watch it again. I posted a while back about VH1's new show Music Behind Bars airing a dope-dealing childkiller. You can read about it here. Now Bill O'Reilly is on a crusade to stop them and I wholeheartedly agree with him. So I bet your wondering - B.I., but what can I do? Well, you can e-mail the dirtbag President of VH1, Christina Norman.

Here e-mail address is: CHRISTINA.NORMAN@VH1STAFF.COM.

She is a wretched human being.

And VH1 sucks.

Comments-[ comments.]

Because...

Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut, Sometimes You Don't.

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57 Channels and Sniper's On

Do we really need 22 hours of sniper coverage from every major cable news network? Jeez. Every single person who has ever worked for the FBI has now been interviewed. So they have started interviewing supermarket produce managers and the people who hand out fliers at K-Mart.

When reached for comment, Mr. Sniper Guy Person said, "I can't believe the coverage! I mean really! On my days off, I just channel surf - Fox News, CNN, MSNBC. It's incredible. I never used to watch those shows but now I'm hooked. I'm a hit! And I can't tell you what it's done for my self-esteem. I'm sleeping better and I just feel great. Thank God for cable!".

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More Impromtus

Jay Nordlinger, one of my favorite writers, is disgusted with Tom Freidman and Maureen Dowd of the Agenda-driven, Bush-hating N.Y. Times:

I’ve written far too much about Tom Friedman and Maureen Dowd, star columnists for the New York Times, and after today, I should really stop. But allow me one more expulsion of disgust.

I allude to their columns of last Sunday. (His is here; hers is here.) Friedman writes,

The fact that the president speaks only about Iraq, while his neighbors down the street speak only about the [sniper on the loose], reinforces the sense that this administration is so obsessed with Saddam it has lost touch with the real anxieties of many Americans. Mr. Bush wants to rally the nation to impose gun control on Baghdad, but he won’t lift a finger to impose gun control on Bethesda, six miles from the White House.

Notice that Bush is “obsessed” with Iraq. If you don’t like someone’s interest, or what someone is doing, or someone’s seriousness, call it an “obsession.” Makes it look like a psychological disorder. I suppose Churchill was obsessed with Hitler.

And Bush won’t lift a finger to impose gun control. The American president, of course, isn’t a dictator: He can’t “impose gun control.” And the idea that gun control would have stopped this sniper is ridiculous.

Friedman concludes, “Frankly, I don’t want to hear another word about Iraq right now.” That’s not the writing of a Pulitzer-prize-winning New York Times columnist; that’s the outburst of an unruly, petulant child. “I want to hear that my president and my Congress [I love those mys] are taking the real steps needed in this country — starting with sane gun control and sane economic policy . . .”

A little over a year ago, 3,000 people were murdered in cold blood, very close to where I’m typing now. The president, thank goodness, is taking “real steps” to confront a real problem.
[Emphasis Mine]

He concludes:

Folks, I will stop writing about these two. Hold me to it (at least for a decent interval). But remember this: They occupy the most precious acreage in American journalism, and between the two of them, they have won four Pulitzer prizes.

The Pulitzer has become as silly as the Nobel Peace Prize.

Read the whole thing.

Comments-[ comments.]

Chinese Eyewitness says, 'He Look-a Like-a Man'

Still no composite sketch of the sniper monkey.

In unrelated news, a Google search of sniper monkey produced this.

Who knew?

Comments-[ comments.]

Peanut Butter and Jelly

Saddam Hussein has to love Jacques Chirac. Fox News just reported that Chirac is still against using force against Iran along with that bastion of freedom, China. Surprise!

Listen, I understand multilateralism and why it's important. But really, who cares what France thinks? Jacques Chirac screams and hollers because he knows he is irrelevant. Ditto the U.N. Jacques Chirac is a, um, let's consult the list....a rectal goblin. And a sausage jockey.

Pesky Reader Interruption

Dear B.I.,

Let me get this straight. You woke up at 5 in the morning to call Jacques Chirac a rectal goblin?

Sincerely,

Donna



Donna,

It needed to be said.

B.I.

Where were we? Oh yeah, France is a silly little country. I think I speak for the entire U.S. (minus California and possibly Vermont) when I say, please shut up, Jacques. You don't matter. You are a silly little man and I spit on your Frenchity.

