Saturday, November 02, 2002

My Baby's Got Sauce

If there were any justice in the world, G-Love and Special Sauce would be as huge as M&M and M&M would be stocking cans in a grocery store.

That's it.

Comments-[ comments.]

Fear And Loathing In Virginia Beach

My wife and MIL went to some play involving ABBA turds so me and the FIL decided to go have a few drinks at a place called, let's say, not South Beach. not South Beach, you say? Sounds exotic, Club-like, maybe even exclusive. Uh, yes, in the sense that there were balding women over 50. But that is being kind because A) She was bald - we had to pick up her wig more than once and B) We think she was a guy.

Let's start from the beginning. Arrive at not South Beach at 7:30 with Bachman Turner Overdrive blaring. Average crowd age - 52 - appears to be a pick-up joint for this age group. Typical redneck joint - checkered curtains, pool table and drunk being thrown out as we enter. ZZ Top is next. She's got legs. She's also got arthritis. The bartenders are two attractive blondes. Until you get up close to order a drink. One is forty-ish but you can tell she's been here a long time. She has fresh stitches. The other is over fifty, bleached platinum, and looks over sixty. Bob Seger? Night Moves? Not with that face.

Overheard conversations: Some chick who calls everyone Dick, as in 'Dick, get me another Yukon Jack', she calls women Dick also - a guy says, 'and then she hit me with a phone. She also hit me with a coffee cup once' and - 'He's the only one I ever knew that got thrown out of the local supermarket for life. Why? Because he started throwing cans 'o corn at the butcher!' Another woman who sounds like Micky Mouse if he were from Arkansas and inhaling helium. We're talking screeching southern. Screeching Southern is also an excellent name for a rock band. Unlike say, well, read on.

Next up - Dire Straits. A guy with a broken arm falls off his stool. Then The Cars, Candy-O. Make it soft, we have dentures. We can't seem to break out of the 80's. Then Rush - Tom Sawyer, finally, something...oh, still 80's.

Hey, live music! Five bald guys doing Disco Duck. Well, that makes the evening complete. Name of band? Ready...Coolin' Out. I wish I had made it up too.

Then I went to the bathroom. Tex is taking a dump. Smell is unbearable. Tex wipes, Bill holds breath.

Pheeeww.

Overheard in parking lot as we left: 'I'm here to boogie - Coolin' Out's playin', right?

Got home, cooled out.

Comments-[ comments.]

Friday, November 01, 2002

Take A Nap - Get A Scholarship

I found this article over at ESPN.com. You now can get a full athletic scholarship if you get a 400 on your SAT's. You get a 400 for signing your name:

That's right: 400, which is, not so coincidentally, the lowest score possible.

Not a single answer correct on the test.

Sign your name, and fall asleep at the desk. When you wake up, there will be a full-ride scholarship and the sounds of some coach diagramming a play against Indiana awaiting you.


This will especially gall Rachel Lucas who is currently going to school full time and paying full tuition while working full time. That's right - full, full and full. And along comes Brainless McAssclown who can neither read nor write and gets a free education that he doesn't want so he can play hoops at a Major U. It's not the kids fault though. Blame the Universities that cave to any group that whines enough about 'injustice'.

The move takes college presidents off the hook with advocates for black athletes, who, armed with research data, argue that the current SAT minimum of 820 unfairly penalizes disadvantaged students who come from inner-city school systems that fail to properly prepare them for college admittance.

Whatever.

It's not just college sports either. Universities avoid controversy at any cost. Don't believe me, go here.

Comments-[ comments.]

Rambo Gerbils?

Morrisey's music career may be in the crapper but he's resourceful - we'll give him that. He writes:

I'm having more success these days breeding my "Rambo Gerbils". They are special trained to go up and rescue their trapped buddies.

Good for you, Morrisey! Talk about your human habitrails.

Comments-[ comments.]

You've Got Balls

According to this book, during Mondale's acceptance speech after he promised, brilliantly I might add, to raise taxes, Dan Rostenkowski, who was standing behind Mondale, said, "You've got balls". To which Mondale responded, "Look at them" (not his balls, the people in the audience, his people, his constituents), "I am going to tax their ass".

Imagine that! Talk about useful idiots. I'm telling you Democrats, pay attention. You are little more than useful idiots. Remember that Tuesday.

