Wednesday, November 20, 2002

I have Moved - It's Official!

Drop everything, go to the new and improved Bloviating Inanities. Now with 26% More Crap!!!

Add it to your bookmarks, favorites, whatever and never ever come here again. It'll be like going to an ancient indian burial ground - you'll have bad dreams and black stuff will come out of your toilet. Bad, bad, bad!!

Go towards the light! And www.bloviatinginanities.com. It'll piss off your parents! Or your children. And definetly your boss.

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Blu-vie Reviews

Blu aka The Mouth also does movie reviews. Hysterically funny ones. One thing though - whenever Blu sends me somewhere, I never know where I am. Am I at Blu's page? Is Blu here? Did Blu write this? Where the hell am I? Wherever I end up, whenever I'm there, it's always interesting and funny. I just don't know where there is. Do you deliberately not want anybody to know where they are or who you are? In Blu's defense, when I was in grade school,a teacher wrote on my report card - easily confused. How's that for esteem building. She just should've written in big letters - RETARD!

Oh, and what's up with the two websites when most of us can barely manage one? Frankly, it makes me look downright lazy. Oh, wait. I am. Nevermind.

Anyway, go read, Jesus, I don't know what the hell the name of the site is...Hollywood? The Bijou? Dairyland? Blu's Reviews? A Chick That Reviews Crap And Stuff? Help me out here?

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Bad News And Bad Breaks

Blogger was down almost all day for one reason or another. First I got a message that basically said the server has crapped out so we are alternating the useless, cheap bastards that use Blogger for free. I must have been put on a queue because I was able to post about two hours later. Then Page Cannot Be Displayed for the rest of the day. It didn't happen to my page just the post part.

Then my work e-mail went down. So I called my IT department. Here's the conversation:

Me: My e-mail's not working. It's giving me a weird error.
IT: You're supposed to send an e-mail with a description of the problem so we can log it.
Me: Right. But my e-mail's not working.
IT: Well, can you send an e-mail when it's back up.
Me: But I won't need you then.

This happens all the time.

Ah, but the future looks bright. I have left Blogger, mostly. More on that later hopefully. A lot more.

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Priming The Chump

The only thing more surprising that having a whole website dedicated to the intricacies of Rock, Paper, Scissors is that almost 500,000 people have been there.

Bloviating Inanities: Dumbing down America one post at a time.

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Of Bongwater And Bleats

Why should you read Lileks every damn day? Because he's brilliant and I said so. Today:

Everyone is sick of the election rehash, and sicker still of the Wellstone memorial story, but: one detail needs relating. Got it first hand the other day from someone who attended. As they were waiting for the event to begin, they noticed a big beach ball bouncing around the crowd, traveling up the stands and down, back, forth. A beach ball.

Who brings a beach ball to a memorial for a dead man? Can you imagine standing in the garage, keys in hand, patting your pockets for wallet and sunglasses, thinking have I forgotten anything for this somber event? Oh, right! An inflatable sphere the crowd can bat around for fun. It’s not a memorial service without one.

I’m surprised no one dove from the stage after their eulogy, and surfed the crowd to the concession stand.


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Merry Christmas, Fatso!

Go buy Michael Moore a Christmas present or two.


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Tuesday, November 19, 2002

Six Degrees Of A Bunch A Crap

Ready for mine? My sister used to live with this guy, who's brother went to Hofstra University with Francis Ford Coppola who must have, at one point, run into Kevin Bacon at a party or something. Is that six? Who cares.


Note: A Bunch A Crap is the registered trademark of my friend David and may not be used in whole or in part (well, maybe in part, since he doesn't claim to own the letter A or the letter CRAP) without the express written consent of David. He can be contacted here if you'd like to lease A Bunch A Crap for parties, etc. for a nominal fee. Payments can be sent to Bloviating Inanities Unlimited International Amalgamated Company Incorporated, known worldwide as BLOVINANUNINAMCOINC. See store for details. Prices subject to Federal, State, County and Local taxes, various gratuities, miscellaneous fees and crap.

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I Love Lesbians And Lesbians Love Me!

Blu over at Blu Iguana? The Mouth? Dyke Write? has me in her Loves column. Thanks! I'm flattered.

