Saturday, November 16, 2002


Those Wacky Canadians

More from News of the Weird...sorry, I can't help myself.

[A] middle-aged man...was let off with a warning for swerving across the road because his dog was licking his ear (and who, the officer discovered, was also shoeless, with banana peels wrapped around his feet, supposedly a remedy for bunions). [Toronto Star, 7-2-02]

What can you add to that.

Well, this. In my own weird news - on top of my three cats and the dog we are taking care of for my sister-in-law, my mother and father-in-law are spending the night and they're bringing their new puppy. That makes five animals. I've had four hours sleep.

Where's a loaded gun when you need it.

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Up To 60% off - No Money Down Until 2004!!!

LifeGem Memorials (Elk Grove Village, Ill.) announced in August that, using available technology, it can turn a loved one's cremated ashes into a diamond by pressing and heating the ashes to 5,400 degrees Fahrenheit. A chemistry professor cited by The New York Times agreed that the plan was sound; carbon from the ashes converts to graphite, which can be pressurized into a diamond. LifeGem prices start at $4,000 for a quarter-carat. [New York Times, 8-22-02]

LifeGem ad: Kill your spouse for $$$!!!

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And The War On Terror Rages On...And Other Way Important Stuff

More from the Weird Department:

...News From the Front Lines: ...[A]ccording to a June report in Lebanon Daily Star (via The Wall Street Journal), Israeli and Hezbollah forces on the Lebanese border, on stand-down from live ammunition, recently exchanged "fire" with a paint-gun blast, pingpong balls and eggs. [Wall Street Journal Online-Lebanon Daily Star, 6-26-02]

The verbal exchange wasn't much better...

Israeli guy: Oy! Enough with the eggs already!

Hezbollah guy: Ze eggs will continue to be coming forth, Mr. Jewish-Zionist-Pig-Dog!!

Israeli guy: Ouch! That one was boiled! No fair!



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Why God, Why?

From the Weird Department:

For an anniversary tribute to Sept. 11 victims, the city of Jersey City, N.J., planned to release a flock of doves at a downtown ceremony, but since officials waited until the last minute to order the doves, all suppliers were sold out. Jersey City wound up having to use pigeons (which had been caged most of their lives), and observers at the solemn ceremony were forced to witness the awkward birds smashing into office-building windows, plunging into the Hudson River and careening into the crowds. [New York Times, 9-19-02]

Mmmm. Pigeony goodness. Leave it to New Jersey...

...Meadow Lake [Hospital], in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, was sued in October by Rebecca Chinalquay, who charged that while she was in the delivery room in labor, all personnel had stepped out so that when little Tyler emerged, there was no one to help, and he slid off the gurney onto the floor. (He's OK now, but Chinalquay fears later-manifesting problems.) [Saskatchewan Star Phoenix, 10-27-02]

Keep in mind though, the healthcare in Canada is free. It cost absolutely nothing for little Tyler to slide off the table onto the floor and lay there suffocating in his slimy afterbirth!

Teamsters Local 988 opened its brand-new meeting hall in Houston in August, to unfavorable reviews by representatives of locals representing construction workers, plumbers, electricians and other trades. According to a Houston Chronicle report, the Teamsters had the hall built with nonunion labor because union work was too expensive. [Houston Chronicle, 8-10-02]

It doesn't get any better than that.

Bill Saintclair Patton, 45, was convicted of indecent exposure in Warren, Mich., in September, and sentenced to 90 days in jail; he was the subject of neighbors' complaints after he appeared nude in his back yard and used a pumpkin to sexually gratify himself. And Ross Watt, 33, was convicted of disorderly conduct in Edinburgh, Scotland, in October after witnesses and police testified that he rolled around on the ground, simulating sexual intercourse with an orange and white traffic cone. [Macomb Daily, 9-27-02] [The Scotsman, 10-16-02]

There's just something about the color orange...

As News of the Weird has reported, sometimes workers accidentally fire their nail guns into their heads, and often they survive just fine, thanks to skilled surgeons (and luck). In August, Denver firefighter David Lilja's gun kicked back, propelling one 3 1/2-inch nail through his jaw and another through his cheek, but they missed vital parts (except for an artery, but the position of the nail kept the artery from hemorrhaging); he's fine now. A few days later in Santa Clarita, Calif., an errant nail went through construction worker Jorge Hernandez's eye socket, into his brain, but he remained conscious and didn't realize what had happened until he looked into a mirror; he's fine, too. [Rocky Mountain News, 8-29-02] [Daily Breeze (Torrance, Calif.)-AP, 9-6-02]

Reasons number 2 and 3 why I don't own a nail gun. Which reminds me - I put both my elbows through a window once trying to open it - wait - that's a whole post in itself.

And finally...