Comments-[ comments.]

De Do Do Do

Did you ever notice that white nose hair grows longer that black nose hair? Me neither until my brother-in-law and Senior Nose Hair Correspondent pointed it out. And it turns out he's absolutely right. But why, I wonder. So I am proposing that the Federal Government commission a study or form a commission or something to study this phenomenon because not enough of my tax dollars are going down the crapper. It could be called The Commission On White Nose Hair Length As It Relates To Black Nose Hair Length. Also, I googled Nose Hair and found this .


Comments-[ comments.]

A Day In The Life

My sister and her husband are insurance brokers and are forced to take continuing education classes periodically. Below she relates her experience on her latest insurance adventure. Topic: Ethical Strategies. Sounds vaguely Clintonesque, doesn’t it? Could have been worse, like - Social, Racial and Gender Inequalities in the Insurance Industry.

Anyway, here goes:

Arrive half an hour before class to write your name on attendance sheet. Apparently some people need 30 minutes for this.

The location, a local Holiday Inn, smells like bad hospital food.

The boredom in the room is palpable. You can almost hear the voices in our heads. "Why am I here?" "I hate this!" “When will he shut up?" "What time is it?" "The instructor looks like a turtle!"

The guy in the front row is pounding his fists against his head. Another is doing a crossword puzzle. My husband asks me every minute and a half for the time. I've written my Thanksgiving menu as well as the corresponding shopping list.

It's mid-afternoon and feet begin tapping, there's coughing and sniffing, eye glasses come off and on, knees are shaking, eyes are red and blurry - as the instructor drones on and on and on - something about Willie Loman in "Death of a Salesman". Papers are shuffled, pens are clicking, oh God, someone's picking their nose! Where the hell am I?

The guy with the cast on his leg is cracking his bare toes and scratching between them with his glasses. A cell phone rings - I hope it's for me! One woman in the back is sleeping and another hasn't blinked her eyes in an hour.

Finally after eight hours, we are released.

PS. Here is how I would have run the class on "Ethical Strategies". Hello. Do unto others, blah, blah, blah. Class Dismissed.


Thank you for sharing, Lisa.

Comments-[ comments.]

Ouch Again!

Jay Nordlinger writes:

Canada continues in its creepy grossness. You have undoubtedly heard that Ottawa has issued a “travel advisory” for the United States, warning the Muslim and the swarthy generally that an Ashcroftian terror exists here, so watch out. That was days after the French prime minister spoke at a conference in Beirut with the leader of Hezbollah sitting in the first row.

When I say, “Oh, Canada,” it’s more with a groan than in praise. Next time you’re bashing the worst of the Euros, don’t forget their likenesses north of our own border.


My wife is Canadian so this really hurts. She's well aware of the problems there and it bothers her to no end. She is very glad not to be there. And for that we owe the Mother-in law immensely.

And this:

I read entirely without surprise the story from Cornell University about the debate consuming the school’s Health Services: whether to provide vibrators.

Yes, you read that correctly. Conversation between father and daughter at Cornell University:

Father: So, Jane are you taking American History?

Daughter: No, Dad, but I got this cool new rubber dick at the nurse's office!

Father: Wh-what?? Why the hell did you have to go to the nurse's office?

Daughter: For condoms, an Aid's test and my gonorrhea medicine.

Father: (puts gun in mouth, pulls trigger)

Believe me, I'm no prude. But maybe it shouldn't be the role of colleges and universities to be handing out battery-powered penises.

Comments-[ comments.]

Ouch!

Lileks autopsies Fritz in today's Bleat. It's not pretty.

Mondale says in his speech: I will fight for all people who want to stop this mindless assault on our air, our water, our land and God's beauty.

Lileks responds:

Good Christ, does this man still think they’re running the commercial with the stolid weeping Indian? The debate these days isn’t whether to keep the family Buick from pumping lead into the atmosphere by the cubic ton, but whether we should let companies dump waste whose mercury content has been reduced by 99.8% when they could make it 100% for an extra nine jillion dollars a year.

Mondale speech: That's the belief that won Jimmy Carter the Nobel Peace Prize. That's the course that the first President Bush took in the gulf war. And that's where Paul Wellstone stood, and that's where I will stand in the United States Senate.

