Friday, August 19, 2005

More Public Bathroom Observations

What is it about the wall directly above a urinal that compels grown men to decorate it with thier own boogers? I mean really, what makes you think I want to look at snot while I pee? And the worst part about it is - there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing. You can't pick them off with your hands. How disgusting is that? And you can't even get some toilet paper and pick them off because as everyone knows, booger cooties go right through toilet paper. Sadly, all you can do is stand there peeing and try not to look at the booger the whole time you pee. Unfortunately, there's not much else to look at so your eyes occasionally wander back to the booger. So you stand there peeing, staring at the booger and thinking about CIndy Sheehan.

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I'm A Doctor, Jim, Not A Trek-Lovin' Pedophile!

I knew the whole trekkie thing was creepy.

The New Scholarship on Star Trek and Pedophilia: 'Don't Let Her Touch Your Wand, Jim!' In May, Yale cyberlaw expert Ernest Miller noticed an astonishing tidbit in a Los Angeles Times story on the Toronto police Sex Crimes Unit's pursuit of pedophiles:

All but one of the [over 100] offenders they have arrested in the last four years was a hard-core Trekkie.

Why am I not surprised.

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Rove Linked To Miller Stroke

A source close to the Administration has confirmed that two aides to Karl Rove were in California near the home of Shirley Miller, the mother of Cindy Sheehan who's son was killed in Iraq last year. It is not immediately clear if or how the aides caused Miller's stroke.

It is clear that Sheehan has become a glaring nuisance to the President as he vacations in Crawford, Texas. An incident, like Miller's stroke, surely helps Bush, effectively killing the momentum of the rally at the Crawford ditch. While Sheehan has vowed to be back in the next few days, her supporters are already becoming bored, having run out of pot on Tuesday.

Rove Responsible?

Karl Rove, mastermind behind the Bush victory in 2004, very likely took it upon himself (through his aides) to poison Miller, although this can't be confirmed. Despite his recent problems with Plamegate, Rove is intensely loyal to the President and this is exactly the sort of situation he is good at diffusing. Rove could not be reached for comment. A spokesperson for Cindy Sheehan commenting from the ditch said, "If it wasn't Rove or Bush or the person who picks up his dogs***t, then it's got to be the f*****g Jews".

Developing...

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Thursday, August 18, 2005

Cindy Sheehan

Cindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy Sheehan

In conclusion, Cindy Sheehan.

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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Dear Scabby Returns! Unfortunately

Thanks to moron and masochist, Wolf, I have decided to resurrect Dear Scabby. Not only is Wolf's question stupid, it's also an age-old question. And really, there's nothing worse than a stupid, age-old question. And that's why Scabby decided to take a stab at it. Thanks Wolf!

Wolfie writes:

Dear Scabby,

Why do donuts have holes?


See what I mean? Really, who gives a fuck. But I'll try to answer it anyway. Since this is an official "age-old" question, naturally people have been asking this for centuries, possibly even decades. Here's why doughnuts have holes.

A sea captain named Hanson Gregory (no relation to either that crap band or the actor Peck) was trying to eat a fried cake which was popular back in the old days. Capt. Gregory was trying to steer the ship and eat the cake at the same time because he was a pig and a very thoughtless driver, not unlike people on cell phones today.

Capt. Gregory kept crashing into the other ships because he was paying more attention to his fucking fried cake than to the other ships. So, Capt. Gregory stuck the cake onto a spoke on the boat's steering wheel, thus accidentally creating the first doughnut. After that Capt. Gregory told his cook to make his fried cakes with holes so he could keep eating his cakes while he drove, thus causing several more boating accidents.

Interestingly, Gregory didn't die in one of his many boating accidents, he died of chronic heart disease brought on by all the fucking doughnuts. Serves the pig bastard right.

Hope that answers your question. Keep 'em coming!

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Tackling The Important Issues

Despite his Canadian-ness, Mark Steyn is quite possibly my favorite political writer. He writes constantly about the War, the wacky left and the even wackier UN among other topics. But he's yet to write about the pickle shortage.

We're waiting Mr. Steyn.

I'm not letting go of this pickle shortage story. It's just too important. Not just to me, but to my 11 readers. I'll always be there for you, guys! Tackling the important issues.

Update: How come there's never a zucchini shortage? Or a beet shortage for that matter? No, it has to be pickles. Possibly the perfect food. I smell a conspiracy here.

Developing...

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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Where Have You Gone, Pedro Piper

I'm not crazy about it but I can deal with $2.50 per gallon gas prices but really, a pickle shortage? That's just too much.

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