Dyke Write's the community, right? Anyway, go visit her. I really do love lesbians. Ask my wife. Unfortunately, I can't be in the club. The token guy has been chosen. Hoopty's a lucky man. You can still take a look around and keep abreast (no pun intended) of what's going on in the Dyke blogring community.

Thanks, guys...er...girls...uh, dykes!

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Have I Mentioned I Also Hate Al Gore?

I saw Al this morning being interviewed by Gore whore, Katie Couric. He, of course, disagreed again with the way Bush is handling the war. He said something like - I think we should have had an international force in Afghanistan because now the warlords have taken over, the Taliban and Al Qaeda are back, blah-dy blah blah. What? Where does this former Vice President get his information? And why does he think a non-existent international force would have been more effective than American troops?

First of all, who would this 'international force' consist of exactly? Let's see. France surrended at approximately noon on September 11, 2001. And they weren't even sure who they surrendered to. Canada? Their armored tank division consists of three 1972 Chevy Impalas with shotguns mounted on the hood. Russia? Already got their butts kicked by Afghanistan.

Al is delusional. He likes to use words like international coalition and multilateralism because it makes him sound important and smart. He is neither.

Then Katie asked her toughest question of the morning - But don't you think Saddam is dangerous? Hmm. Al responds that of course he thinks Saddam is dangerous, Katie but first things first. We need to take care of the war on terror and I have not heard anything official which links Saddam to Bin Laden.

Oh, for cryin' out loud, Al. You had to have heard Bush's Axis of Evil speech. He only mentioned three countries and Iraq made the list, you dolt. He also made a speech to the UN. Remember? Do I have to go on? Saddam has nothing to do with terrorism like you have nothing to do with tedium.


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Beat It

This white girl needs a beatin'.

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Does The Fun Ever Start?

I'm getting traffic from my Mother-in-law and she's only been blogging for two days. That's just wrong.

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A Tart Likes Me

I like her too. And that tart also speaks. She's not feeling all warm and fuzzy about the holidays either. Cheer up, Tartness, worse days are coming!


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Domestic Disturbances

Two things - I went to do the dishes last night and reached for the sponge but instead picked up a small cactus by the sink. Who's bright idea was it to have a cactus next to the sponge (Alice)? So the first three fingers on my right hand are killing me. Then I went to make dinner and sliced open the first finger on my left hand while cutting up Chorizo sausage with a very sharp knife. Blood everywhere. And yes, Alice, that's why the jambalaya tasted funny.

So today, I am the bandaid man....

They are the eggmen...

I am the walrus...

G'goo goo g'joob

It could be worse -

I could be sitting on a cornflake
Waiting for the van to come

Or yellow matter custard
dripping from a dead dog's eye



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An Open Letter To A Company I Won't Name But It Rymes With Mosting Hatters

Dear Mosting Hatters,

I was going to write a lengthy, ranty letter and go on and on about how difficult some websites make it for you to pay for goods or services but I have decided instead to just send you to the Bloviating Inanities Store. Have fun!!

Regards,

Bill




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Monday, November 18, 2002

Real Time Rants

I have been to a ton of sites and ordered a ton of shit off of a lot of them. It's easy - pick what you want - add to cart - pay.

But some sites make it impossible to fucking pay. I want to but I can't. I don't know how to change my billing information. I am sitting here right now staring at the screen and a credit card number and I am not allowed to pay these people. The worst part? I have a very good friend who is doing a lot of work for me for free and she had to find out that the reason she couldn't help me out is - I didn't pay for services. Naturally, I wanted to kill myself. WHERE THE FUCK DO I PAY YOU PEOPLE???

Just tell me. Can I change my billing information? I chose the Check option like a moron because you don't take American Express and all I had on me was that which you don't take so I assumed that you, color me an idiot, would fucking bill me.

Nope.

I was supposed to MAIL them a check. GOD! JESUS! I am now stomping around the kitchen and my wife wants to know what's wrong and are you ever coming to bed? NO!!! I'm not coming to bed! A very nice person went to a lot of trouble today and wasted a lot of time because I never sent a check I had no idea I was supposed to send because they never bothered to mention I HAD TO and I could have used another form of payment because I had that other form of payment at my disposal and it's right in my hand this second. Oh, I could go on. No point.