Lileks:

Meaning: “I’ll give France a veto over national security issues.” It’s like his promise in the 1984 DNC nomination speech to raise taxes. You don’t know what’s more amusing - that such nonsense is trotted out as a badge of pride and courage, or that the speechwriters intended it as a line that brought the hall to its feet.

I get the picture. I get the idea. I read him loud and clear. He’ll fight for everything.

Except for actual fighting.


Read it all! Now.

Comments-[ comments.]

We've Got Gerbils

We got our first comment from a famous person! On yesterday's taseful 'lightbulb' post, fruity crooner, Morrisey writes:

Honey, you think THAT was bad? You should of seen me the first time I did some "Gerbil Smuggling." No one told me to clip the nails and the teeth! Now that I have the hang of it, I'm like a Human Habitrail!

Glad to hear it, Morrisey! Don't forget to 'clean the cage'.

Comments-[ comments.]

Thursday, October 31, 2002

Bleats and Backfences

A snippet from today's Bleat:

I think it was “Casablanca” that brought me around. I saw it for the first time in 1983, and had the usual young-man reaction; I wanted to go someplace exotic, stand around in a white jacket, smoke, get tragically drunk, sleep with Ingrid Bergman and shoot a Nazi. (I ended up just smoking.)

Me too.

And this from the Backfence on explaining Halloween to a toddler:

Oh, look, it's Mr. Bones! Hah hah. Hello, Mr. Bones! Why, you've lost your meat suit!

Comments-[ comments.]

Turn Off The Radio

If you like ska, and even if you don't, you should buy this CD. But that has nothing to do with what I wanted to say. I was listenig to the radio today and there is this political ad for Jo Ann Davis who is an incumbent Congresswoman here. Well, the ad features a mother talking to her 4 year old son...about tax relief!! And the kid actually understands and responds intelligently, 'So if Jo Ann Davis provides tax relief for our family, I'll get more fruit loops, right?".

Way to target the pre-school demographic, Jo Ann.

Jo Ann Davis - Clowngresswoman

Comments-[ comments.]

We Get Real Comments Though

Keith writes of his home state:

It's not 10,000 lakes. It's One Big Swamp.

As for the 10 billion mosquitos, 1.2 billion of them were in my back yard this past summer. It was an "indoor" kind of year...


Thanks for writing, Keith and say hello to those shining examples of solemnity - the Wellstone lads for me.

Comments-[ comments.]

Let There Be Light

I read this in a true book once...

Uh, Bill, 'true' book? It's called non-fiction.

Right, non-fiction. Anyway, I read this book written by a real physician. And he recounts the following (not for the faint of heart):

A guy, for reasons I will never, ever, ever understand, somehow manages to stick a lightbulb up (use your imagination here). The lightbulb naturally (Insert Rolling Stones song title here). As you would expect when you try to cram a lightbulb into a very tight space. What I want to know is -

What was the ride to the emergency room like?

Comments-[ comments.]

We Make Up Mail

Dear B.I.,

Do you sometimes change stuff after posting it hours before so what I thought I read is now different and I think it's me who's nuts?

Sincerely,

Steve


____________________________________________________________________


Dear Steve,

First let me ask - do you always write in incomprehensible run-on sentences?

The answer to your question is - yes I do. I can do whatever I want. For instance, I can delete any post containing, say, the word corn-weasel.

B.I.

______________________________________________________________________

Dear B.I.,

What's a corn-weasel?

Sincerely,

Steve again


______________________________________________________________________

Dear Steve again,

It's a, uh, weasel, of the corn. It's like Children of the Corn only with, like, weasels.

Doesn't Weasels of the Corn sound like something Gary Larson would think up?

B.I.

______________________________________________________________________

Dear B.I.,

Are you comparing yourself to Gary Larson?

Still Steve


______________________________________________________________________

Dear Still Steve,

No. Gary Larson is a famous cartoonist. I am a, well, a corn-weasel.

B.I.

Comments-[ comments.]

I'll Swallow Your Soul

Yikes!

Michele over at A Small Victory is also still steamed about the Wellstone crapfest. Jeez, she might be angrier than me and I didn't think that was possible. Then again, I think Michele could kick my ass.

Judging from her site, she strikes me as a scary broad. And I mean that as a compliment.

So go read her already.