More Pesky Reader Interruptions

Dear B.I.

Is Frenchity a word?

Al



Al,

It is now.

B.I.

Now I have completely lost my train of thought. And I need a shower.

Comments-[ comments.]

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

We Get Calls

My father-in-law calls in to say, "I'm really, really old and I can't get to your site even though you sent me the link . Please help.

By the way, what is my name?

Have I mentioned I'm really old?"






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Let me Stand Next To Your Fire

First fire of the season here at the beach. It’s not really cold enough but screw it, I’m practically burning the piles of cash generated from this site. People, just get a weblog, post some crap and link to a few morons and you won’t be able to post, you’ll be running to the bank so much. What a scam!

That is sarcasm for the people of Dade County.

Actually, you have to love doing this. It’s a lot of work, a lot less sleep...and a ton of friggin’ fun.

The fire is luscious and inviting. I am going to go enjoy it now with the webmaster.

Bonus Tip: You can put Herbes De Provence on a steaming pile of Alec Baldwin turds and it would taste pretty good. Seriously. Any decent store has it. Try it on your own steaming pile. Or a steak.

Good night.

Comments-[ comments.]

A-list II

Barbra Streisand is an International Prostate Diplomat.

She is also a Jam-smeared turd burglar.

The Ass List does come in handy, no?

Comments-[ comments.]

A-list

A google search of stinky ass clown produced this indispensible list. You don't have to thank me.

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More Tips...

Once when we were grilling, we ran out of lighter fluid so we used gasoline. Don’t do this.

...and don't mess with Texas.

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Getting...Sleepy...

Just to let my 3 readers know - I was up late last night screwing around with Blogger so I didn't get much sleep. Then, right to work. So, posting is light...

Mind...is....foggy...

losing...

consciousness...

Comments-[ comments.]

Deconstructing Bloviating Inanities
Or Blogging 101

OK, several readers (3) have written in and said they don't get it (my site). One person even asked if this was a chatroom! Well yes, it is a chatroom in the sense that it's not a chatroom. I am simply commenting on current events, linking to bloggers that I find interesting and generally posting anything that pops into my head. Which brings us back to the term blogger. It refers to weblog. A personal log on the web.

Most of what I write is satire, defined in Webster's College Dictionary as - the use of irony, sarcasm, or ridicule in exposing, denouncing or deriding vice.

In other words, I'm kidding. It's supposed to be funny.

Let's take a look at a recent posting for further clarification. My explanations are in italics:

Don’t Go Back To Rockville II

This is a reference to the REM song, Don't Go Back To Rockville. The joke here is that some of the shootings have taken place in Rockville, MD. Since people are being killed in Rockville, you shouldn't go there. Get it?

Following the ninth shooting, Bloviating Inanities tracked down the Beltway Sniper and guitarist to ask about a motive. From an undisclosed location, the sniper/guitarist explained, “I just want to get some exposure for my new band, Fatal Head Wound. I figured that the best way to do that was to shoot people and then VH1 would give us our own special.”

Here, I am making believe that I interview the sniper. I am also referring to an earlier post about VH1 doing a special on murderers who play music. Again, it's satire and supposed to be funny.

The interview ended abruptly when the sniper went to the closet to get a rifle.

Ha ha! Get it. The interviewer - me - runs for his life when the sniper goes for his rifle. Aren't I hilarious?

Conclusion - when in doubt, don't take it seriously. And laugh a lot...even if you don't think it's funny.

Class dismissed.

Comments-[ comments.]

Apologies

Sorry, Blogger was down for a while but I'm back. I'm trying to fix the page with no luck so there are some double posts I can't get rid of. Any suggestions are welcome.

Comments-[ comments.]

Don't Go Back To Rockville II

Following the ninth shooting, Bloviating Inanities tracked down the Beltway sniper and guitarist to ask about a motive. From an undisclosed location the sniper/guitarist explained, "I just want to get some exposure for my new band Fatal Head Wound and I figured the best way to do that was to kill people. Then I could get my own VH1 special". The interview ended abruptly when the sniper went to the closet for a rifle.

Comments-[ comments.]

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

Killer Tunes, Dude!