In conclusion, suck suck sucky suck suck...Sorry so sorry -so so so so sorry..it'll never happen again...I'm an idiot....wanna pay but can't...no checks...no American Express...Why?...stupid...angry....furious, pacing, have some jambalaya - NO! Not hungry...sugar pie's delicious...need sleep... so embarassed.... kill me...








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Everybody's Doing It

Well, it was bound to happen. In an effort to dumb down the blogworld, my yappy mother-in-law has started a blog. It's called Anything Goes. And I was tempted not to link to her because while she acknowledges that I set up the blog for her, she didn't link me. Thanks, Madonna. She doesn't have a comments section yet either so I'm sure I'll be doing that for her.

I've created a monster. God, help us all.

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Good Vibrations

More from News of the Weird:

September reports in the New York Post and the Toronto Star, quoting parents' Web site "reviews" of the Mattel $19.99 Nimbus 2000 plastic-replica broomstick from the latest Harry Potter movie, highlighted its battery-powered special effect: vibration. Wrote a Texas mother: "I was surprised at how long (my daughter and her friends) can just sit in her room and play with this magic broomstick." Another said her daughter fights her son for it but complains that "the batteries drain too fast." A New Jersey mother, sensing a problem, said her daughter could keep playing with it, "but with the batteries removed." Still another mother, age 32, said she enjoyed it as much as her daughter. [New York Post, 9-7-02; Toronto Star, 9-7-02]

Daughter: Mommy, why is my Harry Potter broom all gooey and stinky?

Mother: Uh, um, just go wash it off, dear. And don't tell your father.

I tried to find reviews and came up with this.

Also on the same site:

I hear the voices in my head,
I swear to God it sounds like they're snoring.

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I Was Nominated For A Darwin Award

A few years ago in the spring, I was attempting to simply open a window to let a little fresh air in. It was stuck so I went and got a screw-driver. Actually, no I didn't. I just kept pushing until the window opened - permanently - because I had rammed my elbows through the pane. So naturally I'm bleeding all over the place. The wife wraps the bloody arms, packs me in the car and we're off to the emergency room. As we enter, I'm getting a bunch of stares and when I sit down next to a few people, they get up and sit farther away from me. What the...? Ohhhhh, I get it. They think I tried to kill myself. So we start laughing about this and now the emergency room patrons really think I mad.

So, the doctor stitches me up only after thinking I'm a suicidal lunatic and then after I revealed to him what I did. Now he just thinks I'm a garden variety moron. Wonderful. Off to the grocery store to get supper and more looks. Whatever.

But it gets better. The next spring rolls around...

No you didn't...you can't possibly be that stupid.

And that's where you're wrong. Same window. Pushing. Pushing harder. The wife tells me be careful - remember what happened last time. Smash! goes the window. Out pours the blood. The only difference this time is now I'm arguing with the wife because she wants to take me back to the same emergency room. Uh, uh. Not happening. With my luck, I'll have the same doctor and he'll lock me away in the stupid asylum for the next six months. So I pick the shards of glass out of the wound and wrap it in gauze. How bad could it be. Well, it didn't heal so nice. Ugly, jaggedy scars. So what.

About two months later I go to give blood. The lady asks me a few standard questions and then says, "Have you ever used heroin or any other narcotic intervenously?" No, of course not, I answer. "Well, then what happened to your arms?" Oh, Jesus. Here we go. I almost just lied and said, 'yeah, I was a huge heroin addict back in the early 80's. Quit after I got the clap and now I'm strictly a Methadone kind of guy. But I just told her the truth. She gave me a weird look and I knew she was thinking - do we really want people this stupid giving blood.

And then the Darwin nomination showed up in the mail and the rest is history.


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G-File

Jonah Goldberg got a promotion over at NRO. Consequently, there's a whole lot of back-slapping going on over in G-Fileville. It's not pretty.

I know it's from Friday but I've been busy.


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La Belle Dame Sans Regrets

Got a nice link from Andrea over in Spleenville. Thanks.

Oh, and who do you have to blow around here to get banned in China?





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I Fell Out Of The Stupid Tree And Hit Every Branch On The Way Down

I don't know if anybody has tried to e-mail me using the link to the left but it's been wrong for weeks because I'm an idiot. It's correct now. And thanks to Madonna (not that Madonna), for pointing it out.