The education commissioner of Nova Scotia announced a new high-school graduation system, with some graduates receiving specially marked diplomas noting that they never passed the mandatory literacy test. [Halifax Daily News, 9-25-02]

Nova Scotia: Da land ov jdjwljjde und illiteracy und ssjdllefnnzj stupid jdfflkjeue cant reed und kerfluffle and stuff!!!


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Not A Porn Site - I Think.

Artchick is tired. So am I. But I did find out what type of porn star I should be.

Note to Artchick: I AM THE LOUSY WRITER AROUND HERE! And I don't appreciate you stealing the title when you most definetly are not. Remove Lousy Writer from your site or the law suits will commence.

Thank you in advance,

Bill

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Friday, November 15, 2002

Required Reading

Lileks on a recent painting of a "martyr" wearing a bomb-belt:

Look. The people who actually use these devices think they will be instantly whisked to heaven so they can poke holes in six dozen hymens. The people who use these belts kill women and children and young girls and old men. They blow their legs off. They shoot nails through their eye sockets. You who are so horrified by John Ashcroft’s piety are applauding people who think God tells them to kill everyone in a pizza parlor. The bomb belt is not a symbol.It's not a metaphor. It is not a contemporary icon of power struggles and resistance. It's a bomb belt. To put it in poster terms: it is bad for children and other living things, inasmuch as it throws their flesh on the walls and the streets. Can't you find something else to play with?

Genius.



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Uh, Oh

I just noticed that instead of the regular company van with the company logo parked in the company van space, there is a two-tone Ford Club Wagon complete with carpeting, curtains and a If this thing's a-rockin' - don't come a-knockin' bumpersticker. This makes me worry about the overall health of the company. Have we been bought out by Cheech and Chong?

Alice - prepare for the worst. I'll either be unemployed very soon or working in a Bong factory for minimum wage.


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Hoo Hoo Dilly

If you Google "Hoo Hoo Dilly"...

Why would I do that?

Just trust me - you come up with Squirrel Bait, sawed off shotguns and of course, Hoo Hoo Dilly's.

What the hell are you talking about?

I don't know. It's all makes sense in my head.

Also, Southern people are crazy. That's why I moved here.


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We Kill Terrorists

I am happy to report that my home state of Virginia has killed terrorist scumbag, Aimal Khan Kasi, last night at around 9:00.

Here's what his 'peaceful' brother, Nasibullah Kasi had to say:

Kasis are a peaceful tribe. We want peaceful solutions to every problem. We do not want the Kasi name to be used to harm anybody.

Huh? Somebody tell that to the families of Frank Darling and Lansing Bennett, the two CIA agents he shot to death. The Religion of Peace strikes again.

I hope he died an extremely painful death.

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The Continental

Tonight I am going to dinner with a Norwegian, a Spaniard, a Venezuelan, a Canadian and a Redneck. And we're going to a Thai restaurant. So there. That should end the misconception that Republicans are rascist and intolerant and not inclusive and anti-diversity.

I have a feeling we'll be talking about soccer a lot.

Nobody cares about your dinner arrangements.

Yeah, well, the jerk store called...


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We Still Don't Get Mail

Several readers have written in, and by several I mean none, to ask If I am gay and having an affair with Keith due to our recent linkfest.

The answer is - Yes, I'm not gay and no I am not having an affair with Keith. But only because I found the fair Alice first.

And Thanks for not asking.

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Spectacular Attack?

After hearing what Intelligence officials call "chatter", Alice Cimino reported that she heard some "chatter" from her husband in the shower this morning. "He was muttering something about beating the trashy next door neighbors about the chest, neck, breast and head areas", she said. "He chatters about this all the time but he has yet to follow through", she noted.

In a related story, reader and writer Keith reports:

My significant other and I moved out of North Minneapolis because we were tired of the neighbor's soggy couch in the backyard, the abundance of junk cars, the shrieking kids at 11:00 at night, the shouts of "faggot!", the gunshots, the grafitti, the screaming drunken arguments, etc.

Faggot? Gunshots? Man, I should stop complaining.

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Thursday, November 14, 2002

Pop Tart Bloggers and Bubblegum Tongues

Well, it all makes sense now. If you come here. And you're insane. My wife finished the last of the friggin' purple Pop Tarts that have caused so much turmoil over the past few days, as she read this post. Irony doesn't begin to explain it.

So I am a Pop Tart blogger after all.

Still love you, Al.

Thanks, Keith. But please don't ever link me above a photo of a guy who's nose is still "under construction" and boinks THE CHILDREN.

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Not Election Day

Rich Galen on the race that keeps on giving:

Here's a tip for understanding Louisiana politics for those of you who don't live here: You can't.