Comments-[ comments.]

More Minnesota

One more thing, I saw this list once of state slogans and Minnesota's was:

Land Of 10,000 Lakes - And 10 Billion Mosquitos.

Comments-[ comments.]

Corrections

I just noticed that in my post on the Haitians yesterday, I called Minnesota the Great Lakes State which is incorrect. Minnesota is the Land of 10,000 Wolverines, also, the "We're Not Canadians But We Might As Well Be" State and is the home of the Crimson Tide.

Minnesota is proud of it's many accomplishments including but not limited to - losing many Superbowls, electing wrestlers and holding solemn memorial services. Also, I once fell asleep standing up with a glass of Absolut and soda after a 24 hour drive to that great state (it only seemed like 22 hours). And many famous people are natives of Minnesota including Walter Matthau, Jack Lemmon, Daryl Hanna, and the Penguin from Batman.

So my points are, Minnesota is a lovely state with many proud traditions and thanks to everyone who pointed out my mistake. And by everyone, I mean no one. Come on, people. Do I have to edit myself here? Do I have to do everything?

Comments-[ comments.]

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Sniper Attacks Resume - Maryland/Virginia Prosecuters Suspected

The sniper attacks have resumed in the Maryland - Virginia area where the initial attacks took place. But this time they seem to be being perpetrated by the prosecuters who have been fighting over who gets to try John Muhammad and Lee Malvo first.

One Maryland prosecuter said, "This case is so high profile everyone wants it. The stakes are so high that we're willing to do anything to get it first. So yeah, this shooting spree I'm on is totally worth the risk".

An unnamed source said that Maryland prosecuters are shooting Virginia prosecutors and vice-versa. They are even targeting each others family members. He went on to say that even Federal prosecutors are involved...in the shootings, not with the investigation.

Asked for comment, Chief Moose said, "There is no need to panic like you did the last time. Only prosecutors and their families need to panic. They are the only ones being targeted, so please go about your daily routine. Unless you are a prosecutor or know one of course". Moose went on to say that if you are getting gas, eating at a restaurant, or in a movie theater with a prosecutor, leave immediately.

Police are trying to track the prosecutors but they are never in their offices anymore and are apparently all driving around in white mini-vans. This could help police with the investigation but so far there are no leads except that they know who the suspects are.

Police are also worried that once the prosecutors are caught there will be no one to prosecute them.

Comments-[ comments.]

An Open Letter to Democrats

Dear Democrats,

I have sadly come to the conclusion that the Democratic party is evil. And I do mean that in the literal sense. Not individual Democrats, the Party. Democrats, and I used to be one, are misguided, ideologically bankrupt, sometimes stupid but they are, for the most part, not evil. The Party is a different story.

I come to this conclusion after last night's Ass-Fest in Minnesota. There are not words to describe how I felt as I watched that circus. So here's my point, If you don't disassociate yourselves from that disgrace of a Party, that group of clowns, those puss-filled purveyors of poo, I will borrow a Clue Bat from Rachel Lucas , hunt you down and beat you senseless.

Alright, that won't happen but if I run into any of you and you make the mistake of telling me you are a Democrat, you will hear a litany of profanity the likes of which you have never heard. I promise you. You will think I am insane and you will be right.

Yes, I'm done.

Bill Cimino

Comments-[ comments.]

Restless In Minneapolis

Kathryn Jean Lopez over at the NRO Corner got this e-mail:

A Minnesotan e-mails: I just read your post about Coleman and the poll that just came out - do not believe it. There is huge backlash already taking place after last night's fiasco. If Mondale's lead is only 8 after 5 days of Wellstone tributes this race is going to be a coin flip. Coleman is just playing the part of the wronged candidate.

The radio stations are just on fire this morning with complaints about the tackiness and unfairness of the service and coverage of it. The media outlets feel totally burned and now either look foolish or partisan (when they are both in reality). People are calling in demanding equal time for the other parties and station managers are lamely trying to explain themselves. Jesse Ventura and his wife got up and left when that weasel was screaming "Win it for Wellstone" ( he continues to vex me by acting like a rational leader these last few weeks of his term).
Posted at 09:20 AM



Bill, you seemed a slightly obsessed with this solemn memorial - turned - Britney Spears concert.

It's not obsession, it's outrage. And no, I will not let it go.

