Saturday, October 26, 2002

Our October Road

Light posting today. Sorry. We're house hunting. A few things though that will make you think harder about taking that Saturday afternoon nap instead of reading this...


- I 've mentioned here that my neighbors are nuts - drinking beer at 9:30 this morning and putting up elaborate Halloween decorations. This after begging us for money because they couldn't feed their infant. I guess the crack business was slow that month.

- They peed on our car. I've said this before but it bears repeating.

- We think we found the phat house of our dreams. Said phat house is also phunky. And phresh! It has an inground pool that we are very excited about. Also, fireplace, big yard, blah, blah, blah.

Are you ever going to say something funny?

Funny is subjective.

- Want funny? See my earlier post regarding Fettuppine . And now introducing new Vagiccine. With 27% more genital fungus!!!We used to know someone with this. It flourished in her loins in a moist, powdered form. Kraft was farming her for a while in the 80's. It is produced by the female human and the flavor of the cheese-like smegma is slightly sweeter and coarser than fettuppine but just as splendid if you like dickcheese.

There. See - subjective.

- Sources close to me attended a foreign languages teacher conference yesterday.

So B.I., they probably talked about foreign language teaching methods and related crap, right?

Uh, you would think. But you would be wrong.

Well Jesus, what did they discuss? Pork futures? Michael Douglas's marital indiscretions?

Close. How about social justice for hispanics.

What does social justice have to do with teaching a foreign language since that discipline seems mostly objective as opposed to the very subjective, uh, subject of social justice.

Nothing. Our source spent four hours listening to a political agenda. And it's far from uncommon.

Look at this if you want to ruin your Saturday. Especially read the archives regarding post-modernism. PoMo is the philosophy behind all the political correctness crap.

Yes, I'm done.

Comments-[ comments.]

Friday, October 25, 2002

Thankfully, Not 'Lovesong For No One'

Staying home alone on a Friday....

I'm tired of being alone...

So hurry up and get here.

Seriously.

Comments-[ comments.]

Have We Mentioned That We Also Hate Al Gore And We Also Still Steal Stuff From Rachel Lucas?

More from National Review On-Dead-Tree:

From the diaries of Al Gore, as published in the Journal of Mental Illness, “Quiet Madness: The Unwinding of Al Gore,” November 2003:

...all against Al, of course, all trying to hurt Al again like they did before. But Al won’t let them. No he won’t. Al is now safe from their taunts and teases and tricks. Al can make big important speeches and they have to listen to him. He can say “do this!” and “do that!” and they have to do it or he will unleash his Special Powers. They try and try to get into his brain and get into his head—hahahahahaha!!!! The tinfoil keeps them out and boy are they mad! They look at Al Gore, Jr. giving important speeches that he wrote himself all over his hand and they can’t beam into his head because he’s wrapped in tinfoil and has powerful rubber bands around his feet and Tipper cries when she sees him wrap himself in the bathrobe and write his speeches on the wall with the Special Crayon but she doesn’t understand he’s becoming something...

You can still get 4 FREE copies for only $19.99!!!

Comments-[ comments.]

Great Indoors

Dear B.I.,

Are you aware that your run-on sentences are getting away from you?

Love,

Mom




Mom,

Don’t get me started....

B.I.







Comments-[ comments.]

Lump

Dear B.I.,

Me, Marge and the kids wanted to say hello to the voices in your head -

Hi!!

Warm Regards,

The Millers




Dear Millers,

They say Hi back and also - they have all stopped talking at the same time.

B.I.

Comments-[ comments.]

In The ‘You’re Not Going To Actually Write That’ Department...

Our Senior Israel correspondent, who, by the way - pronounces Challah with the ‘ch’ as in verbally challenged and also once ordered a ham and swiss sandwich at a Jewish deli - reports that he has nothing to report on Israel but does have a word for that cheese-like, smegma stuff that develops on and around the male genetalia (weenie and ball area - for my readers in California) -

Ready?


- Fettupini.

If you can manage to scrape enough of it into a saucepan, you can make Fettupini Alfredo.

Add cream.


I apologize in advance.

Christ, I’m still reeling from the sheer stupidity and diversity of subject matter from our last conversation with our Senior Israel correspondent.