Multiple Choice Question:

Politics in Louisiana is to politics in the rest of the United States as
A. Olympic curling is to NFL football
B. Eminem is to Bach
C. Politics on Pluto is to politics on Earth.
D. All of the above.




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Hardball

I had a dream last night that I was on Chris Matthews show talking about blogging. The "transcipt" looked something like this:

CM: Glenn Reynolds and Stephen Green among others, appear to me to be serious bloggers where you seem to be a Pop Tart blogger.

Me: Pop Tart blogger?

CM: Yeah, ya know. You write about Pop Tarts and stuff.

Me: I don't just write about Pop Tarts. I've written some serious stuff.

CM: Name something.

Me: Well, uh, I...

CM: Anything. We don't have a lot of time.

Me: Uh, well, I...I predicted Republicans would keep the house and win the Senate back in October.

CM: Yeah, you and half the punditry.

Me: Ah, ha! You do think I'm a serious blogger. You just included me in the punditry.

CM: I wouldn't include you in the punditry if you could make me less obnoxious.

Me: That would be impossible, Chris.

CM: Get the hell off my show, you clown.



I've had better dreams. Like when I repeatedly fall off a cliff.

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Wednesday, November 13, 2002

Log Cabin Republicans And Pussy

I was just cleaning up cat puke and I started thinking about my cat, Dennis, the hurler. And I have decided he is a Log Cabin Republican.

First of all, I'm pretty sure he's gay. I have no proof of this but he's neurotic and mothers the other two cats. He sits and stays at the door when they go out and worries about them while they're gone. He is way too attached to my wife which makes him a Mommy's boy. He is also meticulously clean except he licks the other cats' asses all the time. I know animals do that sort of thing but his ass-licking is excessive. Just trust me - he's gay.

Here's why I think he's a Republican. While he has a limited grasp of economics - he's strong on defense - he once viciously defended his homeland against a friend's 135 pound Rottweiler. Denny wacked the dog a bunch of times in the head and the Rottweiler stayed away from my 13 pound cat for the rest of the night. The big dog left and Denny had secured the homeland. That's my boy.

He also used to whine when we went to work. Once we explained to him that if we didn't, there would be no more Meow Mix, he understood and stopped the whining. Based on this, I believe he favors tax cuts and Social Security privatization. Sure, you could argue that he's a Democrat because he refuses to work and sleeps 20 hours a day but I would just chalk that up to Catness.

I know you're dying to know how the vomit clean-up is going. You'll be happy to know I'm done. Denny ate most of it. He makes his own wet food.








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Yes We Have No Bananas

In a confusing message from Iraqi officials accepting the terms of the latest U.N. resolution, Mohammad Al-Douri stated that while Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction, they would provide a complete inventory of the weapons they don't have.

Al-Douri, after delivering a letter of acceptance to U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan, told reporters that, "Iraq will not have any mass destruction weapons (MDW's). So we are not worried about the inspectors when they will be back in the country of peace. Iraq is clean-shaven, Broham." Iraq has until December 8th to produce the inventory list that will apparently be a blank sheet of paper.

In a related story, after agreeing to fully comply with the Pop Tart Resolution, Alice Cimino has promised to produce an inventory of purple Pop Tarts by 7PM this evening after inspectors were unable to locate any at lunch today.

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Time

The latest in clock technology. (Linked by Happy Fun Pundit)

May I suggest an alarm for this beauty: Joe Pesci screaming "get the f*** up, you lazy bastard!


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An Open Letter To My Wife

Dear Alice,

I was going to send you an e-mail but I feel this matter is just too important. We have always been very open about any problems we have had so I feel I need to bring this to your attention. Last Friday night while we were grocery shopping I picked up a box of purple Pop Tarts that I thought looked tasty. Immediately upon picking up the Pop Tarts, you said, "Are you going to buy those?". When I said yes, why? You said, "Nothing", and then gave me The Look.

Today at lunch I was looking for the purple Pop Tarts. I looked high and low for them but they were nowhere to be found. I had to settle for Strawberry frosted Pop Tarts with sprinkles (which were delicious by the way). So what do I see in the garbage when I go to throw out the Pop Tart wrapper? The box of purple Pop Tarts! You ate the whole box.

Which brings us to House Rule # 34-C better known as the Don't Criticize My Pop Tart Choice And Then Eat Them All Amendment. When I criticize your ungodly choice of soda (pineapple and strawberry), I don't then drink it. Please show me the same consideration. In the future, if you criticize a particular product choice, you are then banned from using, eating, drinking that product. It's the new rule.

I only say this, Alice, because if you criticize my purple Pop Tarts and then eat the whole box, the terrorists have won.

Love,

Bill


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White Trash Lullabies

We were lulled to sleep last night by the screams of our wonderful white-trash neighbors right outside our bedroom window. Reason number 6,784 why we're moving.