I. HAVE. HAD. IT.

Comments-[ comments.]

Chappaquiddeappolis

Heard this on the Imus radio show driving to work this morning...

The scene: Norm Coleman, the guy running against Paul Wellstone's ghost/Walter Mondale is being interviewed by Matt Lauer or Katie Couric and he is...

standing in front of a plane!

So someone says, 'That's like Ted Kennedy being interviewed in front of a bridge'.

Comments-[ comments.]

Happy Halloween!!!

If you missed last night's horror show, you missed the most horrific show of this Halloween season. Night of the Living Dead, Dead-Alive, Halloween, Hellraiser all pale in comparison.

Hmmm. Let's see. How to describe it....no words coming....uh, disgusting...shameful...(feel the rage coming - must supress the rage)....

Bill - be nice!

Right. Let's leave it at this:

Senator Wellstone spun and spun and spun and spun.

And then he spun some more.


Comments-[ comments.]

Hundreds Of Haitians Arrive In U.S. For Last Night's Mid-Term Democratic Convention

More than 200 Haitians arrived in Miami yesterday in order to make their way to Minnesota to attend the Democratic Convention there. So excited were they about the convention, the Haitians leapt from the boat they were on and swam ashore. They then clogged a highway in order to hitch a ride to the Land of 10,000 Lakes.

When interviewed by INS agents, one of the Haitian immigrants said, "I don't know - some guy came to my village and offered me and my family cheese sandwiches and promised there would be no more beatings if we got on the boat so we did. The whole village did. Then he said something about Senate seats, some dead guy and Minnesota. I'm not really sure. Anyway, here we are".

When reached for comment, DNC Chairman, Terry MacAuliffe said, "We believe multilateralism is the way to go in this all important mid-term election. Hey, we're just coalition-building".

In a related story, several protesters gathered outside the INS building in Miami chanting compelling slogans such as, "No no, we won't go, if you send us away we'll come back. America is for all of us." And "Hell no, we won't go! Unless you start hitting us with that club!".

Comments-[ comments.]

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

We Round Up

I have reached, for the first time, 500 visits in a day (479 - but it's only 11:40 and we're rounding up don't forget).

Thanks. And I'll be here all week.

Comments-[ comments.]

General Franks Thanks Reporters For Their Stupid Questions

General Tommy Franks, taking his second question during a press conference earlier, was asked, "First of All, what are you doing here?".

After considering the assininity of the question for a few moments, Franks sighed heavily and then thanked reporters for their stupid questions and left the podium.

Surprisingly, the question was not asked by the ancient Helen Thomas.

Afterward, when asked for comment, Franks said, "Well, what I wanted to say was 'what am I doing here? Jesus! I'm talking to you, jackass'".

Comments-[ comments.]

Two Killed When Tornado Hits Lousiana Trailer Park

Officials were shocked at the death of two women when the tornado destroyed their mobile home. The father said seven people were living there.

A neighbor commented, "you know, you move into a trailer park in a state that is known for it's violent tornadoes and hurricanes and then something like this happens.

Comments-[ comments.]

Bush Signs Bill Targeting 'Stupid Voters'

George W. Bush signed a bill today which would make it a crime to vote and be stupid at the same time. Following the fiasco in Florida both in the 2000 presidential race which Bush won and more recently in the Democratic Primaries, lawmakers have been working on a bill to "get voters to stop being jackasses and start paying attention".

One Florida poll worker commented, "Stupid voters are not strictly limited to Florida. We can't stress this enough! Look at what's going on in New Jersey! Please!! Just stop looking at Florida... " before she broke down in tears.

Bush said he hoped tough new penalties will make the stupid voter "think twice before gong to the polls".

The penalties include jail time of up to - "until you stop being stupid". You could also be slapped around by The Emporer.

Comments-[ comments.]

Federal Charges To Be Filed Against Muhammad

Muhammad's stepson, John Lee Malvo, will likely be charged but federal prosecutors will not be able to seek the death penalty because it only applies to people 18 years and older.

This, after officials in Alabama, Maryland and Virginia filed charges. Washington State is also considering filing charges after linking the suspects to a murder in Tacoma. This prompted officials in the Caribbean island of Antigua to file charges which alerted Jamaican officials to investigate Muhammed and Malvo. After realizing that Malvo had vacationed once on the U.S. Virgin Island of St. Thomas, officials there are deciding whether to file charges.

