Saturday, November 09, 2002

Is This Against The Rules?

If this is against Bloglaw, I'll delete the post but it's so good, I want it on my site. I just shot fried bologna out of my nose into Al's hair and peed myself at the same time. A first!! And now, from The Emporer:

A Few of My Favorite Things
Somebody please stop me before I do it again...

Frenchmen in dunce caps and Democrats crying,
Squadrons of B-fifty-twos proudly flying,
A blindfolded sand crab at Gitmo that sings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

A scared shitless Schroder that chokes on his Strudel,
A pic of Saddam being shot in the noodle,
Missiles that streak from our jetfighters' wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Arafat bleeding from deep painful gashes,
Splodeydopes sentenced to two hundred lashes,
Islamofucks dying while Freedom's bell rings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When my car stalls,
When my stock falls,
When my toothache's back.
I simply remember I'm one lucky fuck
To not wake up in Iraq!

(repeat ad nauseam...)

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Sopranos For Peace

You can't make this stuff up. There was a big anti-war rally in Italy today. Here are pieces from the Fox News story:

Demonstrators marched through Florence in a carnival-like protest Saturday against a possible war in Iraq and globalization.

Come on, guys. Focus. Which is it?

Demonstrators -- some dressed as clowns...


-- ate as they walked or coasted along the route on inline skates...

Compare and contrast:

nasty old globalization, capitalism...

as they ate on inline skates...

Do they even realize...nevermind.

Protesters said they were motivated by opposition to a war in Iraq and the influence of multinational corporations, which they see as harmful to the environment and the poor.

And free Mumia, abolish the death penalty, eat the rich, save the whales, blah-blah, blah-blah.

I saw David Cross the other night on Conan and he said he attended the anti-war protest in Washington. I think he's really friggin' funny but I immediately thought, 'oh no, not him too'. Then he went on to say that, yeah, he's against the war but he couldn't stand the jerks who attended the protest. There were free mumia signs (I refuse to capitalize his name), and the standard aging hippies with floppy breasts. Cross said, and I'm paraphrasing, 'Jesus, shave your armpits, put on a bra, cut your hair and by the way, this is a protest against the war. Forget mumia and globalization. Come on people, dress like the people you're protesting against or you won't be taken seriously'. He was disgusted by the whole thing. See, difference of opinion. We can agree to disagree about going to war but be reasonable. I at least respect David Cross now. If David Cross thought the protest was a joke and he's against the war, well, you get the picture.

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Nobody Cares Assface

If you Google Clinton McBride Bice Woman, I come up second. I'm proud of that.

Who gives a weasel's weenie?

Right. I guess just me. Sorry.

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Elephants and Doggies

My Father-In Law (almost called him my Grandfather - he's not that old - it only seems that way), bought a dog as a result of Tuesday's election results. So a cute little doggie has a home thanks to Republicans. Contrary to popular belief, we don't kick puppies. We kick the crap out of Democrats. Speaking of that, I would have given my left nut to have been in Barbra Streisand's living room with her Tuesday night. And I'm only half kidding.

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Back To You

Jason has a second blog - Thunder Blog. Jeez, I can barely do one. Also, Beaker's Corner linked me. Thanks, Beak. Go check them out.

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Smack Down

Here's the first thing I read when I logged onto Compuserve - Woman Attacks Toddler With Heroin Syringe. I was having a pretty good day up to that point. Jesus. She got a year in jail. One year! We might want to move more towards Islam when it comes to stuff like this. Maybe lop off both her arms. Works for me. Sorry, when it comes to stuff like rape (immediate castration and or death), and plunging heroin needles into children - you lose.

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If you Google French, rectal and goblins - you get this as # 2:

... Bitch Infection, Misogynist Pussyslasher, SMES, Analscope Rectal Speculum, Decomposing
Serenity ... we're on the subject of Goblin, everyone check ... Italy or France. ...

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Friday, November 08, 2002

Life's Been Good

I just saw Joe Walsh on Comedy Central and, after Ozzifying himself through a sentence, said, "It's hard to meditate on amphetamines". So if you thought this site was all about political analysis...

Uh, Bill - nobody ever thought that. Whatever gave you the idea that people came here for that?

I meant political satire...