I am convinced that stupid people run the world. Fine. But now VH1 is airing dirtbag killers. In their heartwarming new special, VH1's Music Behind Bars (get it?), does what the ass-clown's who defend Mumia could never do. They have a special dedicated to homicidal psychopaths! Way to go, VH1!!!

Whoever decided this was a good idea, whoever produced it, directed it, filmed it, brought sandwiches to the producers, directors, film jerks, should be put to death. Painfully.

Don't watch VH1. Ever. These people are reprehensible.

Dirtbags.

Now I'm done.

Comments-[ comments.]

Maryland Governor Bans 'Recreational Shooting' - Beltway Sniper Halts Rampage

Maryland Governor, Parris Glendening, has temporarily banned recreational shooting which has effectively stopped the recent rash of killings in the Maryland/Virginia area. Mr. Glendening, siting a recent law passed by a Mayor in France, who made it illegal for residents to die, stated that finally, "this killer knows we mean business".

Asked for comment, the sinister, beltway sniper said, "Damn, and I would have been able to keep slaughtering random, innocent people if it wasn't for that meddling politician!"

Governor Glendening has been nominated for the 2003 Nobel Peace Prize as a result of this bold move.

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I'm Done

If you look at the last few posts, something's going on so I'm done. On the bright side, my gorgeous wife is making me a killer dinner.

Thanks for everything, Al. Especially cleaning up the cat puke.

Our Motto: Loving the webmaster since 1991.

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Newsflash: Rachel Lucas - Right Again

I really appreciate Blogger. It's free and I wouldn't be blogging without them. That said, I feel like I am now being powered by three Sri Lankan slave children on a treadmill. I'm still learning, Rach.

That said, thanks to everyone who's stopped by. And thanks especially to Rachel Lucas, VodkaPundit (feel better), and Silent Running for the links. It won't soon be forgotten.

This is way more fun than a rightwing, recipe-posting, moron should be allowed to have. Thanks!

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Surfing the Confederacy

My father-in-law's great grandfather fought for the South. His name was William Dorsey Pender. He was a pretty prominent General and had a book written about him titled The General To His Lady. Pretty cool, huh. While I am a northerner, I have really come to love the South. I would never live anywhere else (except further south - like the Virgin Islands).

So, what is your point, B.I.?

Oh. Uh, well, I just wanted to mention a proud family history. And to link to this Pender. He may not be killing the damn yankees but he does make films about some of them doing crazy stuff. The man is an artist. Go take a look.

Comments-[ comments.]

Abba Turd

I just got some free tickets to the musical Mamma Mia (Thanks Doug). I'm not a huge Abba fan but the webmaster is. And so is her wonderful mother, Madonna (yes, that's her real name) so I think she and the webmaster are going.

Why do I mention this? It's a segue into...

In an effort to keep my readers coming back I have decided to resort to bribery: Madonna is a terrific mother-in-law and is only intermittently insane. She's also pretty hot.

There. Happy?

Comments-[ comments.]

Hello? Is This Thing On?

Try this. Crazy glue some of your fingers together and see if it adversely affects your ability to make shadow puppets.

Comments-[ comments.]

More Mail

Another loyal reader writes:

Dear B.I.,

Are you some kind of recipe-posting nancyboy or just an idiot?

Sincerely,

Al



Dear Al,

Yes.

B.I.

Comments-[ comments.]

More Recipes

A Bunch of Crap
(When you’re in desperate need of a quick appetizer for your white trash friends.)

2 c. Instant Mashed Potatoes
1 pkg. Hot-dogs
½ tsp. Salt
¼ tsp. Pepper

Prepare potatoes according to package instructions. Scoop into a baking pan. Slice hot-dogs lengthwise in half. Place them on the potatoes, writing your initials with the hot-dog slices, or be creative and write something like: ‘I can’t believe I actually made this abomination and am now going to serve it to humans’. You will need an extra package of hot-dogs for the above sentence. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.

Comments-[ comments.]

Putting The Dick In Dictator Redux

I was just listening to the radio and CBS News reported that in Iraq's last sham election Saddam Hussein, despite being the only one on the ballot, received only 99.96% of the vote! How exactly did that happen?

In related new, the skies over Virginia Beach are loaded with F-18's. Ah, the sweet sound of freedom. What does that mean, you ask? We'll see.

Let the bombing commence!