Wife to husband: F*** you!!
Husband to Wife: F*** you too, you f***in' asshole!
Wife to drug addict guy who lives with them: He f***in' knows how I am.
Drug addict guy to wife: Huh?
Husband to no one in particular: I'm f***in' leavin'.
(sound of crashing garbage cans)
Me: Good night, honey.
Alice: Good night.



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VRWC

I am an official member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Thanks, Michele. And thanks to Rachel for sponsoring me.


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Hey 19...Times 2...Plus 10...

Happy Birthday, Stevie!!!

Here's one of your presents.

Enjoy.


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See James Bleat

Lileks buys his daughter some toys:

I opened the plastic bag of animals, bade her to play, and went upstairs to cook the sausage for the penne pasta.

DADDEEEEEE

Just a minute, honey, Daddy’s cooking.

DADDEEE THE PIG IS MISSING

I looked down at the sausage, and thought: no, it’s right here, chopped into delightful nubbins, flavored with spices.



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This Website Hurts My Eyes

Go say hi to Keith and pick up the latest copy of Soldier of Surrender - The Official Magazine of the French Military.




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Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Fiskalicious

More from the Baltimore Chronicle. It's more of the same tired old crap and mostly not worth fisking but here's some of the more outrageous crap. From An Open Letter To America From A New Zealander by "Stephen Jones" which isnt his real name. He wouldn't print it because of all the mean-sprited hate mail he might get. Already I hate him.

America dips its toes in the water and my nation gets flooded by a tidal wave...such is the power and influence of a once-great nation.

First of all, what the hell are you talking about? If anything, we'll end up protecting you if you're attacked, dipshit. It's what we always do.

So people of America, if this is what your foreign friends are doing, what do you think is the effect on those neighbors who never liked you in the first place? Do you think they find it easy to begin to become compassionate when all they see is a bully nation bombing another in the name of finding one Bin Laden for a crime they are not convinced that he committed?

Bin Laden admitted doing it, lamb boy. And there is a group called Al Qaeda. It's not just one guy, moron.

By the way, 9-11 did not change the world.

Speak for yourself.

One might like to wonder what another nation could be so angry about to inflict that sort of carnage. In other words, what previous action would create a reaction like that? The 9-11 bombing was a consequence of what? What did American foreign policy do to invite that sort of reaction?

One might wonder how people like you manage to function in this world. In other words, what previous action would make someone like you not be able to grasp something as simple as self-preservation. It's an instinct even lower life forms have. Stephen Jones does not possess the instincts of a slug but he's just as slimy.

In New Zealand several years ago, we too had a bombing by the French on our soil. The New Zealand Greenpeace vessel "Rainbow Warrior" was blown up while docked. It was a boat used to peacefully protest the nuclear tests at the French Muraroa Atoll.

The French bombed a Greenpeace ship? You know how I feel about the French but come on, that is pretty cool.

New Zealand did not go to war with France, nor did we round up all the French citizens residing in our country and throw them in jail for later questioning or prosecution.

That's beause even France could kick your ass, Stephen. And that's saying something. Now are you accusing us of rounding up Arabs and throwing them in jail? If that's what you are implying, you are a jackass.

If Bush admitted that Afganistan and Iraq have been targetted primarily for plunder and control of natural resources, how many Americans would support that? How many Americans are not prepared to compromise their lifestyle and would support war if it meant that they could maintain their lifestyle?

No blood for oil. It was just a matter of time.

What if Saddam has weapons of mass destruction? So do other countries. What makes Iraq any different or more of a threat to the U.S? Is it the possibility that Saddam might be insane? It could just as easily be argued that Bush and Blair are lunatics and they have more and bigger guns.

Well, it could just as easily be argued that you're an idiot fo even making the comparison.

We of other nations remember that Bush was not your truly elected president.

You think this guy reads Michael Moore?

To us it seemed as though the recounts just kept on happening until the desired result was achieved, and that sent huge alarm bells to us. We at once became afraid, and asked the question, Who wants Bush in power so badly that they will do whatever it takes to get him there? I am surprised that more Americans did not seem to share our worry.

Because more Americans (not Moore Americans) don't swallow everything Alec Baldwin has to say. It's a little scary but not surprising that you do.

Within a few months of Bush arriving in office, the US has a war on Afghanistan under the guise of getting revenge on one man. I don't know how many people remember, but apart from killing untold numbers of other innocent families, Bin Laden is still at large.

Remember? Did I miss something that Stephen didn't. Was there the Killing Untold Numbers of Other Innocent Families, Bin Laden Still At Large memo that never made it around the office? Could someone please fax me a copy.