Now you know what I put up with every day.

Oh, and he also reports that Israel is a country in the Middle East.

Comments-[ comments.]

Ten Thousand Lakes

Paul Wellstone has died in a planecrash.

So has his wife.

And his daughter.

Sometimes you need to leave politics out of it.

R.I.P.


Comments-[ comments.]

My Stupid Mouth

Has got me in trouble again.

Mama said, 'think before speaking'.


I obviously don't listen.

I just wanna be liked...

Just wanna be funny.

Looks like the joke is on me.

So call me Captain Backfire...

I'm never speaking up again...

Starting now.

One more thing,


Buy this!

Alice: Thanks for pulling my head out of my ass*.

* Not part of the actual song.

Comments-[ comments.]

Thursday, October 24, 2002

Have You Ever Been At 1499...

Me Neither.

Comments-[ comments.]

The Good The Bad - The Bad And The Ugly

Two John's * - The Good.

Two John's - The Bad.


Malvo - The Bad.

Malveaux ** - The Ugly.

*We here at B.I. actually have a better photo than this. It was taken at The Boat House in Norfolk, VA by my wife after she sweet-talked a huge bodyguard into "one more, please!!!" Also, the John on the right stared at the wife all night. Seriously.

Can't say that I blame him.


**We don't like Julianne. And we're not talking about her looks.

U.G.L.Y.

You ain't got no alibi.

You ugly!


Comments-[ comments.]

Highway To Hell

Thanks to everyone from Harmony Central for stopping by. Quite a showing.

And thanks, Bob.

I'm the drummer.

(Insert drummer joke here)

New Drummer Motto: We don't just bust up hotel rooms and then kill ourselves anymore!

Comments-[ comments.]

Doh!

We've got Simpson clouds here in Virginia Beach.

Comments-[ comments.]

One Question

Why did Chief Moose say "You asked us to say 'We have caught the sniper like a duck in a noose.' after Mr. Strap-On and his girlfriend were already caught? And why would this non-existing person ask that he say that in particular?

Hmmm.

Comments-[ comments.]

Return Of The Schwab

Found this gem courtesy of Instapundit:

Lance Berg, a Schwab spokesman, told CNSNews.com that Belafonte's speech to investors will "discuss human conditions and spiritual changes taking place around the world."

Spiritual changes around the the world???

Note to self: Don't invest with Charles Schwab.

Charles Schwab's new motto: We get stock tips from Shirley McLaine!

Comments-[ comments.]

POTUSA

Dear B.I.,

Was your first post today supposed to be some kind of not-so-cryptic message to someone you love and admire?

Sincerely,

Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

Yes.

B.I.

Comments-[ comments.]

Impromptus

Go read it.

No? Well, it contains this:

And, finally, in response to my note about the Democratic phrase “Taliban Republican,” a reader says, “I prefer to call myself a Barbra Streisand Republican: Because of Barbra Streisand, I’m a Republican.”

See, told ya?

Comments-[ comments.]

Sniper Suspects Caught And Interviewed

Continuing our exclusive interview with the alleged Sniper(s) who are now in custody...

excuse me for a sec....

...be right there...

hang...on...

Unfortunately, we cannot continue with, or actually start the interview because, uh, someone has kicked both the suspects teeth down their throats and they are choking on their own blood.

Truly unfortunate.

Comments-[ comments.]

Nauseating Bleats

After reading this:

Today’s permutation of the Flu: tsunamis of nausea, the sort of big wave you’d get if a 3-mile-wide can of Beefaroni hit an ocean of hydrochloric acid.

...puke made it's way to my uvula, said hello and thankfully went back down where it belongs.

Must you, James?

But then, on the religion of peace:

We don’t dress up our children in dynamite belts - and they think this makes us weak. We shield our children from death, not marinate them in its bloody juices, and they think this means we lack conviction. Morons. Come after our children, and you don’t know what you’re in for. You heard the part about awakening a sleeping giant? The sleeping giantess is the one you want to look out for, because she’ll tear off your head and lactate down your throat. Do not mess with American moms.

Genius.

Comments-[ comments.]

You're The One...

You're the sunshine.

