Thursday, August 25, 2005

Another Failed Business Venture IV

Billco Copying, Inc.

My first customer...

Me: Good afternoon! How can I help you?

Customer: I need 50 copies of this 22 page document.

Me: No problemo! Let's see, that's 50 times 22...which is 1100 pages. Anything else I can do for you?

Customer: No, that ought to do it.

Me: Okay, that'll be $5500 at $5 a page and you can pick this up in about six weeks.

Customer: What? That's outrageous!

Me: Sir, we do authentic copying at Billco. Everything is done by hand. I have 11 Indonesian children in the back working very hard to learn their letters. Where are you going? Hey paper and crayons are included in the cost...

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Stuff

*Good news about the Iraqi Constitution from the NY Times? Yep.

*Cindy - Bad News for Democrats? Yep.

If Bush did invite Cindy for coffee and little "dialogue":

[Bush]: "Cream and sugar?"

[Sheehan]: "Yes, please, filth-spewer."


*Oops. Nix that NY Times thing above.

*Cindy Sheehan: Supergenius!

From the Same article, an interview between Sheehan and ABC's Mark Knoller:

Knoller: You know that the president says Iraq is the central front in the war on terrorism. Don't you believe that?

Sheehan: No, because it's not true. You know Iraq was no threat to the United States of America until we invaded. I mean they're not even a threat to the United States of America. Iraq was not involved in 9/11, Iraq was not a terrorist state. But now that we have decimated the country, the borders are open, freedom fighters from other countries are going in, and they have created more terrorism by going to an Islamic country, devastating the country, and killing innocent people in that country. The terrorism is growing and people who never thought of being car bombers or suicide bombers are now doing it because they want the United States of America out of their country.
[Emphasis mostly mine]

So Cindy, terrorism is growing in Iraq but it's not the central front on terrorism? Where is the central front? Wisconsin? Denmark? But even better, she says, "...freedom fighters [sigh] from other countries...are now doing it because they want the United States out their country". Which country do they want us out of, Cindy? Iran? Syria? Couldn't be Iraq because these "freedom fighters" are from another country.

Okay, Cindy just made my head hurt so I have to stop now. Is it too early for a shot and a beer?

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Where's The Friggin' Bleat?

Seriously. I've come to expect a Bleat Monday through Friday. Well, it's Thursday and there's no Thursday Bleat. And if that's not bad enough, I'm pretty Sure Mr. Lileks was drunk when he wrote today's Backfence. Makes no sense at all. None.

Print people are low enough in the media food chain to be consumed whole by cable-access polka instructors. Don't make me put on the Don Shelby mask again and start singing show tunes.

What does that mean? I know he's talking about the Minnesota State fair so maybe it's me - not being from Minnesota and not frequenting State fairs.

Me, I always wander over to the fiberglass statue of the Gopher dressed up in a carny-barker's costume, complete with '60s hues...

Tell me he's not drunk? The reason I don't go to Fairs is the freaks. And I don't mean the ones you pay to see. Did I ever tell you about the time I was at the Bronx Zoo and there was this guy who had no arms...but he did have fingers. How, you ask? They were growing out of his shoulders. Two of them. That was freaky enough but it gets better. First of all, he was wearing a tank top - fly that freak flag, baby!!!

And...

HE WAS WEARING A RING ON EACH FINGER!! Bling! Oh yeah! You go girlfriend!

I know I shouldn't be making fun of handicapped people. And they have as much right as anyone to go see the silly monkeys but is it too much to ask to put the freaky fingers away for a few hours? He was more interesting than than any animal I saw that day and I was fortunate enough to see a male monkey forcibly rape a female monkey and then steal her banana. I was going to report it to the zoo authorities but got distracted by Fingerboy.

My point is, I dislike state fairs because of it's high freak population and really, zoos aren't much better what with the armless, finger people and the monkey rape but it's unconscionable that Lileks not write the Thursday Bleat and then write the Backfence while he's stinking drunk.

Update: Please disregard this whole post.

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Most Of You Won't Care About This But I Don't Care If You Don't Care Because I Care

BRAC Votes to Keep NAS Oceana Open

The federal Defense Base Realignment and Closure Commission (BRAC) voted today to maintain the Navy's master jet base at NAS Oceana if the cities of Virginia Beach and Chesapeake and the state pass legislation and appropriate money by March 2006 to stop encroachment and reverse development within the base's highest accident-potential zone.

Commenting on the decision, Mayor Meyera E. Oberndorf said, "The BRAC has given us a difficult assignment. However, I am committed, and I believe the rest of City Council is as well, to keeping NAS Oceana as the East Coast master jet base. With our partners – the Commonwealth of Virginia, the City of Chesapeake and our General Assembly and congressional delegations – we will attempt to fulfill the assignments given to us."