Please do not get me wrong. I like America and like Americans.It is just that in recent years I have come to realize that America was once a great nation, but is no more, and unless the people stop taking this crap real soon, Americans will find themselves out of favor with most of the rest of the world.

I don't want you to like me I want you to shut up.

And instead of scolding the suicide bombers, look to the cause of that desperate action. What would drive a person to be so empty of hope and freedom that one would resort to suicide? Would you wish to live if you were that repressed? Can you imagine how bad it would have to be before you would kill yourself in despair?

Here it comes... Scolding the suicide bombers? Steve, they didn't stay out late and forget to call mommy. I am imagining how bad it would have to be before you killed yourself in despair.

To us on the outside, there seems to be precious little difference between the state of play in the US and the state of play in Nazi Germany a few decades ago. Americans may disagree on that point, but that is what it looks like from the outside.

And the obligatory comparison to Hitler. No lefty 'open letter' would be complete without it. This guy is nothing if not thorough when it comes to the anti-war talking points. Good job, Steve.

Americans might also like to ask themselves if they are satisfied with the promised full investigation into 9-11, and ask what Cheney could have to hide in those energy reports (could they have anything to do with attacking Afghanistan and Iraq?).

Talking point #23C-11, Bush and Cheney caused 9/11. Stephen now has on his tinfoil hat and is becoming completely unhinged. Calm down, Stephen - Noam Chomsky and the French are working on the "full investigation" and will have it on your "desk" (which is what Steve calls the rubber arms of his straight jacket) tomorrow morning.

I hope that all Americans at least get to see John Pilger's "Palestine IS Still The Issue" and Michael Moore's film "Bowling for Columbine" and then ask themselves, "What am I doing or supporting to create this?"

Holy crap! John Pilger and Michael Moore in one sentence! That certainly explains a lot.

We of other nations look to you to restore peace and get rid of the enemy within, and the rest will take care of itself. Draw upon the ideals of your constitution and your founding fathers, and once again, the US can be the leading light instead of Darth Vader.

That's what we are doing, Stephen, following the Constitution, not the U.N., France or New Zealand, God forbid. We don't care what you think because you are buffoons.

Darth Vader?





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Islamophisking

OK, I didn't start this, the Baltimore Chronicle did. I don't really consider myself a fisking sort of guy but I got an e-mail from the Chronicle saying their new issue was up (I dont know why they think I care) so I went and checked it out. And what is the first thing I notice - Islamophobia: The New Menace (eyes begin rolling, profanities commence).

Islamophobia: The New Menace
by Dr. Mahjabeen Islam

Let's start with the title. Islamophobia is not the new menace. The new menace is Islamofascism. Americans and non-muslims are generally not afraid of Islam or muslims. Except some of the more extreme members tend to come either with bombs attached or they fly planes not according to factory directions. This makes Americans and non-muslims a little nervous. It's not so much phobia as caution, Habeeb. I mean, Mahjabeen.

Don't you just hate the phrase "paradigm shift"? One does not just have this auditory antipathy to it but dislikes even more that the latest concept in the United States is that all things bad and blighted come from Islam, and a Muslim is America's new bogeyman.

No, we don't think that. And your paranoia doesn't make it so. Like I said, we're a little cautious after a group of muslims turned a chunk of New York City including 3000 of us into something resembling a very large ashtray. And if you're going to play that game - do you mean the same way that most muslims think that "all things bad and blighted come from Israel and the United States? Huh? Tell me? Read almost any Arab paper almost any day of the week if you don't believe me.

In 2000, then Vice President Al Gore, as head of the anti-terrorism committee, had gotten the Law of Secret Evidence passed and the stage was set for ethnic profiling and stereotyping. Many were harassed and several held for “looking the part.” On the heels of that came the Carnivore software that the FBI was to use to snoop on e-mail.

I don't remember hearing about people held for "looking the part" in 2000. Must have missed it. And Al Gore was part of the reason 9/11 happened in the first place. He wasn't doing nearly enough "harassing". And speaking of 9/11, even after that, we weren't profiling. You must have heard of Norm Mineta? He who only profiles 85 year old legless women with cataracts.

As the uproar gained steam, September 11 happened, and suddenly it was an "I told you so" attitude all over. The tedious airport checks, the mall harassment of women in Hijab [Muslim dress], and hate crimes climbed, even including the killing of Sikhs, mistaken as Muslims.

If this uproar, that I'm a little skeptical about because it didn't happen, had gained steam maybe there would have been no September 11th. Did you ever think of that.

And the "tedious airports checks", last I heard were for everybody who flies.

Sikhs were killed? Since you don't provide any references, I looked around and found this - the Sikh Media Point. While they do mention some incidents of harassment, they don't mention Sikhs being killed. They also mention that the Senate unanimously passed a resolution on hate crimes against Sikhs and also that Bush met with Sikhs at the White House.

