Friday, August 05, 2005

Bring In The Gimp

That's right boys and girls, I have Gout again. Swollen big toe and it feels like it's broken. So I'm limping around work like an ass. Plus my new gas-guzzling SUV broke down so I can't drive and I can't walk. Now all I need is a nice big prostate infection and several doctors cramming their fingers up my ass and the weekend will be complete.

On the bright side it might mean some material since mostly I got nothing. My pain, your gain! God is good. I start blogging and he blesses me with an ailment and takes away my new truck. Thanks, God!!!

If anyone has any Vicodin, please send it to me. Vicodin and vodka are such a lovely combination. You know, it just occurred to me that I don't know where to get drugs anymore. No that I ever did drugs. Where's a dealer when you need one? I thought drugs were rampant in the US. Guess I'm just not in the cool crowd anymore. Oh, actually I never was. Man, I hated high school. And I never really talked to anyone in college. Bunch of fucking over-enthusiastic frat boys and sorority girls. You were nothing if you weren't in either a fraternity or a sorority. I FUCKING HATE CLUBS.

Some might argue that I hate clubs of any kind because I wasn't accepted into any. Not true. I think people who need to join a club to socialize are big fucking losers. 'Oooo, look at me! I've been accepted by Alpha Crappa Delta!! A bunch of other social retards have let me into their clique! Now I can wear a t-shirt that let's the world know I'm a fucking social retard!'

Where was I? Oh right, my toe really hurts.

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BI Talks Back To An Amnesty International Commercial

I saw the commercial this morning. It was a "diverse" bunch of children holding hands and singing.

Amnesty International Commercial: Imagine there's no weapons...

Me: Oh shut the fuck up...

AIC: Imagine there's no bombs...

Me: Oh, for Christ's sake, shut up...

AIC: Imagine there's no war...

Me: Bush and his friggin' war...he's killing dark-skinned children...that's what you fucks are implying...

AIC: Imagine all the children...not dying because of Chimpy McMengala's illegal war against the world's peaceful minorities who just want to live in harmony but can't because a couple of rich Republicans in America want to further line their pockets with oil money that could be going to feed us poor children!

Me: Imagine turning off the TV.

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Thursday, August 04, 2005

A Bleg...Seriously

Anyone know MS Access really well? This may be a stupid question but I don't care. I'm doing a tab form and I need each tab in the form to look at a different table. I know how to make one tab look at a particular table but then each form looks at that table. How do I get each tab to look at a different table? There's got to be a way.

Thank you in advance.

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Wednesday, August 03, 2005

And Jesus the Republican and Son of God (also a Republican) Wept

Jesus, you think you know someone. I mean really a Dem? I'm honestly crushed. I don't want to de-link her, I have to de-link her.

I mean really...being a communist is just too much.

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Pleistozillas In The Mist

Last night while I was mowing the lawn, I found a dinosaur. Not a live one, you idiot. Everyone knows they've been extinct for hundreds of years. It was nicely preserved, however. It was by all appearances a tiny Brachiosaurus because it's neck was really long. When I showed it to my wife, she disagreed. She thought it was a possum. She said that it's neck wasn't long, it's head was severed from it's body and was two feet away from the carcass giving it the appearance that it's neck was long.

But what does she know about dinosaurs. She of all people should know that I did most of my post-doctoral work studying the Pleistospleen era specifically and the "old times" in general. The Old Times was a magical time in Earth's history when extremely large reptilian mammals roamed the planet nearly 5000 years ago.

Interestingly, this particular Brachiosaurus had large teeth leading me to believe that it was also part Torontosaurus (so named because it roamed parts of Toronto and it's suburbs). Obviously this dinosaur's parents were a Brachiosaurus and a T-Rex. Offspring of these pairings are referred to as T-Franks. So I had stumbled upon the extremely rare T-Frank.

I was going to gather up his remains and send them to the Smithsonian Institution's special Old Timey Dinosaur division but unfortunately I ran over him with the mower and he's pretty badly mutilated. To the point where he looks a lot like a possum.

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Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Oooo, Taste The Saltiness And Crunchy Texture Of The Capers...

Apparently someone else watches as much Food Network as me. But I have to take exception to his fascination with Giada DeLaurentiis. Yes, her boobs are spectacular, but watch her long enough and you'll want to kick her in the teeth. Her huge, shiny, blindingly white teeth. And she never puts them away. She's always smiling. You get the feeling that if you were removing her kidneys with a broken bottle, she'd have that same honkin' smile.

You want great tits on a chef, check out these beauties!

Mmmmm...saggalicious!

Update: Remarkably, I somehow missed this famous big-titted chef.

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Confessions...

My wife doesn't bother balancing our checkbook.

There, I've said it.

Scandalous, I know.

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Monday, August 01, 2005

Ruminating On Urinating

Have you ever peed and it comes out in two streams - one stream is going in the toilet and the other is going on the floor? What's up with that? How does that happen? There's not a whole lot you can do about it because it's not your aim. It's that mutant second stream that's going all over the floor. I usually try the stop and re-start method. Sometimes it works and you get one well-aimed pee stream but other times, it comes out in the same freaky two streams. In that case, the only thing you can do is clean up the floor.

Unless you're in a public bathroom and then really, who cares.

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Islamakazis

Mark Steyn on Britain essentially funding terrorism:

"Omar, who was last seen vaulting a barrier at Warren Street station, has been the registered occupant of the flat since 1999. Ibrahim, who was last seen in Hackney Road, East London, after his failed attempt to blow up a No. 26 bus, shared it with him for the past two years. Omar, received £88 a week in housing benefit to pay for the council property and also received income support, immigration officials say."

So here's how things stand four years after 9/11: United Kingdom taxpayers are subsidizing the jihad.

There's a cheery thought for any Englishman the next time he's on a bus when some Islamakazi self-detonates: It's on his tax bill; pay as you blow.

And...

These days, if an American business traveler lands at Heathrow, the immigration officer plunks down in his passport a big stamp saying ''RECOURSE TO PUBLIC FUNDS PROHIBITED.'' What a pathetic example of pointless gesture politics: If you're a fancypants executive in town for 48 hours to splash a ton of hard currency around the West End, British immigration goes through a big hoop-de-do about saying you've no entitlement to welfare. But if you're a Somali and you want to live in public housing at public expense for six years while you fine-tune your plot to blow up Warren Street Tube station, pas de probleme!

Read it all.

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The War That's Not Really A War But Is Actually A War And Can't Be Called A War Because It Might Make People Think About War

Andrew McCarthy renames the War on Terror:

Let's call it "The Thing Involving the Teeny-Tiny Number of People Who Made Certain Things Go Boom After Reading that Book that We Didn't Flush and Who Absolutely, Positively Do Not Represent the Vast, Enormous Majority of Very, Very Nice People Who Read the Same Book Without Making Anything Go Boom."

A little wordy but 75% less offensive than that pesky "war on terror" moniker.

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