City Council will be considering the BRAC's directives in the coming days.


Virginia Beach relies heavily on Oceana Naval Air Station economically and couldn't afford to lose it. But as usual, the City Council wanted it both ways - keep Oceana but also increase the tax base by over-developing around the base which prohibits training and is also dangerous for those neighborhoods near the base. Not to mention the jackasses who moved close to the base and then bitched and moaned about the jet noise (uh, you moved next door to a master jet base, hence the jets, hence the jet noise).

It was almost a good thing that BRAC put Oceana on it's list. It forced the greedy bastards on the city council to remove their collective head from their collective ass.

In conclusion, I LOVE JET NOISE!!

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Fuzzywuzzywuza...

Bear.

When Timothy Treadwell, a boyish-looking minor eco-celebrity, went on Letterman in 2001 to tell the world how he spent a substantial portion of his time living in the Alaskan wild, an arm's length from foraging grizzly bears, Dave asked the obvious question. "Is it possible we'll open the paper one day and see you've been eaten by these bears?"

The audience roared. Treadwell looked genuinely taken aback by the suggestion.

"No," he stammered.

At the end of his 13th summer among the bears, federal park rangers found the majority of Treadwell, and his girlfriend Amie Huguenard, in the gastrointestinal tract of a male grizzly.


Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think? A little too ironic?

And a whole lotta hilarious.

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And The Lord God Said, "Thou Shalt Not Kill, Unless Of Course Thou Art Killing A South American Dictator"

Being from Virginia Beach, I couldn't be more proud.

Pat Robertson: Saying dumbass shit and keeping Virginia Beach on the map since 1960. What would we do without him?

Thanks, Pat!

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Another Failed Business Venture III

The Urinal Cake!

It's bold, it's cutting edge, it's sorta gross! The kids'll love it! It's a snack cake shaped just like a urinal cake. The icing is the same color as a urinal cake - a little tinge of yellow for realism, but it's got a sponge cake, fruit-filled center. What's not to like, really?

The packaging? It'll say, "The Urinal Cake" in Bold letters on the wrapper and underneath that it'll say, "It's Peeeeeeeliscious!".

Hostess doesn't seem to think it's such a great idea so I'm going to try Tastee Kake. They're not returning my calls though.

Okay, how about A PILE OF CRAP? It's a chocolate cake shaped like a pile of crap! The slogan: Eat shit and smile!!

Anybody?

No?

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Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Bill Talks To Retards

Just had this conversation about 15 minutes ago...

Retard: Dude, look at my arm hair. It's like white.

Me: Uh huh.

Retard: But it was black in the winter.

Me: Uh huh. Well, looks like you got some sun so I'm sure that's it.

Retard: Yeah, that's probably it. So it'll turn black again in the winter?

Me (annoyed): I don't know. I guess. I'm not really an expert on arm hair as it relates to the seasons.

Retard: It'll probably turn black again. Arm hair doesn't shed, does it?

Me: (ready to punch him in the face): Not that I'm aware of.

Retard: Cool, Dude! See ya around.

I'm a fucking magnet with them.

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BI Talks To His Half-eaten Cheesesteak Sandwich

BI: Jesus, you're fucking messy.

Cheesesteak Sandwich: That's it, blame it on me, Pigboy.

Yes, I will continue to rip off Jeff Goldstein. Who's going to stop me?

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Monday, August 22, 2005

Another Failed Business Venture II

Bill's Discount Ice Cream

Everyone loves the ice cream man, right? How could this fail? Well, I decided to sell ice cream out of the trunk of my car for starters. Screw the expensive refrigeration equipment, I said. Then I can pass the savings on to the children! Turns out, like sushi, refrigeration is key to the ice cream business.

It's seems so obvious now. I should probably reconsider my piss-warm beer concession idea.

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Another Failed Business Venture

Bill's Discount Sushi

I was going to buy the fish cheap from a bait shop and then make the rolls and sell them at a roadside stand at half the price of regular sushi. But the thought of low-quality raw fish rotting in the hot sun struck some people as a little off-putting.

In retropect, they were probably right. It was a really bad idea.

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Disturbing Thought Of the day

Say this to yourself over and over again today and let me know if your day was better or worse because of it.

When I'm masturbating the only time I can come is if I have a lint brush stuck in my ass.

Now go say it to your boss. Tell me his response in the comments.

(via Paul who is back with a new identity. It didn't work for Prince although you're no Prince. I've never met you though so for all I know you are a gay black midget with a decent falsetto)

Welcome back. Now make me laugh, fuckface.

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