Upon hearing this, a little known prosecutor in Turkmenistan is determined to file charges. The prosecutor stated, "We probably don't have jurisdiction but what the hell? Everybody else is doing it".

Now it appears that countries around the world, excluding France, can't file charges fast enough against the Beltway snipers.

When reached for comment regarding this latest development, President Bush stated, "I'm pleased with the coalition we've built against the snipers. I have always been on the side of multilateralism. Now, excuse me, I'm off to go sign the Kyoto Treaty and then join the International Criminal Court".

Comments-[ comments.]

More Lileks

I'm sorry to keep quoting him but I do it for anybody who doesn't read him every day. If you don't, you will be a poorer human being for it.

So:

So we should live each day as if it's our last? No. Another cliché. You can't live each day that way; you'd spend the last six hours of the day hugging your kids and weeping.

And:

Of course you should value life. Of course each day is precious. But don't feel guilty because you spent the day working instead of sitting in a spare room drawing flower petals around your navel. What counts is what you do, not how long you get to do it. Don't try to live your life grateful for every moment; you'll fail. Live your life so others are grateful for the moments they had with you.

That's not the main goal, but if you get that one right you'll get just about everything else right, as well.


Is it possible to make your readers laugh so hard that stuff shoots out of their noses - and be profound?

Yes. And he manages to do it every day. If that sounds like it verges on worship, well, there's no verge about it.

There, I admit it.

Comments-[ comments.]

51 States

Lileks on Mondale and the '84 election:

I was a hardcore Democrat at the time, and I remember watching the speech and thinking: we are going to lose. We are going to lose 51 states. Puerto Rico will demand statehood just for the chance not to vote for this guy.

Why can't I write like that.

And let's hope Minnesota Democrats feel the same way today.

Comments-[ comments.]

And One More

The Bloghard Drive: This modified hard drive is designed specifically for bloggers and those who can't leave their computers. It comes in 4 prototypes - each complete with a food dispenser and a beverage dispenser:

Vodka/Cheetos Drive, Scotch/Fritos Drive, Bourbon/Cashew drive and a Coffee/pop-tart drive.

Your welcome.

Comments-[ comments.]

Of Nuclear Cats And Chicken Goggles

I came across this over at BBC News and realized I do have a few inventions to share:

The French Detector: This is similiar to the common smoke detector except it detects those visible waves of Pepe LePew-like fumes that waft off a French person as he enters a room.

The Bullshit Detector: Oh, nevermind. That would be Rachel Lucas.

Michael Moore Repellent: A spray that, when applied, detects hot air emanating from severly obese blowhards and instantly deflates Porky's ego. Also works on Gore Vidal, Edward Said, Noam Chomsky and Barbra Streisand. This unique product will go by the name Piss Off. Look for it at a college campus near you!

I would like the cat launcher though. 4:30 this morning we abruptly awoke to the crashing sound of a fallen table - complete with picture frames, candles, lamps and a plant with flying dirt.

6AM - stepped in cat puke.

And not a nuclear kitty device in sight. Sigh.

Comments-[ comments.]

Grab It With A Tweezer

A recent study (which we can't link to because we don't bother to do research) has revealed that British men believe their penises are too small (they also aren't crazy about their teeth but that is an entirely different study).

Note to self: Start an orthodontia practice in London.

In a related story, French men are concerned that their surrender glands are too large.

Comments-[ comments.]

Monday, October 28, 2002

And...Mail

Dear B.I.,

Some of your posts are stupid and inane. Care to comment?

Love,

Mom


Mom,

Right. Here's my comment - scroll to the top.

B.I.

Comments-[ comments.]

Daily Astonishment

Holy ball sweat, Batman!! Daily Pundit linked me!!!

And I didn't even have to beg!


And all's right with the world.

Comments-[ comments.]

Moronic Acid

Bwahahaha...choke, sniffle...guffaw.

Sheesh.

(Wipe snot off screen)

Comments-[ comments.]

Senate Passes 'Sorrow Resolution' - Three Arrested In Violation

"[Senator Mark] Dayton and three other Democratic senators gathered on the Senate floor to eulogize Wellstone and approve a resolution expressing the Senate's 'profound sorrow and deep regret' on the deaths of Wellstone, his wife and daughter, three staff members and two pilots in the crash."