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TSR

The Trailside Rangers are, regrettably, defunct but are still selling some of their stuff on Amazon. Go buy it. You won't be dissappointed. All proceeds go to The Recovering Liberals Foundation. I used to go see these guys when they played in New York City and they were great live. Lead singer and pretty boy, Joe, is still making music, I'm sure. You can still catch him strumming a twelve-string at an Iowa cornfield near you.

Comments-[ comments.]

Clash of the Titans

Virginia Tech, ranked 3rd in the nation, takes on arch-rival Rutgers this weekend. It should be quite a game. Rutgers fans remember last year's nail-biter when they lost 50-0 at home. They also will remember the 80-7 squeaker against powerhouse West Virginia.

B.I.'s sports reporter and college football expert, Rich, says that the reason Tennessee lost to Florida a few weeks ago was because they were looking ahead to Rutgers. An excellent point. VT, beware the Scarlet Knights!

Comments-[ comments.]

Impromptus

Jay Nordlinger writes about two Impromptus a week. He is both brilliant and funny. A little from Today:

National Review once opined, many years ago, that, every year, the Nobel peace prize should go to the U.S. secretary of defense: The American military is the number-one guarantor of peace in the world.

That should be obvious to anybody who pays even a little attention. Go read the whole thing.

Comments-[ comments.]

It's Heading Right For Us!

I was afraid that Louisiana and Texas were going to get all the really good hurricanes this year but it appears that Tropical Depression 14 will become a tropical storm today. After it plows through the Cayman Islands and Cuba, it's headed for Florida and then who knows. The Old Dominion?

Comments-[ comments.]

Silent Running

I just noticed that the folks over at Silent Running gave me a permanent link! Thanks guys! How the hell did I miss that?

Warning: If you are offended by strong right wing views and bad language, you should probably...uh, just go visit.

Comments-[ comments.]

Do You Want Fries With That?

The stuff you find when you google Romanian and penis.

Don't ask.

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Still Another Reader Asks...

Dear B.I.,

Do you have to be such a fucking potty-mouth?

Sincerely,

Lisa



Dear Lisa,

Yes.

P.S. In the future, if you feel the need to complain about such things, please do so in the comments section. That is what it is for. Do not call my house.

Thank you in advance,

B.I.

Comments-[ comments.]

Radio Observations

Heard this on Imus in the Morning...

...the Presidential palace
looks like a crater
Who put the dick
In dictator?
That's when I fell for
The leader of Iraq...

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Monday, October 14, 2002

Rachel Lucas is pretty sure the head sand monkey is dead:

Just think it through, and recall all the dumb tapes he made of himself in the past. If he were alive, he would love nothing more than to dangle that in Bush's face, taunting him. If he were alive, he'd make sure we knew it.

Can't really argue with that. As usual, Rachel nails it. One other thing - it doesn't hurt al Jazeera to keep printing this crap. Eventually though, it'll be a case of the newspaper that cries sand monkey.



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La Casa de Scrapple

Speaking of Scrapple, my brother-in-law loves the crap. But then he also likes the Philadelphia Eagles and bought the latest Cher CD. Oh, and don't forget the green, chunky molds that he makes for Thanksgiving every friggin' year. But what do we know about this mysterious food product. We'll, lets find out.

Let's wander over to La Casa de Scrapple and take a look around. There's this gem:

Scrapple is a processed meat product composed of cuts and pieces of meat which -- for one reason or another -- will not make meals in themselves. The bulk of these come to us courtesy of the face, head, and chest cavity of the common hog.

It gets worse:

Scrapple should never be confused with Spam. A product of the Hormel Foods Corporation, Spam is spiced ham in a can - ham being the upper portion of a pig's hind leg. Scrapple, on the other hand, is an amalgamation of tendons, cartilage, feet, skin, ears, nose, gums and more. In short, it's all the garbage that should be thrown away. Some people eat it. Really.

That's right, folks. Gums! Mmmm. Gummy goodness. Jeez, now that I think about it, my Mom used to eat pickled pig's feet. Mom, they are hooves for Christ's sake. Please, ma'am. Put down the hoof and back away from the table. That's my family.

Next up - Headcheese!