To the drumbeat of George Bush's nauseating repetition of the "war on terror," we in the US now have quite a choir. The sad fact is that many of the choirboys are not just obscure folk but nationally known figures who have a voice and in some cases quite a following.

Nauseating repitition? I'm sorry you're sick of hearing it. It's just that George Bush, being like, the President, takes terrorism kind of seriously what with the 3000 corpses and all. Of course, if it's that nauseating, you can always go back to whatever fly-infested shit-hole you came from.

During a graduation ceremony at The Johns Hopkins University, Tom Brokaw, the anchor for NBC’s “Nightline,” gave an entire speech playing up Islamophobia as his central theme. He said that modernity was an affront to Allah and because "young Muslims who are suicide-motivated could not be killed or ignored, their rage had to be dealt with." Adding provocation to alarm, he went on to add that the demographics of the world were rapidly changing and in about 20 years Islam would supersede Christianity as claiming the largest number of followers.

Right. So what's your point? Are you disputing what he said or do you just not like the fact that he would talk about it at all. Oh, I see. You don't like people talking about it. It's nauseating.

Whether the Johns Hopkins administration identified itself with this message is unclear, but despite a storm of protest, Harvard University allowed a graduating student, Zayed Yasin, to go ahead with his scheduled speech titled, "Of faith and citizenship: My American Jihad." The speech was eloquently simple that afterwards the detractors realized that indeed they had been protesting too much in an atmosphere of anti-Muslim and anti-Islam phobia.

Wait - so Tom Brokaw can't talk about Islam but Yasin can? I don't understand. We wouldn't be advocating the silencing of a particular viewpoint here, would we? Like most muslim countries have a tendency to do.

The baton—nay the bayonet—was handed from Brokaw to Lou Dobbs of CNN's “Moneyline,” who, instead of acquiring fame a la stock market, decided to use the term "Islamist" as a synonym for all things terrorist. The news raged across message boards and discussion groups and many Muslims called CNN and e-mailed Dobbs. The only "concession" that he made was to call them “radical” Islamists, but terrorists all the same.

Really - bayonet? Come on. Aren't you being a tad inflammatory? And aren't you doing pretty much what you accuse Dobbs and Brokaw of doing. I'm not calling you a hypocrite but, wait a minute, yes I am.

But these are only the backgrounders while the Bush administration gears up to pursue its open-ended and no-holds-barred "war on terror."

Good. You seem to be grasping it now.

All Arab and South Asian Muslim visitors to the US have to have their fingerprints taken and their particulars stored in criminal databases.

Oh, the horror!!! Ink!! On their fingers!!! Will this nightmare ever end??

From Dobbs the cacophony reached to the recent Southern Baptists Convention (SBC), during which its former president, Reverend Jerry Vines, disparaged Prophet Muhammad. Despite an uproar and repeated demands for condemnation and apology, none have been forthcoming. Only the Jewish Anti-Defamation League was swift in its condemnation, and it also reminded the public that in 1999 at another convention of the same group, Christians were urged to pray for the mass conversion of Jews to Christianity.

Hmm. That Southern Baptist thing doesn't sound half as bad as the Durban Conference on Supressing, Eliminating and Eradicating Zionist Swine. After repeated demands for condemnation of that crapfest, none have been forthcoming from either you or any Arab nation so maybe you should shut up.

Well before the female suicide bomber blew herself up in Israel, Muslim women in America were not spared intense scrutiny. An American-born woman of Pakistani parents was not just horrifically profiled at an airport; she was forced to remove her Hijab in public, despite her protestations that she had been checked by a female security officer in private.

Oh, you just provided me with a goldmine here, Habeeb. Where to start..., oh, more horrors. Horrific profiling? What is that exactly? Let me guess - a screener did his job. He pulled her out of line and then, in order to see her face, removed the Hijab. Sounds reasonable. But the best part is the contrast in that paragraph. Let's read it:

Well before a female suicide bomber blew herself up...
An American-born woman...was horrifically profiled...

Did you even look at what you wrote, you flaming retard? Killing people and pulling people out of line are not the same thing. And maybe, just maybe, the screener pulled her out of line to make sure she couldn't blow shit up. Regardless if this was before the first female that blew herself up. She wasn't the first muslim to do it.

There is a quiet rage within America over September 11, and President Bush's Xenophobic utterances and policies and Attorney-General Ashcroft's ultra-right bent and then the media chorus makes the quiet rage rather raucous at times. And this is becoming the norm rather than the exception.

You're damn right there's a quiet rage. And can I tell you something? You are not helping things. People like you fuel the quiet rage and make it raucous. Trust me on this.