Nope. Don't even try it. It's mostly crap and some bologna recipes. (I've been dying to link myself)

It was one friggin' Bologna recipe and it was funny.

What the hell was your original point?

I don't even know anymore, Voice. And I would appreciate it if you would shut up.

You were talking about Joe Walsh and his comment about don't meditate on amphetamines.

Right. Well, I'm not just a politi....satiric...uh, blog. I also give advice about stuff like not amphetamizing your meditation or meditating on your amphetamization. We try to provide a public service here and if the voices in my head would just shut up long enough, particularly you, Ron, we could continue on that road.

Goddamn voices.

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Not That You Care But...

So Blogger's down most of the day and I decide to switch to Movable Type. I'm working on that but in the meantime can I view my Blogger page? No. After 10 minutes it comes up and I check my counter. Nothing. Can anything work - ever? I couldn't log onto Compuserve (shut up all of you, I'll explain) because it more than sucks. When we got the laptop it came with like a $500 rebate if you signed on to Compuserve for roughly the rest of your life. Kids, if anyone ever offers you a deal like this, run for your lives. If they offer you $10,000 and a kidney if you ever need one - decline. I used to laugh at AOL - ha ha. Well, AOL is like a Mercedes next to the AMC Pacer of Compuserve. Just pulling up Blogger on Compuserve is a nightmare. Computer crashes every third time. And the post page on Blogger looks like a Picasso painting. AOL now owns Compuserve I think. But they don't talk to each other - the companies, I mean. And, you want pop-ups? Holy freakin' Jeebus! Compuserve has got video game-like pop-ups where you can't shoot them down fast enough. I'm serious, it's impossible. You always lose. Pop, pop, pop, click, pop, pop, click...please play again.

So my point is - I hate Blogger, Toshiba, AOL, Compuserve and Blogger. I also hate Blogger. Although you may never know because I may not be able get this message to you. I'm entering safe mode - say a prayer.

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More Comments

Keith, on Matt and Trey:

I have always admired them for their stance on film school. "We quit film school because we didn't want to make black and white short films about lesbians."

Thank you, Keith. It's readers like you who allow me not to actually do any writing but still have a blog. Keep 'em coming.

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Back On The Chain Gang

Sorry about the almost non-exisitent posting today but between Blogger being down and all the error messages I've been getting when I try to post (error 103 - when I ask Bogger what error 103 is, it says it doesn't have an error 103, whatever). Also, I'm in the process of switching over to Movable Type as I said. Plus, I do have an actual job which my boss insists I show up for, like everyday. The nerve of some people. So that's the story. I'll be posting something later hopefully from MT but if not, then Blogger (I keep typing Blooger. What could that mean?). Hopefully for the last time.

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I'm Moving

I've had it with Blogger. I should've listened to Rachel weeks ago. So, I'm moving to Movable Type with the help of Rachel. If you don't know it already, she is absolutely wonderful and has already helped me tremendously. Thank you, Rach.

Also, just got an e-mail from Michele and I will be receiving my VRWC card tonight. Thank you, Michele - you are also wonderful. Man, I got e-mails from Rachel and Michele in one day. How cool is that. You guys are both great.

Don't be jealous, Alice - you are my only true love.

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Who Knew

South Park creators, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, are Republicans. I should've known.

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Thursday, November 07, 2002

Or - When Democrats Get Depressed

Here's something from Democratic Undergroud, which isn't so underground thanks to Jason.

Tuesday's horridness seems to have shoved me back down the big gaping hole of clinical depression. It's still a bit early yet to actually make that diagnosis but having been there twice before I certainly recognize the feelings coming on. If you've ever been there yourself you know what I mean.

Translation: I've been here before. Newt Gingrich, LSD - Trent Lott, Ecstasy - Ken Starr, Hash. Now Norm Coleman!! Anybody at D.U. have any suggestions?

I'm currently on Prozac but Tuesday seems to have negated any benefit the drug had. Anyway, all this is leading to a question ....

Translation: Thanks, dude. That was exactly what I was looking for but then Jeb Bush harshed my happy.

For those of you that have gone through clinical depression or even depression not quite that severe, has it ever been caused by purely political events? If so have you gotten counseling for it? Is depression caused by something as mundane as a political loss a legitimate reason to seek counseling? I mean what can the shrink possibly do or say to lift you out of the hole? Won't they laugh you right out of the office?