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From ScrappleFace

Iraqi Ballot Controversy Leaves Result in Question
(2002-10-14) -- Confused Iraqi voters claim they didn't understand the new ballots in today's presidential election, and their votes will be misinterpreted.

The ballot offered one question: "Should Saddam Hussein be retained for life as dictator of the Republic of Iraq?" The only possible answers were "Yes" or "No".

However, thousands of voters apparently thought it said "detained" instead of retained. Their votes to have the dictator jailed, will instead ensure his re-election.

Election officials in Baghdad say that thousands of ballots were also spoiled by the blood of voters who requested a second ballot. In addition to countless dangling Chads, election monitors noticed thousands of hanging Alis, Mohammeds and Abus on gallows near polling places.

[Emphasis mine]

Come on, that is freakin' funny!

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Fisking...well, Fisk

Tim Blair is a little angry with Robert Fisk...

"WHO'LL BE the first dumb fuck to write that the attacks were the logical consequence of supporting the US in the war against terror, and that we'd be better off staying quiet and not upsetting anybody, especially Islamic murderers?

None other than the fucking dumbest dumb fuck of them all, Robert Fisk:

Australians were the principal victims and their murderers must have known they would be. So why were they targeted? John Howard has been among President Bush's toughest supporters. Australia lined up to join the "war on terror" within 24 hours of the attacks on New York and Washington last year. Australian special forces have been operating with American troops in the Afghan mountains against al-Qa'ida. It's a fair bet that yesterday's savagery was al-Qa'ida hitting back.

So we shouldn't have done anything to stop terrorism. Right. Got it."

Scroll down and read the whole thing.

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Waking Ned Devine

One of the greatest movies ever?

If this movie doesn't make you want to ride naked on a motorcycle through the Irish countryside, nothing will.

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Another Plate

Plate: TYPO NEG
Means: Type O Negative
My Take: What the...? Why does this schmo think anybody cares about his blood type? Really. Maybe he thinks someone on route 264 is on his way to a transfusion? Maybe he performs transfusions in his back seat. Maybe he's a mosquito. Maybe I should get back to work.

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The Sopranos?

Found this over at Lileks: Badabingbadablog - I havent' read much of it but jeez, you gotta love the name.

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Damn Elitist Species

The following are quotes that were posted on Right Wing News awhile ago and they were so unbelievably stupid, I had to comment on them. Below are the quotes in their entirety. My comments are in caps. Thanks to the webmaster for saving and finding this.

The only real good technology is no technology at all. Technology is taxation without representation, imposed by our elitist species (man) upon the rest of the natural world -- John Shuttleworth

• THEN KILL YOURSELF, JOHN. AND WHILE YOUR DOING THAT, I'M GOING TO WENDY'S TO EAT A LOWER LIFEFORM, ELITIST THAT I AM.

• What we've got to do in energy conservation is try to ride the global warming issue. Even if the theory of global warming is wrong, to have approached global warming as if it is real means energy conservation, so we will be doing the right thing anyway in terms of economic policy and environmental policy. -- Timothy Wirth, former U.S. Senator (D-Colorado)

• TRANSLATION: SURE, WE KNOW GLOBAL WARMING IS A PILE OF CRAP BUT IT'S A MONEYMAKER.

• I suspect that eradicating small pox was wrong. It played an important part in balancing ecosystems. -- John Davis, editor of Earth First! Journal

• JOHN DAVIS - ASS-CLOWN.

• Human beings, as a species, have no more value than slugs. -- John Davis, editor of Earth First! Journal

• SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, YOU SLIMY, PUSS-FILLED WINDBAG.

• Phasing out the human race will solve every problem on earth, social and environmental. -- Dave Forman, Founder of Earth First!

• PHASE I - DAVE FOREMAN'S DEATH BY RABID WEASELS.

• If radical environmentalists were to invent a disease to bring human populations back to sanity, it would probably be something like AIDS --Earth First! Newsletter

• HMMMM, SO IT WAS THE EARTH FIRSTERS. AND ALL ALONG I THOUGHT IT WAS
•HAITIAN, HOMOSEXUAL, HEMOPHELIAC, HEROIN ADDICTS.


• Human happiness, and certainly human fecundity, is not as important as a wild and healthy planets...Some of us can only hope for the right virus to come along. -- David Graber, biologist, National Park Service

• KEEP YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF OF MY FECUNDITY.