Oh, and it looks like they caught the snipers.

Comments-[ comments.]

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Fox News Naming Names

Suspects in the sniper shootings have been named. One guy is John Mohammed and the other is Lee Malvo I think, and they might be related to the killings. According to Fox News, blah, blah, blah. Also, they're snot. I didn't mean to write that but it seems about right.

It's all I got at this point. But please check back later...





Comments-[ comments.]

Moose To Press - Sniper Is 'Pretty Decent Gardener'

Sniper Liked Landscaping - Had Nice Yard

Washington State officials, working in conjunction with law enforcement officials in Maryland, Virginia, the FBI, CIA, KGB, INTERPOL and this writer's own personal law enforcement agency, FTSRAWFOD (Finding The Sniper Right After We Finish Our Drink) - have, after digging up a tree stump and putting it in a U-Haul - consulted HGTV for clues.

A spokesperson for HGTV, after declining to comment, commented, "please no 'stumped' jokes. We're begging you. Also, we'd prefer if you didn't ask us about soil either at this point given the sensitive nature of the investigation.

Oh, and we'd also rather not get into decomposition".



Comments-[ comments.]

News Alerts

- Police are now digging up a backyard in Washington state looking for clues to the sniper shootings in the Maryland/Virginia area.

- Chief Charles Moose continues to have trouble saying 'with', 'the', and 'gather', as Moose continues to gaver evidence in the case.

- I will continue to steal material from Rachel Lucas.

- Blogger still sucks.

- My mother still has diabetes.

- One of the cats has thrown up again.

Click on any link for the latest! (If there is no link, it's not that much of an alert. Or it's not that Alerting? Alertive? Alertative? Alertitatative?) What are your thought on this? WE WANT TO KNOW!

Comments-[ comments.]

From the DNC

Terry McAuliffe, lover of Truth, purveyor of Justice, has issued this statement:

The Republicans are again trying to prevent people from voting at the polls.

Yes, Terry. Since polling places haven't opened yet, the CIA is finding registered Democrats and systematically shooting them.

Speaking of shooting people...

Hey Mr. Sniper Man
Sniper Me McAuliffe


Hey B.I.,

Is that Nice? You're sinking to his level!

Sincerely,

Sean




Sean,

Exactly.

B.I.

If hypocrisy and being a jackass were crimes, Terry McAuliffe would have been bludgeoned to death with a chair leg several years ago.

Comments-[ comments.]

Democrats Can't Lose

I'm not kidding. Even when they do, they think they haven't and immediately go to the courts (See Al Gore - Florida, and more recently Robert Torricelli - New Jersey).

Well folks, now it's happening in Missouri. Get a load of this crap:

There is speculation in Washington that Gov. Bob Holden, a Democrat, would hold off certifying Talent's election Nov. 5 because it immediately would shift control of the Senate to Republicans by one seat -- at least until the new Senate is sworn in in January.

Holden and Secretary of State Matt Blunt, a Republican, need to sign a certification for submission to the president of the Senate, according to federal law.

"I think Senator Carnahan will be elected," Holden said. "If she's not, we'll get our attorneys (together) to see what appropriate action should be taken. We will move as expeditiously as we can with the facts that we have."


Attorneys? Appropriate action? Facts? A Democrat wouldn't know a fact if it was lodged in his throat. Here we go again.

In a related story, the Michigan Supreme Court, comprised mostly of Democrats have made Michael Moore King of the United States. In their opinion they stated:

In our opinion, while Michael Moore is extremely fat, he did make some movie about this state which we, The Supreme Court, did not see but were told was important. Therefore, we, The Anointed Ones Sitting On High, have declared Michael Moore - King of these United States. Also, we are disbanding Congress. Furthermore, when Democrats lose, they will be declared the winner. The eagle will be replaced by the Robert Byrd as our National Symbol, the sun will now rise in the north, and only cows will be able to vote in states with a Republican majority.

Comments-[ comments.]

Limbo Stick II

In our continuing coverage of Colin Powell beating Harry Belafonte senseless, we now are happy to report in song:

The Dumbass Song

Dumbass, Du-umb-ass
(Powell come and me wanna go home)
Dumb all night, ‘cause me drink my rum
(That would explain your dumbass remarks)
Call Powell slave ‘cause me so dumb
(Powell come and me wanna go home)
(Whack!), (Ouch!)