Yeah, and you have worse problems than depression. Let me lift you out of the hole. Grab your thumb and pull.

For those of you that have never been depressed please don't respond with admonitions to "buck up", "get off your ass and do something about it" or similar platitudes. They just don't work.

Work is hard! Life is hard! Can't anybody at D.U. make it easier? Can anybody make Paul Wellstone come back to life. What are you people doing over there? Well, I have to take my meds and look for the "platitudes". They appear when I sleep. Ah, The Platitudes...

Anyway, any info on similar experiences and what you did to scratch and claw your way out of the deep dark pit would be appreciated.

The gerbils are scratching and clawing their way out of the deep dark pit that is your ass, Bob D.

Pull out the thumb and let the gerbils out. That is your problem.

Thanks in Advance,

Bob D.

No, thank you, Bob D., for letting the rest of us know what a bunch of sniveling, whining, victims you people are.

You single-handedly have proven our point. Jeez, I thought you were losers on Tuesday.

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Enough With The Bologna Already

Dear Bill,

Your last post wasn't that funny.



Dear Bob,

Yeah well, you don't have bologna in your shoes.

Porksnoutily yours,


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More Fried Bologna

OK, I ate this growing up and it's really good. Keep in mind, this is from a guy who grew up in Newark, N.J.

Tim, who I don't know but already love, writes this about the fried bologna sandwich:

This is for people who think a regular bologna sandwich is just too healthy...

I almost made this last night except my wife insisted I make something "reasonable", so I made pasta with garlic and broccoli. I suggested adding bologna "just to see" and she didn't care for the idea. Actually, she gave me "the look". And this is a woman who grew up in Toronto and ate bologna sandwiches where the bologna was not pre-sliced, but bought in bowling ball size bulk by Grandpa and sliced to perfect 1/2 inch (32.5 meter) slices, and placed on homemade 2 inch (37 monograms) slices of bread. This was a huge 6 inch (12 kilometer) sandwich. Barely manageable for a 6 year old. All the other kids had little, normal ham and cheese sandwiches. She's scarred to this day by those sandwiches.

But then she met me and I introduced her to fried bologna sandwiches....

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Fried Bologna

I'm not really feeling funny today so I'm taking Steve Martin's advice and I'm going to stick a slice of bologna in each shoe...

Hang on.

There. That should do it. Be right back with something funny.

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The Canadian Government Hates It's Military

Canadian pilots are flying 40 year old helicopters because Jean Chretien was using funds geared for new ones for welfare for illegal immigrant terrorists.

Obviously, the pilots were a little upset since 12 out of 41 of them have crashed. So they created some fake posters to protest Chretien's failure to replace them. One read, "Why ask your grandfather what it was like? Find out yourself!"

The previous Government had approved $3 billion for new ones but Chretien said they were too expensive. Chretien said that not only do they not need new equipment, they don't even need a military, saying, "The stupid Americans will defend us".

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No, Mr. President, I Don't Wanna Touch It

Bill Clinton, ever the sleazebag, tried to pick up a 24 year women at Bice in Palm Beach while campaigning for Bill McBride last week. And she was with a date. The date reportedly was not happy. He even had McBride go over to get her.

McBride invited her over to Clinton's table for a drink because he said someone wanted to meet her. He then said that there was also something under Clinton's table that he would like her to taste. When asked for comment, Clinton said he was lonely and hadn't seen Hillary since they left the White House adding, "plus I think she's a dyke".

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Uh, Oh

No, this isn't a Dave Barry article (but this is). I have a theory about the exploding razors - those wacky islamofascists, unable to get us to convert to the religion of peace, have decided that at the very least they can stop us from shaving. You know, the whole long beard thing. Baby steps. First the beards, then the burkas and finally religion.

I don't think I'll be shaving for a while.

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Bloviating Inanities Praised By Happy Fun Pundit!

Here's what Happy Fun Pundit had to say about me on election day:

Then there are the hobbyists. That would be almost everyone reading this blog. To them, politics is simply interesting. We all spend FAR more time talking politics and engaging in the political process than any strictly personal cost-benefit analysis would suggest is 'logical'.