• The collective needs of non-human species must take precedence over the needs and desires of humans. -- Dr. Reed F. Noss, The Wildlands Project

• ALL THIS TALK OF NON-HUMAN SPECIES IS MAKING ME HUNGRY.

• Cannibalism is a "radical but realistic solution to the problem of overpopulation." -- Lyall Watson, The Financial Times, 15 July 1995

• EAT ME, LYALL.

• We, in the green movement, aspire to a cultural model in which killing a forest will be considered more contemptible and more criminal than the sale of 6-year-old children to Asian brothels. -- Carl Amery

• MMMMMMMM....ASIAN BROTHELS...

• Every time you turn on an electric light, you are making another brainless baby -- Helen Caldicott, Union of Concerned Scientists

• HELEN WROTE THIS ON AN iMAC COMPUTER UNDER A 100 WATT BULB WHILE WATCHING PBS ON THE TELLY WITH PETER, PAUL AND MARY ON HER $900 STEREO.

• To feed a starving child is to exacerbate the world population problem --Lamont Cole

• GO TALK TO LYALL WATSON UP THERE. DON'T FEED THEM, EAT THE STARVING BABIES.

• We advocate biodiversity for biodiversity's sake. It may take our extinction to set things straight -- David Foreman, Earth First!

• WHY AREN'T MEMBERS OF EARTH FIRST SETTING THE EXAMPLE BY MARCHING LEMMING-LIKE OFF CLIFFS INTO THE SEA?

• The only hope for the world is to make sure there is not another United States: We can't let other countries have the same number of cars, the amount of industrialization, we have in the U.S. We have to stop these Third World countries right where they are. And it is important to the rest of the world to make sure that they don't suffer economically by virtue of our stopping them. -- Michael Oppenheimer, Environmental Defense Fund

• HEADLINE - THE LEFT SAYS 'FUCK THE THIRD WORLD'!

• The battle to feed humanity is over. In the 1970s, the world will undergo famines. Hundreds of millions of people are going to starve to death in spite of any crash programs embarked upon now. Population control is the only answer -- Paul Ehrlich - The Population Bomb (1968)

• ANYBODY ALIVE OUT THERE? ALICE? ANYBODY????

• I would take even money that England will not exist in the year 2000 – Paul Ehrlich in Population Bomb(1969)

• EHRLICH PREDICTS: NO MORE BENNY HILL. EVER.

• In ten years all important animal life in the sea will be extinct. Large areas of coastline will have to be evacuated because of the stench of dead fish. -- Paul Ehrlich, Earth Day (1970)

• MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THE 7000 SEAFOOD RESTAURANTS IN VIRGINIA BEACH MANAGE TO STAY OPEN, HUH? THEY MUST BE FEEDING US THE PILES OF DEAD FISH ON THE COASTLINE. PRETTY CLEVER OF THEM!

• Before 1985, mankind will enter a genuine age of scarcity . . . in which the accessible supplies of many key minerals will be facing depletion – Paul Ehrlich in (1976)

• THE ONLY SCARCITY IS PAUL'S ABILITY TO GET ANYTHING RIGHT. PAUL COMMENTED, "WELL, I'VE PROVED IT. IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE WRONG ABOUT ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING".

• This [cooling] trend will reduce agricultural productivity for the rest of the century -- Peter Gwynne, Newsweek 1976

• JOE, DUANE? WHAT'S THE NEWS FROM THE HEARTLAND? ARE YOU SIMULTANEOUSLY FREEZING AND WITHOUT ZUCCHINI?

• There are ominous signs that the earth's weather patterns have begun to change dramatically and that these changes may portend a drastic decline in food production - with serious political implications for just about every nation on earth. The drop in food production could begin quite soon... The evidence in support of these predictions has now begun to accumulate so massively that meteorologist are hard-pressed to keep up with it. -- Newsweek, April 28, (1975)

NEWSWEEK, SEPTEMBER 2002 - CORRECTION: MASSIVE ACCUMULATIONS OF PREDICTIONS CONCERNING DRASTIC DECLINE IN FOOD SUPPLIES THAT WERE REPORTED 27 YEARS AGO IN THIS MAGAZINE HAVE TURNED OUT TO BE UNTRUE. NEWSWEEK APOLOGIZES FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE THIS MAY HAVE CAUSED. BUT LOOK FOR MORE WILDLY HYSTERICAL NEWS ITEMS IN FUTURE EDITIONS!