According to the Annual Report of Complaints regarding discrimination compiled by the Council on American Islamic Relations (CAIR), there was a 15 percent increase in complaints in 2001 compared to the previous year; starting from 1997, there has been a steady rise in these complaints. It is safe to assume that 2002 will reveal an exponential rise in these cases. Virginia leads the pack, followed by Illinois, Maryland and New York. The Muslim features attracting discrimination were Hijab and beard, followed by ethnic origins.

You lost me as soon as you mentioned CAIR. They are an agenda-driven bunch of liars. If you are going to cite statistics by CAIR, you may as well also throw in some statistics from Yassar Arafat, Saddam Hussein and Barbra Streisand.

Simple and unknowing Americans all over the country have been infected by this sickening trend; the vilification of Islam is felt all of a sudden to be not just fashionable but a necessity. Paul Craig Roberts, a columnist for the Washington Times, questioned the wisdom of issuing visas to young Muslims. Shannon Burke, a radio talk show host in Florida, has called for the closure of all US borders to Muslims, because "Muslims are cruel and Islam hates education and democracy and any new invention is a threat to Allah."

Show me these unknowing Americans who have been infected. I haven't met one in the last year. I'm not saying a few aren't out there but please. Maybe in your little head there's this plague of infections but not in my experience. And I think I may be in a better position to judge since the unknowing Americans who are infected, would most likely confide in me about their hatred of all things Islam than they would in you.

The phobia is fast turning into paranoia, and appears obviously to have been stoked by the way the September 11 events were and continue to be painted. Here in the United States, the government is formulating discriminatory policy and the media is cheerleading it through.

You should know about paranoia. Just listen to yourself. And the policy is only discriminatory in your paranoid little brain.

Security and protective measures are necessary as they concern each and every citizen, but to lose balance and use them to terrorize only one particular section of the community is more than frightening. If one is not WASP (White-Anglo-Saxon-Protestant), he or she is subject to being profiled per se and ejected out of a plane before takeoff, as has happened innumerable times. Only the other day five brown-skinned men were offloaded from a flight, just because another passenger had felt they were acting "suspicious." Only two of the five were Arabs.

Let me give you a clue - per Norm Mineta, WASP's and white people are the only ones allowed to be profiled. Jeez, read a paper.

America is a nation of immigrants, and several strides in accommodating diversity and protecting civil rights have been made, leading to the democratic pluralism of which we are rightfully proud. Unfortunately, however, the panic generated by September 11 seems to have so occupied the mind of the administration as well as the media that they seem to have lost perspective. We pride ourselves in our diversity and our tolerance but there is the real risk of transforming this great nation into a police state, a la Soviet style, a state of fear and suspicion in which, in order ostensibly to fight criminal terrorism, the state itself becomes a terrorist. Such an approach did not hold for the once-superpower, and it cannot hold for the sole remaining superpower. Fear and paranoia are their own enemies; they can't do better when compounded with Islamophobia.

Don't you dare compare this country to the Soviet Union. You who practices medicine in this country, were most likely educated here and gets to write stupid articles in the Baltimore Chronicle.

See, in the U.S. even clowns get a forum.



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Fisking Myself

Here's what I wrote yesterday:

Sorry about posting nothing today but we're in the process of looking for a house.

Uh, you didn't post nothing yesterday. That post you said wasn't a post was, in fact, a post, idiot.

And we both have jobs, and we're dogsitting for the week. The cats aren't crazy about the dog and the dog is pettrified of the cats.

Petrified has one 't' not two. Don't write if you can't spell. Invest in one of those dictionary thingies.

Which is mostly a good thing except he craps everytime a cats enters the living room.

What's 'a cats'? Nice sentence.

So, you can see how it's been difficult to blog. Things will pick up tomorrow.

It's not that difficult. Lot's of people are a lot busier than you and still manage to write more than you so enough with the lame excuses. And if you keep writing like that we're hoping things don't pick up tomorrow.

Ouch! No one's harder on me than my voices.

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Monday, November 11, 2002

Not Myself

Sorry about posting nothing today but we're in the process of looking for a house. And we both have jobs, and we're dogsitting for the week. The cats aren't crazy about the dog and the dog is petrified of the cats. Which is mostly a good thing except he craps everytime one of the cats enters the living room. So, you can see how it's been difficult to blog. Things will pick up tomorrow.

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Sunday, November 10, 2002

I've Been Down Too Long

Uh, oh. Here's what I just read on Blogger's login page:

We're getting ready to release some major changes and improvements to the Blogger application, and we think the occasion calls for a long-overdue update to the Blogger.com site design. In order to get this done at the same time, we've decided to hold a contest for designers who would like to take a stab at what they think Blogger should look like.

Here are my two suggestions:

1) Nothing. Just a blank page like I get most of the time.
2) Error 103. Which Blogger doesn't recognize:

Hello! Welcome to Error 103, formerly known as Blogger .