He's not talking about you specifically, you moron.

Shut up. I can think whatever I want, damnit! He is to talking about me. Me, me , me!

He goes on to say - get this:

So in good times, in a stable democracy, the people who vote are not motivated by pure self-interest. Instead, they are people who have a sense of civic duty, which includes paying attention to the issues.

Pretty good, huh? But it gets better. He then calls me a - ready? - wonk. As in policy wonk. Look:

And you have the wonks like us, for whom politics is both a spectator sport and a reflection of our personal philosophy.

You idiot - he's not talking about you personally!!!

Shut up! I'm not fingers are in my ears...Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.......

Uh, they can't be in your ears because you're typing.

What a jackass...

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Tom Daschle - Not Happy, No Fun

From Happy Fun Pundit.

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Wednesday, November 06, 2002

Matlin v. Carville

So here's what I imagine last night to be like at the Carville home:

Mary: Well James, shit happens. Come on let's go to bed.

James: Nah, I'n goin' stay up. It'll change. Caan't be righ'.

Mary: James...wanna do it? Come on?

James: Nah, I'm not in'a mood, Mahr.

Mary: Come on, you know you want some of this.

James: Nah, I got a headayy.

Mary: Speaking of heads, that wastebasket kind of turned me on.

James: Ahh, shu'up.

Mary: No, seriously. It did it for me. You with a garbage can on your head was really sexy, James.

James: Mary, if you make a 'you'ah two-baggah joke, I sweah, I'h hitcha!

I hate flies but man, if only.

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Sexe Pendant Le Temps de Guerre

Leave it to the French . The have muslims burning Synagogues, rampant anti-Semitism, high crime rates, they're against the war on terror and to top it off they're French - and what do they do - crack down on prostitution.

French Government: Well, yeah. I guess the terrorists are kind of bad. But have you seen the prostitutes?? Look at them out there with their short skirts and...and...their hair! Some of them could have diseases! You could get syphillis, for God's sake! And have you seen their breasts? Someone could put an eye out with those things. My God, if you Parisian men need to have sex that bad, get a mistress like the rest of us!

And if that doesn't stress how stupid the French are, one prostitute said this, "This law won't allow us to work. What do they want me to do? I don't know how to do anything else".

Really? The only thing you know how to do is lie on your back and get humped like a dog? Here's an idea - go take a bath and pick up a newspaper. Surely, you'll find something.

These people never cease to amaze me.

Here's the French translation of the above post in hopes that a surrender monkey might wander over and read it. They think they hate us? Eat this, monkey-boy!

Sexe Pendant Le Temps De Guerre

Laissez-le soin au Français. Les musulmans d'brûlant Synagogues, anti-Semitism effréné, taux élevés de crime, ils sont contre la guerre sur la terreur et pour la compléter ils sont éteints français - et ce qui elles - fendent vers le bas sur la prostitution.

Gouvernement Français: Bien, ouais. Je devine les terroristes suis genre de mauvais. Mais avez-vous vu les prostituées?? Regardez-les dehors là avec leurs jupes courtes et... et... leurs cheveux! Certains d'entre elles ont pu avoir les maladies! Vous pourriez obtenir des syphillis, dans l'intéret de Dieu! Et avez-vous vu leurs seins? Quelqu'un pourrait eteindre un oeil avec ces choses. Mon Dieu, si vous les hommes parisiens devez avoir le sexe qui le mauvais, obtiennent une maîtresse comme le reste de nous!

Et si cela ne soumet pas à une contrainte comment stupide les Français sont, une prostituée dite ceci, "cette loi ne nous permettra pas de travailler. Queest-ce que veulent-elles que je fasse? Je ne sais pas à faites toute autre chose ".

Vraiment? La seule chose vous savez à est le mensonge sur votre dos et obtenez humped comme un chien? Voici une idée - disparaissent la prise un bain et prennent un journal. Sûrement, vous trouverez quelque chose.

Ces personnes ne cessent jamais de me stupéfier.

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Michele critiques her election night coverage:

Well, my election night coverage has sucked and I'm sorry for that. I was distracted by the margaritas and Justin's constant suggestion that my urge to smoke could be cured by just "putting something else" in my mouth.