• This cooling has already killed hundreds of thousands of people. If it continues and no strong action is taken, it will cause world famine, world chaos and world war, and this could all come about before the year 2000. --Lowell Ponte "The Cooling", 1976

• THE COOLING? WELL, THIS IS A LITTLE FRIGHTENING. IT'S BEEN IN THE MID 90'S ALL SUMMER HERE BUT RECENTLY TEMPERATURES HAVE DROPPED INTO THE LOW 80'S. NO ONE HAS DIED YET BUT IT'S STILL EARLY.

• If present trends continue, the world will be about four degrees colder forthe global mean temperature in 1990, but eleven degrees colder by the year 2000...This is about twice what it would take to put us in an ice age. --
Kenneth E.F. Watt on air pollution and global cooling, Earth Day (1970)

• GLOBAL COOLING? I WAS ONLY 6 IN 1970 BUT I'M ALMOST POSITIVE IT WASN'T A CONSTANT 143 DEGREES. ICE AGE MIGHT BE A BIT OF AN EXAGGERATION. I THINK "SLIGHTLY CHILLY AT NIGHT AGE" MIGHT BE MORE APPROPRIATE.

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Exploding Owls!

Iliterate N.J. state poet laureate and resident Jew-hater, Amiri Baraka, who wrote this crap:

Who knew the World Trade Center was gonna get bombed
Who told 4000 Israeli workers at the Twin Towers
To stay home that day
Why did Sharon stay away?


..gets nicely fisked by John Derbyshire. Mr. Derbyshire also kindly throws in a bonus poem:

Somebody Stuck It To New Jersey Taxpayers
by John Derbyshire

Who took help from Jews when getting his scam started
Then turned and spat on them when a cozy sinecure came along
Who praises despots, wreckers of nations
Murderers, despoilers of innocence — Kabila, Lumumba, Lenin, Che
Who thinks Nkrumah was a benefactor of anyone but himself
Who believes the most transparent driveling anti-Semitic lies about 9/11
Who thinks "Tom Ass" is a really, really funny way to write "Thomas"
Who mau-maued the governor
Who put one over on the guilty white liberals at those fool Art Councils
Who's an illiterate moron
So stupid he can't even keep his racism straight...


New Jersey is starting to look more and more like Florida everyday.


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Mr. Peanut

Did dictator-loving, former President Jimmy Carter really win the Nobel Peace Prize? Ah, what the hell - they gave one to Arafat.

In related news, the Nobel committee is reporting that next year they will exhume Joseph Stalin in order to present the award to the mass murderer posthumously.

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I have over 500 visits in my three days doing this. Is that good? If so, what is wrong with you people? If not, are weekends slow? Do I suck? Does anyone know the answers to these questions? Does Secret Cajun Band dance and boogie and shake their ass like wind blows trees?

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Swept Away...Aptly titled

Madonna's new movie isn't doing too well.

According to Don Imus' Scum Report, film goers this weekend laughed, booed and left theatres in disgust. One audience member was heard to shout, "Jesus, God, make it stop!".

Good.

Madonna and spelling challenged pal, Barbra Streisand, should make like Thelma and Louise and drive off a cliff.

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Don't Go Back To Rockville

The Maryland/Virginia sniper is taking weekends off. Apparently, even homicidal cowards need some down time.

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Sunday, October 13, 2002

Back to Our Senior European Correspondent...

My brother Rob - composer, amazing drummer, guitarist, percussionist, etc., wrote the soundtrack to Animals. It starred Tim Roth and Mickey Rooney and won the Top Independent film award in Japan in 2001. It should have won the award for best film in the Sundance Film Festival according to sources (my brother Rob, who is also your roving European correspondent). The movie has not been released in the U.S. yet and might not be for a while. We'll keep you updated. Rob is a genius so you should see this film when it is available here. He's working on another project in the meantime that other famous, goodlooking, Hollywood-type people might be in. Rob's naming names but I can't here because he's bigger than I am.

See - another reason to visit this site...it's like E or Page 6. I have the inside scoop.