Me a dumbass, me Harry Belafonte
(Powell come and me wanna go home)
I run wit a bunch of a liberal bananas
(Powell come and me wanna go home)
Powell’s like a deadly black tarantula
(Whack!), (Ouch!)
(Powell come and me wanna go home)
Dumb-ass, du-umb-ass
(Powell come and me wanna go home)

Belafonte’s an…
Ass, is an ass, is an ass, is an ass
(Whack!), (Ouch!)
(Stop!)


Comments-[ comments.]

Jesse Jackson - Call Your Office

Feminist groups are also shaking down corporations. When reached for comment Jesse Jackson said, "I taught them everything they know."

When asked if Rainbow/PUSH and groups like NOW are just more liberal wings of the Democratic party, Jackson replied, "We are all in this to further our cause. We have broken no laws. This is just more Republicans with jabbering jaws. For wounded minorities, we are the gauze. Corporate entities - elves, We - Santa Claus....Hibiddy-Jibbidy and a rat-a-tat-tat...".

Jackson continued on like this for several more minutes but we weren't paying attention.

Comments-[ comments.]

Coming To America

Aussie blogger Tim Blair, has come to the states (Welcome, Tim). I figured he wouldn't be posting while he was here because of the heavy drinking and all. I was wrong. Check out his happy little visit to the U.N. He also has a tip for you entrepreneurial types:

Someone should market double-sided fits-all-protests signs for these demonstrations. One side: "Do Something, America!" Other side: "Do Nothing, America!" Everybody's happy.

Comments-[ comments.]

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Powell Beats Belafonte With Limbo Stick

Belafonte Say: Powell Come And Me Wan' Go Home!

This is breaking news and will be updated continuously throughout the next - uh - however long we decide to cover it.

And we're tired.

Powell: Dumbass! (Whack!)

Belafonte: Ouch!



Comments-[ comments.]

Don't Buy The Boots

But go visit Sarah over at Moral Calculus and not just because Christopher actually finished Atlas Shrugged, she's funny and posted Letterman's Top Ten list days before I did.

Comments-[ comments.]

Sounds Familiar

I believe I made a similiar point a few days ago:

If you've been following — and how could you not be — the coverage of the D.C.-area sniper investigation, you've heard the opinions of retired FBI agents, former police detectives, forensic psychologists (whatever that might mean), ex-military snipers, and all manner of others who have somehow convinced harried news producers that they are worthy of a bit of face time on the tube and have something interesting to add to the discussion. Having digested some of this discussion over the past few days, one thing is transparently clear to me, as it should be to you: Nobody knows nothin'. Soon we'll be seeing some talking head identified by a graphic such as this: "Amos McDuff — watched every episode of Mannix."

I would link to the post but I'm an idiot and couldn't figure out how. It's in my archives from 10/17. Scroll down. It's called 57 Channels and Sniper's On.

Comments-[ comments.]

And A G-File

Jonah on Geraldo Rivera:

Maybe they could have a series of specials — a la Al Capone's vault — in which they have Geraldo constantly open white vans only to find them completely empty.

Just go to NRO and read everything.



Comments-[ comments.]

New Jersey Goober Election Update

The Title of this NRO article - Metuchen A Nerve. New Jersey readers will get it (are there any?).

An excerpt:

Democratic Senate candidate Frank Lautenberg's scheduled grip-and-grin was interrupted by the approach of his GOP opponent, Doug Forrester, dragging two podiums. Forrester challenged Lautenberg to make good on his earlier "any place, any time" debate pledge on the spot.

Also, a new Impromptus is up. He does a little French-bashing and Castro-bashing in the same piece which automatically makes it a worthy read:

John F. Burns in the New York Times noted that Saddam Hussein’s regime had hailed France and Russia for their “friendship” in thwarting America’s “hegemony.”

Is it possible that France could be embarrassed by this — being praised by Saddam Hussein? Doubtful. Recall that the French built the Iraqi nuclear reactor that Menachem Begin blew up in 1981. They’re still sore about that (the French, I mean — the Iraqis may have forgotten).