My election coverage hasn't been the only thing that sucked tonight.

I'm giving up the tequila for a while. This post may disappear in the morning when I get up and say "holy shit, did I write that?"

Oh, no it won't Michele. Not unless you ask nicely and send along my VRWC card. No picture needed.

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B.I. Bill

Since a bunch of bloggers have stores and are selling mugs and t-shirts, I'm starting my store but it will have B.I. Bill dolls. Here's the prototype - it's me in St. Thomas USVI with some friends. I'm the white guy. The blonde is my wife.

I'm pretty sure B.I. Bill can kick Ken's ass but I'm not so sure about Gangsta Bitch Barbie.

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Bush The Younger

My buddy Steven, who thinks Bush is the King, has been oddly quiet today. I e-mailed him this:

Dear Steven,

The people have spoken.

And they love the new King.

Warmest regards from the new regime,


And I haven't heard back from him. I'm sorry I was mean to you yesterday, Steven. For some reason, I'm in a much better mood today.

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For my 2 readers in St. Louis, go see Secret Cajun Band this Staurday at Blueberry Hill. It's located in U. City Loop at 6504 Delmar, St. Louis, Missouri (314) 727-0880. You won't be sorry. They kick. ass. I promise.

Don't believe me? Buy the CD.

Thanks for the heads up, Carolyn.

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Raspberry Beret

A big spittle-ridden raspberry goes out to Democrats everywhere. Spittle-ridden Rasberries is also an excellent name for a rock band but that's not my point. Lileks speaks on being anal-retentive (pay attention, Lisa):

In fact I’ve set myself up to experience the joys of chaos, the giddy glee of randomness: I bought two sets of drinking glasses, one adorned with 1940s French produce labels, the other painted with 1950s independent milk company bottle tops. Arrayed together in the cupboard, they look great. But when you remove one or two, well, it spoils the effect. And as luck has it, they're being used. I’d come down in the morning, and my wife would be drinking from one of the glasses.

“Oh! You’re . . . using it.”

(Blank look) “Isn’t that the point of having them?”

“Sure, sure! They could get broken in the dishwasher, is all I’m saying. I mean for drinking water, you could cup your hands under the faucet. If you were in a hurry and didn’t want to get a glass down and worry about, say, dropping it.”

“And what should I do for the milk? Lap it from a bowl?”

“Well, no! Hah hah! You can drink from the carton, though. I do.”

“Which is why we all got the stomach flu.”

“Yes, but look at those glasses! Aren’t they cool? When they’re all clean and together up there on the shelf?”

(Rolled eyes)

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And Katie Couric Wept

A few bleary-eyed thoughts the morning after...

- Bush to Democrats: Who's my bitch?

- Clinton's visit to Florida helped win it for Jeb. Jeb wins Florida - a huge poke in the eye for Terry McAuliffe, Al Gore, et. al.

- Terry McAuliffe will be fired, er, I mean he will resign.

- Adding insult to injury, Kathleen Harris also won in Florida. Ouch!

- More insults to worse injuries - A Republican Governor won in Tom Daschle's home State. Republican John Thune will likely win the Senate race and a Republican has won at least one House seat. What does that say about Daschle? Draw your own conclusions.

- A Kennedy lost. Nuff said.

- Norm Coleman is beating Fritz. Hope you had fun at the "memorial service" 'cause the party's over.

- I haven't been this happy since the day I married the prettiest, most wonderful girl on the planet.

- To New Jersey: You got what you deserved. I hope you choke on it. Hear that, Karen and Fred?

- To Karen and Fred who are from New Jersey: There will be a war. It will be short. We will win. Don't worry - we conservatives will protect you pussified know-nothing cretins. Love, me

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Tuesday, November 05, 2002

Ugh. Yeah! Ugh. Yeah! Ugh...

Tomorrow, between the vodka and lack of sleep, I will feel like an already lethargic person who was force-fed valium by a guy who follows me around beating me with a wet towel.

But if Republicans continue to win, I will be a lethargically, valium-riddled, wet-towel beaten happy person.

Again, and I can't stress this enough, I am cautiously, drunkenly, optimistic.

Good Night.

New Jersey - please go to hell.