Moron!

I know! I just said that. Leave me alone.

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Lasers Are Cool

This THEL chemical laser can shoot down short range warheads (check out the video). I was wondering if this would replace Star Wars but it's actually part of it. They're working on making it long range. Couldn't this be used on offense as well as defense? I don't see why not. Also, check the main page to see all the other cool stuff we have developed.

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Sunday, November 17, 2002

No Soup For You!

Here's an idea - Rachel Lucas, Misha and Michele open a retaurant called RestauRANT. The food is great, the ambiance different. One of them always hosts:

R/M/M: Party of...?

Jane Doe: Oh, four.

R/M/M: And how many idiotarians?

Jane: Idiotarians?

R/M/M: You know, idiots, moh-rons, nipple piercers?

Jane: Oh, right. We have two.

R/M/M: Follow me to your table. Can I get you a drink?

Jane: I'll have a scotch and soda.

R/M/M: And you, sir?

John: I'll have the same.

Rainbow: I'll have a Flaming Fidel.

R/M/M: I'm sorry, I haven't heard of that.

Rainbow: Ya know, a Flaming Fidel. As in Castro. It's rum and urine. It's all they have to drink over there. But the healthcare's like totally free!

R/M/M: Right. And you, sir?

Sky: And France is like the best country ever....oh, I'll just have some bongwater.

R/M/M: Uh, we're outta bongwater but may I suggest a can of whup-ass?

Sky: Whup...what?

R/M/M: I'll be right back with your order.

R/M/M: Here's your scotch and sodas and here is your Flaming Fidel...

Rainbow: Hey, that's just a shot of rum...

R/M/M: (climbs on table and starts peeing on Rainbow) And your urine, ma'am.

Rainbow: Hey! You're getting my hemp skirt all wet. And I was gonna wear it to the protest tomorrow!

R/M/M: Sorry, and your armpit hair is soaked. Let me get you a napkin.

Sky: Dude, and where's my bongwater?

R/M/M: (picks up napkin holder and whacks Sky)...Here's your bong...

Sky: Owww!

R/M/M: (picks up glass of water - pours it over Sky's bleeding head)...And your water.

Next up - Appetizers.




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Fine - Then Go Sleep On That Bench!

In my continuing effort to not actually write stuff - here's more weird stuff:

According to a September New York Times report, New York City homeless-shelter workers believe that "50 to 75 percent" of the current population of 8,000 families (2,000 more than the year before) are "unreasonably picky" about moving into permanent assisted housing, thus remaining in temporary apartments at an average cost to the city of $2,800 per family per month. Sara Kelly, a mother of six and eight-year assisted-housing client, said she could not accept a three-bedroom apartment because "you had to walk through one bedroom to get to another bedroom to get to a bathroom (and) I can't live like that. (I am) choosy about where I live." [New York Times, 9-16-02]

New York Times Headline: Homeless Increase Over 1,000,000,000% Since Bush Selection (Not Election)
New York Post Headline: Then Go Sleep On A Warm Grate - Homeless Reject 3 Bedroom/1 Bath - Hold Out For 5 Bedroom/2.5 Bath

In related news, the homeless also preferred Osso Buco with Toasted Pine Nut Gremolata over some fries they found in a McDonald's parking lot, Nike sneakers over wet, rotting banana peels wrapped around their feet, and warm clothes over being stark naked in February.

In unrelated news, Mario Batali has a degree in Economics (which makes sense - he owns like 12 restaurants) and Spanish Theatre. Is that like the hispanic clown on Sabado Domingo that farts a lot around children and then says, 'Muy Stinkado!'. (Note: I have never watched Sabado Domingo)

In more unrelated news, Mario Batali also went to Rutgers University in New Jersey. I was accepted there and almost chose to go to Rutgers if Harvard hadn't accepted me first. I also majored in Spanish theatre and received a full scholarship because I could loudly fart around children and then proclaim loudly, 'Muy stinkado!'

The homeless, Osso Buco, Rutgers? What, in God's name, is your point?

Oh, if you came here for a 'point', you most certainly came to the wrong place.

As my lovely wife said just the other day, 'Why does everything have to have a point?'

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