And this that he got from Letterman:

TOP TEN SIGNS BARBARA WALTERS IS IN LOVE WITH FIDEL CASTRO

10. Her first question: “How’d you get so dreamy?”
9. Squeals like a schoolgirl every time he tortures a dissident
8. She’s wearing his varsity dictator jacket
7. Re-named her newsmagazine “Veinte/Veinte”
6. Told him, “You have led a violent overthrow of my heart”
5. Has same look Diane Sawyer had when she and Khomeini were dating
4. Breakfast, lunch and dinner: pulled pork
3. New sign-off line on “The View”: “Socialism or death”
2. When asking him about Camp X-Ray, she accidentally called it “Guantana-marry me”
1. The long, mangy beard hairs on her blouse



Comments-[ comments.]

Read The Bleat Daily

Lileks quotes himself from 1993 on North Korea:

Nuclear weapons are hard to get, and will no doubt be even harder to obtain when the Brady Bill is signed.

Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!

And this:

Stumpy tyrant Kim Il-Sung kicked the bucket, and oh, what wailing commenced - an unchecked flow of tears and sobs for the trusted and beloved friend. And that was just at Jimmy Carter’s house.

And:

Kim Il-Sung commanded genuine respect, because he actually killed people by the tens of thousands. His son is famous for running down individual pedestrians in his car while driving recklessly around the country. Unless you can get the entire South Korean army to cross the street against the light, this is a skill of limited utility.

Come on, people! This is funny stuff.

Comments-[ comments.]

Police To Sniper - Call Me Back - Or, Why Don't You Just Come Over

Police, after receiving a call from the alledged sniper, initially asked the sniper to call them back. But after further consideration, decided to ask him over to the precinct "for a few beers". No word yet on whether the sniper has accepted the invitation.

In a related story, whackjob and dog-lover, David Berkowitz (aka the Son of Sam), has asked the sniper to stop his sniperfest. This, after ass-clown and senior Washington correspondent for Fox News, Rita Cosby, asked him to comment on the recent slayings.

"I am not sure it is one person or two, if this is a tormented and raging psychopath or a terrorist, or even an American terrorist such as Timothy McVeigh was," he wrote.

He added finally, "Hey, wait a minute! I'm insane, Rita. Who cares what I think."

Comments-[ comments.]

Monday, October 21, 2002

Inoperable

Always loving a good godmonkey, I think, we get more reviews. Ian over at Inoperable Terran, says more nice things:

And Bill Cimino (aka Bloviating Inanities)'s posts are all good. I love the inline reader objections schtick!

Uh, Ian - all my mail is real, thank you very much - in the sense that it is fake and I make it all up. But thanks for pointing that out.

Ian gets a link. Loving godmonkeys since - uh, earlier today.





Comments-[ comments.]

I Get Linked, Reviewed And Quoted

Vampagan - who I am not linking to because frankly that name creeps me out a little, plus I suspect he's a lefty but can't be completely sure because his site gave me a headache - also gave me a compliment:

I don't know. It's pretty funny actually.

I didn't say it was a ringing endorsement. Hey, it's a link.

If you Google me you can find him. The Webmaster reports that there are naked chicks and porn links. You have been warned. And bring some Tylenol gel-caps.







Comments-[ comments.]

Hey Joe - Where You Going With That Shoe In Your Hand

Joe also has Defense Department secrets.

Comments-[ comments.]

In 'The Lazy Moron' Department

Sorry for the light posting but I was attempting to add permanent links to the site. I wasn't going to bother because I was ordered by Rachel to switch to Movable Type (I'm working on it, Rach), but it's only fair. Some of you guys are doing it for me so.... I know how to do it but I was having problems with placement. That's why Rachel appears directly under the Blogger ad. So now, it looks like I'm being powered by Blogger and Rachel Lucas - which isn't so far from the truth. See, everything happens for a reason.

Anyway, There will be more links. Thanks to all who have linked to me.

Comments-[ comments.]

Another Link

Joe over at Short Strange Trip has given me a link. You guys are too kind.

Thanks, Joe.

Comments-[ comments.]