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Dead Kennedys

Sure you can shoot 'em but can you beat 'em in a Governor's race. Well yes. Kathleen Kennedy Townsend has lost.

And no Steve, I don't know where the line is.

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Contain Yourself - It's Still Early

I'm not predisposed to giggling but I almost can't help myself. I just saw Tom Dashle assure victory as he held back the tears. North Carolina, New Hampshire, Georgia. We'll see. If you want comprehensive, drunken election coverage, visit Michele over at
A Possibly Huge Victory.

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So who do I have to blow around here to get a VWRC card?

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Are You Ready For Some...

Politics? This is too much fun. Yes, it's better than the Superbowl. Shame on you if you don't vote or follow this stuff. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir.

So, here's what's going on: Jeb won or is winning but George has already called to congratulate the Jebster so draw your own conclusions. New Jersyans continue to disappoint, stupid bastards that they are. Harvey Pitt resigned - on election day? And a bunch of other stuff. But no one's going out on a limb because it's - all together now - too close to call.

So Bill, what are your predictions?

I'm cautiously optimistic.

You suck.

Right. I'll continue my election coverage until I get tired which will be in about 20 minutes so stay tuned!

Oh, and Nancy Spannaus is behind 84 - 10 here in Virginia . I did predict that. So shut up.

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So, It's Not Magic Then?

If you are mostly an idiot when it comes to the economy like me, Stephen Green has a quick, informative and humorous primer on Inflation vs. Deflation. And it's not even boring.

[Start dream sequence]

Imagine you are Crazy Al Greenspan...

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We Get Real Mail

Okay, I don't know who this moron is but Steven writes:

The real reason I am utilizing the power of the internet today is to send a gentle admonishment to you, my caring friends. Please make sure you get out and VOTE today! Even though nothing we can do today will prevent King Bush the Younger from presiding over our country for another two years, we can still send him a message - loud and clear - telling him how we feel about his policies. And we do this by voting our own particular conscience each and every Election Day.

At stake today are all 435 seats in the House of Representatives, 34 of the 100 seats in the Senate and 36 governorships.

Remember: regime change begins at home!


So I had to write him back:

Dear Steve,

I don't know who you are, but fuck you and your assinine politics, you know-nothing, rectal goblin. And stop e-mailing me.


Bill Cimino

P.S. I have a website you might want to visit. It'll help you get a clue.

Sure, it was ad hominem but Christ, if the guy thinks Bush is King, there's no talking to him. Jerk.

And Steven, if you don't want me putting the crap you write on the internet, stop e-mailing me.

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is possibly the funniest blogger out there. Consider this headline:

Jiang Zemin Decides Hu Will Lead, and Wen

Go read him.

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You've Got Has-beens

Frank Lautenberg, then Walter Mondale and now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

Mr. Gary "I'll have Rice with that" Hart.

Read it and guffaw.

It makes sense. The Dems have no real leadership to speak of and Bill Clinton got away with exactly what ruined Hart's nomination in 1988. Will Democrats and other Idiot-Americans take him seriously? Do you really have to ask?

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Spannaus Update

Yesterday, I talked about LaRouche Democrat Nancy Spannaus. Well, I was reading a little about her and here is what I found out:

Though she calls herself a Democrat, state and national Democratic leaders have repudiated her and LaRouche repeatedly.

Ouch! You have to be pretty bad if the Dems don't want anything to do with you. Hey, wait, I thought they were the party of inclusion?

In particular, Spannaus promotes a longstanding LaRouche plan for construction of a land bridge across the Bering Strait to link Alaska to Russia. The bridge would be the critical link in a series of international transportation corridors that would reach every continent except Anarctica.

A land bridge to Alaska?

Nancy Spannaus: Building A Land Bridge To Sillyville!

I also heard another ad of hers in which the ominous voice of loony whackjob, Lyndon LaRouche talks about how we are in a worldwide depression never seen in the history of the world. Does Mr. LaRouche live in Bangladesh and doesn't get out much? The ad ends with Spannaus saying 'vote for me and end the depression'. Well, I can see it now - as soon as she's elected, which thankfully won't happen, she can say - 'look, the depression's over! Mainly because there was none.

Note to Nancy Spannaus: Lose LaRouche - crawl back in hole.