Please enter your User Name and Password --

Error 103 does not recognize your User Name and Password due to Error 103 (for more information go here.)

Error 103: Error 103 has experienced an Error 103 error. Please see our Error 103 Help with errors

Blogger: We were almost 404 but it was taken!





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Jacques, You're Dead

More on France...

National Review On Dead Tree reports that The Journal du Dimanche (or Sunday Journal - why can't they just speak English?) reports, regarding the U.N. resolutions:

"France has spoken, resisted, laid down the law, and it's voice has been heard," crediting [Jacques] Chirac with nothing less than a miracle.

When I was about 12, I used to wrestle my little brother to the ground, put my knees on his outstretched arms to hold him down and then dangle my snotty saliva in his face until he screamed and would do whatever I wanted as long as the spit didn't touch his face. This should be our new foreign policy towards our smelly, beret-clad, retarded cousins. Donald Rumsfeld dangling spit - Jacques Chirac screaming. I'd pay to see it.

Now that's diplomacy.



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Over There...

Misha somehow manages to sum up World War II and Europe, as it relates to common sense today, in a paragraph:

Just over two decades later, they decide to try fascism and nazism on for size, get their shrivelled nuts caught in the wringer again and hey presto, off go our GIs to save the fucknuts from themselves once a-fucking-GAIN! OK, THAT settled it, right? Surely you asswipes have had it with totalitarian regimes now, haven't you? Can we leave you home alone now for a while without worrying about you setting the house on fire while we're gone?

I am committing this to memory for my trip to Europe this summer. Typical exchange in a restaurant:

Stinky French Waiter: Monsieur Stupid American De Bon Après-midi. Queest-ce que je peux vous obtenir pour vous aujourd'hui, M. Stupid, homme laid?

Me: So, you decided to try fascism and nazism on for size, get your shrivelled nuts caught in the wringer again and hey presto, off go our GIs to save you fucknuts from yourselves once a-fucking-GAIN! OK, THAT settled it, right? Surely you asswipes have had it with totalitarian regimes now, haven't you? Can we leave you home alone now for a while without worrying about you setting the house on fire while we're gone? Apparently not, you clown. And I don't eat snails. They're almost bugs for God's sake! Get 'em off my plate*.

*Stolen from The Jerk, I think.

He should teach a course.




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10,000 Maniacs

It's my one month blog-iversary. It's been a lot of fun. I owe a lot of people. A lot. You know who you are.

Here's the second post on my first day (second verse - same as the first):

Finally did it, Al!


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Pick A Winner

Somebody ended up here by doing a Yahoo search for - bald guys picking nose. Checking that wasn't a total waste though because I found out that many accidents are caused by people who are picking their noses. This is not surprising as I commute about an hour a day and see at least one person per day doing this. Often it is at a light and the person is sitting right next to me.

Here's a tip: being in a car does not make you invisible. Many people have the ability to look through your car windows and see you digging in your nostrils. We can also see you pull out whatever you've found and examine it while the light is still red. Why do you look so amazed by what you have found? It's a booger. What in God's Name did you expect to find up there?

One more tip: You know how you shave, shower, brush your teeth (and for residents of San Francisco, do your first bong hit of the day), before work? That's probably the time to pick your nose. Don't do it in the car is all I'm saying.

Fact: My sister had a booger wall.

2nd Fact: Some of them were red-ish.

3rd Fact: I thought this was a great idea and started my own.

4th Fact: I idolized my sister. Still do.

5th Fact: I liked to think of my 'wall' as the Metropolitan Museum of Art for boogers.

What pisses me off now is that you can toss a Crucifix in urine or throw poo on a painting and actually get paid! If I'd only had the foresight to save my snot.

If you think this is disgusting, read this by Dave Barry.



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Knutty Knews

The Knuttsford squirrel that terrorized the English town by biting children in the face has finally been killed by Geoff Horth when Horth shot the furry little bastard with an air gun. Will adorable terrorist rodents be the reason England reverses it's silly gun ban? Is the squirrel a member of Al Qaeda? If so, will George Bush begin targeting squirrels? Should German zookeepers be put in charge of England's terrorist squirrel population...

In it's continuing effort to not be taken seriously, Germany - specifically a German court - awarded a zookeeper six months in severence pay despite the fact the zookeeper had a tendency to barbecue the animals he was supposed to be, well, not barbecuing. We're predicting tomorrow's headline: German Zookeeper Hired At Daycare - Writes Book: To Serve Children.

Finally, Koko the talking Gorilla has released her debut album much to the delight of the 62 members of PETA and residents of Berkeley, CA. One music critic said that it's like most rap records except Koko, who knows about a thousand words, is more articulate.


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