Another Homicide Bombing

Rotten bastards.

Many have made this point before me but it's time for a real ass-whoopin' so that there is a definite winner (Israel) and a loser (the Palestinians) in this war. That's what it is. Arafat can be exiled (though I prefer a bullet to the head). Of course, all the usual suspects - France, The U.N. - will lose their minds but what can they do but scream. They would also need U.S. backing.

Nobody knows what these people go through.

What about the poor palestinians?

They only have themselves to blame. I have zero sympathy for their plight.

And I'd go so far as to say, if Israel doesn't go this route, they only have themselves to blame. Really, enough is enough.

My heart goes out to the victims of this latest atrocity.

Comments-[ comments.]

Stew Anyone?

Found this over at The Corner. Man, I bet he'd be delicious.

Comments-[ comments.]

Live Coverage

We now go live to our Senior Virginia Correspondent, Madonna, at the press conference.

B.I: Are you in Richmond?

Madonna: No, I'm in Virginia Beach but I married a guy who once lived in Richmond.

B.I.: Close enough. What are they reporting?

Madonna: Well, Bill, the spokesperson has reported that they have taken two men into custody and they are being interrogated. Also, the van one of the guys was driving was confiscated.

B.I.: Is that all?

Madonna: He also said something about concern for the citizens.

B.I.: Weren't you paying attention?

Madonna: That was the part where I dropped my tuna sandwich.

B.I.: Well, do you have any more to report.

Madonna: My shirt is itchy.

B.I.: In what way?

Madonna: It's made out of some scratchy material and it's very itchy.

B.I.: Can you relate this itchy shirt in any way to the Sniper?

Madonna: Well, uh, if he were wearing this shirt it might be a deterrent because he'd be too itchy to shoot.

B.I.: Interesting. Do you have anything else to add?

Madonna: Yes, leave me alone.

B.I.: Thank you.

Madonna: You're welcome.


Comments-[ comments.]

Sniper Update

CNN is reporting that two men, one in a white mini-van, are being questioned by the police in Richmond.

Thanks to our Senior Virginia Correspondent Madonna for the tip.

Comments-[ comments.]

I Am Sam Star, Wasn't Acting

Real life retard, Sean Penn is against the war.

Yawn.

Comments-[ comments.]

I'm Not Saying All Democrats are Lying Hypocrites, But...

More from the Mullings archive:

From our "Do-You-Know-Who-I-Am?" Department: Women's Wear Daily has an eyewitness account about Our Man 'o the People, Dick Gephardt:

-- Gephardt got into the first class car on a train from Washington to New York with an aide and a bodyguard (incorrectly identified in the WWD piece as a "Secret Service Agent"), who;
-- Insisted that the conductor move people, who were already seated, so Gephardt could sit with said aide and said bodyguard, after which;

-- The conductor, collecting tickets, saw that Gephardt, aide, and bodyguard had tickets for the hoi polloi section, NOT first class, causing;

-- Gephardt, aide, and bodyguard to "skulk" through the door marked "Great Unwashed," leading;

-- At least one fully-funded first class passenger to break into applause.


Comments-[ comments.]

Fill 'er Up

Rich Galen over at Mullings writes in a recent column:

The murder of a woman walking out of a Home Depot the other night took the murders from being terrifying, to being petrifying.

And consider this:

Where and when to fill a car with gasoline has become a tactical exercise:

-- Wait until there is an available spot among the pumps farthest from the street.
-- Pull in to the side of the pump which places your gas cap toward the building, putting the vehicle between you and the street.
-- Swipe your credit card (pressing the "no" button when asked if you will want a receipt), start the pump, walk briskly inside the building, and wait there until your tank is full.
-- Before returning to your car, survey the area.
-- Moving rapidly, replace the pump and the gas cap, get back into your vehicle and drive away as quickly as possible.


Frightening.

Comments-[ comments.]

A Can Of 'Vision'

For some reason (you're a moron?), I haven't read Dave Barry in a while.

Warning: Don't be eating or drinking anything while you read it. I'm not kidding.

Comments-[ comments.]

Sunday, October 20, 2002

Straight To My Heart

In our continuing effort to suck, we have decided to write an actual, articulate article (minus alliteration - har har!) on the subject of my choice once weekly. Here's my first attempt:

I am going to spend some time with my wife.