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I'm Sorry - Can You Repeat That

Running for Congress for the Green Party in my State of Virginia is Disamodha Marasinghe. I can only imagine the slogans:

A vote for Disamodha Marasinghe is a vote for sadlfwefkdvcksamfref and fdzxirfmkfgjlergllerg also kerfluffle.

That last part was the easiest thing I've ever written.


A Chakra in every pot!

Marasinghe: Substance not bling-bling.

Now before you go and call me a rascist, let me just say - bite me.

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Fighting Big Cereal

In a post yesterday, I announced my candidacy for Senate and stated my platform which is - I am cuckoo for Coco Puffs. I also promised reader, Lisa, that I would fight big cereal (see my comments section), so imagine my surprise when I read this over at the Back Fence on politicians who will fight for (insert cause here):

Here's how the "fight" usually works.

Congressperson A: "So, I need your vote on this bill to redefine Lucky Charms marshmallows as 'Food-dyed sugar delivery systems.' "

Congressperson B: "Sure, if you'll vote for my bill to give free heartworm pills to dogs over 9 years old."

A: (Shrug) "OK."

And the ad campaign says He fought Big Cereal! He stood up to the Veterinarian-Industrial complex and fought for the rights of senior dogs! He'll fight for Minnesota, too, and fight anyone who fights his fights for Minnesota! Paid for by the Commission to Fight to Have Fightin' Frank Pujilzst Re-Elected -- so he can fight!

So my point is - A vote for me is a vote for, uh, something. And don't change Coco Puffs in midspleen. Also - Ask me about my weasel!

And since I think voter turnout will hurt my chances of election, I'm hoping you people will stay away from the polls in droves.

Thank you for your continued apathy!

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Democrat Steals, Then Lies - Officials Shocked

Pennsylvania State Representative Thomas Caltagirone, caught in a scenario uncharacteristic for a Democrat, stole his Republican opponent's signs off of a neighbor's lawn and then lied about it. The theft was caught on video by a campaign worker of Republican opponent, Francis Acosta.

When asked for comment, Caltagirone said, "I thought they were, uh, er, pumpkins! Yeah, that's the ticket - pumpkins!" Police are investigating whether the signs could possibly be mistaken for pumpkins.

State officials were shocked to learn that a Democrat could actually cheat, steal and lie. One official stated, "Sure, we had Clinton lie about the Lewinsky thing, cheat on his wife, lie under oath and lie to the American people, then Al Gore lied about fundraising at a temple, the whole Florida thing when we tried to steal the election, oh, and New Jersey when we cheated by replacing Torricelli (he then paused to take a breath), and then that, uh...funeral for Wellstone but really, we are just appalled by this lastest sign stealing! Democrats just don't do that sort of thing".

If convicted, Caltagirone could, ironically, receive a caning from Acosta using the very same signs stolen by Caltagirone.

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Oh, Look, A Coffee Tray On My PC!

James Lileks has this to say about Fritz Mondale and technology:

I’m not saying Coleman is a bulwark against this scenario - only that Mondale obviously hasn’t a clue. When it comes to the computer, to the Internet, he’s truly Grandpa, the guy who thinks he broke the machine when he accidentally minimized a window.

Technology issues will come up in his six years on the hill (assuming he lasts that long), and I don't think I want him deciding stuff that he obviously has no clue about and will directly affect me. But then that's what this election is all about isn't it.

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Mikey Had A Little Lamb

U.S. scientists are studying gay sheep - rams that exclusively mate with other rams and completely shun females. This may shed some light on human sexuality. The researchers noted that while there is no difference in testostorone levels in either sheep or humans, gay sheep and humans may have different brain structures.

When reached for comment on his Neverland ranch, Michael Jackson stated, "This may be news to researchers but I've known about it for a long time. Why do you think I have this ranch?". He added, "I don't just sodomize little boys, ya know".

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Monday, November 04, 2002

Lyndon LaRouche Is Alive And Well

I just heard a radio ad from a wannabe Senator, Nancy Spannaus who called herself a 'LaRouche Democrat'. I had no idea this guy was still around. And people are using his name and thinking this will help.