Minutes later, three men were arrested for violating the resolution. The three were overheard crticizing Wellstone's liberal politics and not expressing the required sorrow. When interviewed, one of the suspects said, "I said I was pretty sad about the Senator's death but the police determined that it wasn't sufficiently sorrowful. If I had said I was 'deeply saddened', 'truly grieving', 'stupid mad sick about it' or 'full of sorrowful sadness' they would have left me alone.

Violaters of the resolution could recieve sensitivity training including a class on 'The Joy of Sorrow'. They may also be forced to listen to all of Ted Kennedy's speeches from 1973 to 1979.



Comments-[ comments.]

On The Fritz

One more thing about Walter Mondale. I was only a wee one during the Carter/Mondale years but I vividly remember sitting in gas lines for over an hour before Dad dropped me off for school. I remember because I had to get up earlier. Jimmy Carter was directly affecting my sleep.

I also vividly remember my Dad bitching about credit card-like mortgage rates. But the main thing I remember is the hostage crisis. It took 444 days to get them released!!!

Again, I was young (15-16) but I remember thinking - I thought America was the most powerful nation in the world? Why don't we just go get them? Why doesn't the President do something??? Well, now I know - because that is what liberals do - nothing. Oh, they talk a lot. Negotiate. Pass resolutions. Fat lot of good it did for the hostages.

I don't care that he won a Nobel Prize or that the New York Times thinks he is the greatest thing since recycled paper - as a statesman, Jimmy Carter is a failure.

And so is Walter Mondale.

Comments-[ comments.]

Ladies and Gentlemen - Senator Hippy McPothead

Jonah Goldberg reports that this guy is running for Senator.

Dude!

I apologize in advance for harshin' "digger's" mellow.

Comments-[ comments.]

A Small Victory

Go visit Michele over at a A Small Victory. She's funnier and smarter than me.

Damn, I hate when that happens.

Comments-[ comments.]

Trading Spaces

Happy Fun Pundit has moved. HFP notes:

There will be more changes around here in the next few days. I'm hankerin' for a re-design. Maybe we'll get our next-door neighbor web site to come in and decorate the place in some godawful olive 60's retro look, while we go over and make their web site look like it was ravaged by a band of rabid cappucin monkeys.

Comments-[ comments.]

Old Dems

It appears that Walter Mondale will replace Paul Wellstone which is hard to believe but I guess the natural choice. So now we have really old guy, Frank Lautenberg running in New Jersey and Mr. Ancient History, Walter Mondale in Minnesota. Interesting.

Also, I was going to make a stupid joke about digging up Hubert Humphrey but it turns out I was almost right. Another possible consideration to replace Wellstone was Humphrey's son, Skip. Go figure.

I was going to write more about Wellstone's death - he was wrong about almost everything, etc., but James Lileks does it so much better.

Comments-[ comments.]

Sunday, October 27, 2002

Bloody Good

The wife and I had quite the romantic evening last night. Clicking around Dish TV we found Dead-Alive , a hilarious romantic comedy with a whole lotta blood. We laughed and winced all while the vomit slowly made it's way into our throats.

It contained sceens such as: Sex between two zombies resulting in the creation of a zombie baby (the same day said act took place - apparently zombie pregnancies last only a few hours. See, we learned stuff too). Zombie baby eventually ends up in a blender. The hero kills (?) dozens of zombies with a lawnmower. Splatter-fest doesn't begin to describe this movie. Most of the budget was spent on fake blood. In one scene, the hero, attempting to flee several zombies, is, comically running in place because of all the blood on the floor. We're talking a lot of blood.

In another scene, the hero hacks up a zombie into mostly little pieces only to be attacked by the zombie's intestines which, before wrapping itself around his leg - ready?

It farts. Classic.

And finally - the hero ends up back in his zombie mother's bloody womb only to be excreted out in a buttload of bloody, gooey afterbirth. Yummy! And all this amidst a tender love story!!!

Me and wife give it two severed thumbs up! (har - har!)

You have got to see this film.

Comments-[ comments.]

Sunday Paper

Read the Backfence.

Comments-[ comments.]
eXTReMe Tracker