Dear B.I.,

That sucked!

Sincerely,

B.J.


Dear B.J.,

You were warned.

B.I.

Thank you. Goodnight.


Comments-[ comments.]

Sunday Broccoli Sunday

Don't make this.

A Bad Broccoli Recipe

2 eggs
1 c. Mayonnaise
1 can Cream of Mushroom Soup (severely condensed)
1 tsp. Dried Onion
½ c. Water
Velveeta Cheese Food (grated)
3 pkgs. Frozen Broccoli

Mix together the first five bad ingredients. Add broccoli and cheese in layers in a greasy
baking dish. Bake at 350° for 30 minutes.

Alternatives

- Count all the little balls on the top of each floret until they come and take you away.

- Ask your kids how obvious it is that you don’t love them based solely on side dishes like this.

- Substitute the dried onion with arsenic and have your family guess how long it will take the neighbors to start smelling your decomposing bodies.


Tip: The racks in your oven that pull out - do so for a reason. When you are removing or checking on something in the oven, pull the rack out first. Don’t just reach in. I have more scars on my arms than I have pubic hair because of this. And while we’re on the subject of pubic hair, there is nothing worse than finding one of them on your spamwich, so remember to wear pants while you’re cooking.

Comments-[ comments.]

One Million Reasons

B.I.: Sniperguy, are you a vegetarian or are you killing people randomly?

Sniperweasel: Yes.

Bi: All together now..........Uh, oh.


A reader comments -

Dear B.I.,

You are becoming predictable, nonsensical, in the sense that you don't make any, and your attempts at humor are extremely tasteless.

Love,

Nancy


Dear Nancy,

Thank you.

B.I.

Fine, I'll keep writing my own hate mail. You people are useless.

Comments-[ comments.]

Over The Eggshells

Apparently the Brits have a - get this - Minister for Young People.

Coming soon - A Minister for Blantanly Stupid Ministries.

Comments-[ comments.]

Web Monkeys And Foreign Policy

After making the same point 17 times, Jonah Goldberg (who I respect and admire), makes more good points.

...Let me expand upon a truism about human nature. If you have a fairly limitless supply of food stamps but a very small amount of cash on hand, over time you will not only grow to believe, but will actually become quite self-righteous about, your conviction that food stamps should be as good as cash everywhere — including car dealerships, movie theaters, and casinos. In fact, it won't be too long before you see food stamps as the only legitimate form of currency.

And...

The webmonkey, having limited experience with, say, the telephone, human contact, or sunlight, tends to think the web can solve your problems because that's the only subject he can discuss intelligently...

What the hell does that have to do with foreign policy???


Just go read it.

Comments-[ comments.]

Hairy Flute-Playing Goat Gods

Now that I've got your attention, go read the Backfence.

Comments-[ comments.]

Go Back To Sleep!

Dear B.I.,

You say uh, oh a lot. Can you please get a vocabulary?

Sincerely,

Jim


Jim,

Right. Please go here. Thanks.

B.I.

Comments-[ comments.]

We've Got Cornfields

Let's go to our senior political correspondent in Kansas for an election update in that state...

B.I.: Nancy?

Nancy: Bill, Bob Dole is still the loser of the 1996 Presidential election.

B.I. - Hmmm. We know how you feel. If it wasn't for a certain sniper we know, it would be a slow news day here as well. I'm going to have to cut you off here because we have to go to our exclusive interview of the Sniper Person which is exclusive and only we here at B.I. have it because we thought it up. We'll get back to you in a moment...or the next time a Viagra user from your state gets a Presidential nomination.

B.I.: So what have you been up to lately?

Sniper Monkey: Oh, watched a little football yesterday - Nebraska lost again. Caught up on a little reading. Did the grass. The usual. But I'm dying to get back to work.

B.I.: Uh, oh.

Comments-[ comments.]

90 Miles An Hour, Baby

Dear B.I.,

Do your Headings have anything to do with your posts?

Love,

Kim




Dear Kim,

What is your point? More importantly - what is mine?

B.I.

Comments-[ comments.]
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