In both the ads I heard, LaRouche made a little speech. In the first, he mentioned the economic end of the world if we don't go back to the policies of FDR. In the second, only he could solve the world's crises, specifically in the mideast. Then Spannaus comes on and says something like, 'Are you sane enough to vote for a LaRouche Democrat (and then you hear Woody Woodpecker laughter in the background - I'm kidding but there should be).

So, even though it's only a day before the election, I am officially announcing my candidacy for Senate. I am a Carrot Top Democrat that believes we should return to the policies of Bob my neighbor. My platform consists of this: I am cuckoo for Coco Puffs.

Here's my slogan: I'm not as crazy as Nancy Spannaus.

Thank you for your support.

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Republicans Diss Bush In Favor of Clinton

Following former President Bill Clinton's arrival in Florida to stump for Democrat Bill McBride, Jeb Bush's poll numbers shot up. He is now leading McBride by as much as 8 points to as many as 15 points in some polls. Upon hearing this, Republican strategists in Minnesota, Arkansas and other key states with close races, have asked Clinton to come to their state to energize the Republican base. Said one strategist, "We really appreciate what Bush has done for many of our candidates but frankly, Clinton really stirs emotions in Republican voters. There's just something about him". He went on to say that this frees up the President to campaign in other close races in other states.

In a related story, Republican strategists are also trying to enlist Jesse Jackson, James Carville, The Rev. Al Sharpton and Paul Begala to campaign for Walter Mondale in Minnesota.

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Say It Ain't So

Just watching MSNBC and saw Jimmy Buffet campaigning for Democrat Bill McBride in Florida. I don't know why I'm surprised except when I read 'A Pirate Looks At 50', he sounded very Libertarian. MSNBC called Buffet a huge Democratic fundraiser. Eccck. I felt the same when I heard James Taylor was stumpng for Gore.

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For God's Sake Do It For The Dog!!!

Vote for Happy Fun Pundit or the dog gets it!

I must say, I know I'm new, but not even a nomination?

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Oh, Canada

Jay Nordlinger gets a ton of Canadian mail from his last Impromptus and comments on them in his latest. Here's two:

Con: “F*** you, Jay. Please stay away from us. Far, far away.”

Pro: “I wish more of us Canadians found this embarrassing and unacceptable. Sadly, this once-great country has been dominated by liberal/socialist governments and bureaucracies for so long that most Canadians have lost their capacity to think critically. Anti-Americanism, once a mere reflection of our own national and cultural insecurity, has become reflexive, and meaner".

Notice how the America-hater is vulgar and abusive and the other is thoughtful and intelligent. That is increasingly becoming the difference between the left and the right.

I know I have at least two Canadian readers but everyone should go read Jay now.

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Streisand Can't Pull Head Out Of Ass - Swelling, Large Nose Blamed

Barbara Streisand, speaking from inside her own ass, continues to urge the 13 people who visit her website to vote for Democrats, citing the usual reasons.

One Beverly Hills proctologist used this analogy, "It's like putting on a wedding ring. It's easy to get on but over time your finger swells, or in this case Streisand's head, making it almost impossible to get off - or in her case - out", adding, "and that nose doesn't help".

Streisand has not sought medical attention because she doesn't believe it to be a problem although she acknowledges that she talks funny and feeding herself involves tubes.

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Pervert Criticizes Bush

I heard this on the Imus show this morning - They were reporting on Woody Allen, who criticized George Bush on the war against Iraq. Allen stated that, [Bush] "has no idea about anything". Upon hearing this, Imus' engineer Bernard McGirk said, "He knows enough not to pork his own kid".

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Sunday, November 03, 2002

Comedy Central Along With The U.S. Armed Forces Roast Saddam

Saddam Hussein announced in a recent interview that a U.S. attack would be no 'picnic'. He went on to say it would most likely be more like a 'pig roast' - if you substitute 'Iraqi' for the word 'pig' and 'roast' for the word 'roast'. Saddam said that since he is hosting the event, he would provide all the 'roastables' and cited his recent travel ban on Iraqi citizens who hoped to leave the country in order to miss the event.

He added laughingly, "However, it is BWOB! Oh, wait, that's right. We don't drink. I meant BYOPB. That's an old Iraqi joke meaning 'Bring Your Own Prayer Blanket' ". Hussein then said, "I've got 23,331,985 of 'em!"

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