Friday, July 29, 2005

My Brother Has Huge Testicles

I don't think I could ever go to a nudist camp. For one thing, I don't think anybody really needs to see me naked. Plus, most people have really ugly naked bodies. One study that I completely made up says that ugly bodies nationally are up 18% from 2002. The overall "Really Fat and Ugly Body" figure is at 79%. More statistics to prove this is that baby boomers now make up half of the population of the US. And we all know how butt ugly most baby boomers are, myself excluded. Also, another study that I made up shows that people with the ugliest blodies are the most likely to want to show it to you. And by you, I mean me. And between you and me, I've seen some pretty nasty naked people. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of going to a nude beach in the islands once. There was one naked lady that made my eyes bleed and the image of her was indelibly etched on my eyeballs for the rest of the trip. This particular woman had to be close to 200 years old. She was essentially a skeleton with a paper-thin layer of skin draped over her. Her breasts were were long, flat sacks that hung to her waist. I couldn't look at her privates for fear my head would explode. I did however, get a good look at another woman's vagina - accidentally. I was coming out of the water after a lovely swim, and what appears before me - a 350 lb. behemoth sitting on a towel with her legs open. Her breast had to weigh 25 lbs. each and they rested on her thighs. It was quite a sight. So I think I've made my case against nudism. Except for hot chicks. Then nudism rules.

And yes, my brother does have huge testicles.

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For My Dear Queer Friend

This is for Keith:

Last Friday night, I went to see James Taylor, got stinking drunk and afterwards went skinny-dipping in my pool. You should have seen my lily white ass glistening in the moonlight.

Note: I'm not gay. I swear. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

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Bloviating Inanities: Now with 51% More Idiocy!

I am 51% Idiot.
Don't Think Right.
I am an idoit. Not as much as most. There are even people out there that annoy the hell out of me. What was I talking about?
Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom


(via Keith - he has the hippie poll though)

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Thursday, July 28, 2005

I believe

...that Michael Moore doesn't believe a word he says. Even he is smart enough to know that every time he opens his mouth, he hears a cash register ring and that's good enough for him. Why let facts or research get in the way of all that money. Actually, it's really not Fat Mikey's fault, he's in it for the money. It's the moronic throngs that hang on his every word.

MM: We need to flotz the powerful fluffenfurst and shun dfkdf the ksdkjklw when Chimpy McMengala dfjasla Administration evil Rovemachine sdjaala!!!!

Sullen Moronic Throngs: Yeah, Mike! Tell it like it is! Fight the power, dude!

BI: Uh, he didn't make any sense.

SMT: Of course it doesn't make sense to a Chimp-lovin', proletariat-hatin' uberfascist!

BI: Huh? Okay, now my head hurts.

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BI Has A Conversation With A Taquito

BI: I love your crunchy exterior but could your meaty filling be any drier?

Taquito: Si Senor! Wait till you bite into mi amigo next to the guacamole.

BI: Hey, ever notice that Mexican food looks the same coming out as when it's going in?

Taquito: I'm just a simple taquito, Senor so I won't know until tomorrow morning. Hopefully I'm not so dry and crunchy, si?

BI: Somehow I doubt it.

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The Fly II

Fly: You know I regularly hang out on piles of shit, right.

Spider: Doesn't much matter to me. You're here now.

Fly: I live on shit, man! Doesn't that bother you in the slightest? I've been like marinating in shit!

Spider:

Fly: I'm serious. Come here and smell me. On second thought, just smell me from over there.

Bill: I'm sorry. I don't have the vaguest idea where this thing is going. Could someone please help me out here? My deepest apologies for this pile of crap.

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The Fly

Spider:

Fly: So, what's it like to have eight of those? Must be nice.

Spider: Yeah, stability's nice. Don't fall over much.

Fly: Can I go now?

Spider: Uh, no.

Update: Ironmike writes in comments:

"Could be redone as follows

Metrosexual Blue state psuedointellectual
Islamofascist

MBSP- Nice head scarf thingy, very world music. Power to the People!

IF-Thanks, it keeps the sweat out of my eyes and the lice out of my falafal.

MBSP- Well, maybe I'll see you at the antiwar rally?

IF-Depends on how well you see after I cut your head off. Bismallah!"

Way better than my fly thing. I hate when that happens.

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Wednesday, July 27, 2005

No One Is Linking Me And That Makes Me Sad

Please, everybody has to link me. Everybody!!! I'm getting like 5 hits a day which is down from like 100,000 a day I was getting before I temporarily quit blogging. It's very disheartening when no one is reading my brilliance.

Don't make me do anything rash. I swear to God I'll do something rash even if that means getting a rash. I have poison ivy in my backyard and I swear I'll roll in it. Don't push me people!

Update: Thanks, Matt! That link put off me giving myself a rash or doing something equally stupid for about a day. Links, people! LINKS!!!

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It's Hot Today. No Really.

Today is very hot. The heat index is 115. That's pretty hot if you ask me. How hot is it? It's so hot that the physical act of bringing a cigarette up to your mouth makes you pant and sweat. The physical act of trying not to do anything physical makes you sweat. The physical act of sweating makes you sweat. It's so hot that flies and mosquitoes are bitching about the heat. Actually walking to your car will make you pass out. One push-up could kill you. It's that hot. It's so hot that my pool water will give you second degree burns. It's not quite boiling but it's at a nice simmer. That's where it fools you. You think it's just a few ripples in the water but it's really simmering hot. Damn pool and it's simmery hotness.

My cats don't seem to mind the heat, however. Damn cats. Go figure.

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Stupid Rednecks Not So Stupid

Click to next image.
Heh.

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Gunner Palace

My brother did the soundtrack to this movie. The good news is it's mentioned in today's NRO. The bad news is that fatboy Michael Moore is using it in his bullshit film festival in Michigan. Apparently he's using it to show "the boring hopeless" that is Iraq.

Obviously I saw Gunner Palace and let me tell you, it's not an anti-war film by any stretch. It's a film about the soldiers told by the soldiers. Sure, some of them aren't crazy about being there. It's hot, dirty and dangerous. Some even come out against the war. That's their opinion and they have that right.

But the idea of Michael Moore using it as propaganda sickens me. Actually the whole idea of Michael Moore sickens me. Anyway, see the film and judge for yourself. You won't regret it.

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Monday, July 25, 2005

Unpleasant Thought Of The Day

There is nothing like the intermingling smell of cherry scented urinal cakes and shit.

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