Our motto: Not caring about page visits since 4:30.



B.I. is convinced that Tom Cruise is gay. The webmaster, while despising the famous West Orange midget, is not entirely sure.

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Benevolent Canine Dictator Does What Bush Can't - Regime Change

We knew they played pool but now they run backward nations. Who knew?

Go say hi to Rachel and the new benevolent dictator of Iraq.

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Working Harder to Get Home Earlier

While I watch football and bore my readers, the webmaster works.

It doesn't go unnoticed.

A Horton Viognier?

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A Reader Asks...

Dear B.I.,

Are you The ugly American they are always talking about?

Sincerely,

Karen


Dear Karen,

Yes.

B.I.

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In Related News...

The webmaster and I are probably going to Belgium this summer. We have some friends there. Stationed there, actually. I can't freakin' wait (sarcasm leaks out of mouth, slides down chin and soaks into jeans). The Belgians are almost worse than the French. I know, I know. I'm stereotyping here. My brother Rob who has traveled pretty extensively throughout France and Germany, told me that, at least in France's case, Paris is full of cheese-eating, surrender monkeys but the regular Pierre's in the countryside are generous and generally wonderful, albeit malodorous.

I don't know. I'm just not feeling the warm and fuzzies about going. I'm sure it'll be a great trip, it just doesn't give me the same sort of happy as the Caribbean. Damn, I love that place.

And it's not just the cheap booze.

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Reporting Live from Berlin
Or Not Necessarily the News

I just interviewed my lefty brother who lives in Berlin (formerly the east). OK, I just got off the phone with him (B.I. is getting rather full of himself). My source reports that the regular Fritzes on the German street have a large case of America envy. They can't understand how the retarded stepchild (the U.S.) could end up better off than mom and dad (Europe). They just can't get their brie-eating, snitzel-chomping heads around this.

So, they delude themselves into thinking that, well, really, we're way more sophisticated. After all, we do have more cheese than the stupid Americans. And while we haven't quite grasped the idea of deoderant or toothpaste yet, have you seen the cool new Euro dollar? Oh, wait. That's a bad example. We kind of stole that dollar word from the stinking, ugly Americans. A better example would be cheese! We have a lot of cheese. Oh, we already mentioned that. How about sausages? If you can fit it into a pig's intestines, we got it. And WE HAVE WINE, DAMNIT! So there!

I'm sure they're all nice, kind of smelly people with bad teeth but don't get me started.

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Day Late and a Torricelli Short

I know this is old news but what the hell is going on in New Jersey? I lived there for over 25 years, unfortunately. It's not exactly the asshole of the nation (that would be California) but it is that space right between the testicles and the hole. Does that have a name?

I still have relatives there and I swear, as the webmistress is my witness, if you people actually elect Frank "the corpse" Lautenberg, I will never, ever, ever go there again. I will have to meet my Mom at the Pennsylvania border.

Mom, how about that biker bar/strip club right on the river?

In their landmark, 'Rules Were Made to be Broken' decision, the SCONJ outdid the sheer assininity of the Florida supremes. Way to go, NJ!!!

Great. I just insulted two entire states. Way to build an audience. Tune in later when I alienate all of New England and the bulk of the midwest.

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Recipe for Disaster

You can't make this stuff up.

Apple-Cheese Molded Salad
(We weren’t kidding about putting anything in a mold. Now do you believe us?)

1 pkg. Lemon Jell-O
1 box of Red Hot Cinnamon Candy (Seriously!)
1 c. Boiling Water
1 ½ c. Applesauce
1 pkg. Cream Cheese (softened)
½ c. Chopped Walnuts
½ c. Chopped Celery
½ c. Sour Cream

Pour water over candies until dissolved (eeckk!). Add Jell-O and stir until dissolved. Add applesauce. Pour half of mixture into 9-inch pan. Chill until firm. Mix remaining ingredients: spread gently over mold. Pour remaining mixture over filling and chill.

Alternatives

Throw some bubblegum in there, what the hell. Better yet, substitute a cup of your own urine for the water. You obviously don’t care what you eat if you actually make this.

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Lazy

The webmaster has to go into work and I'm just going to watch some football. I'll think of something stupid to say soon.

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Stribalicious

New Backfence is up. Stribtacular as usual.

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