Thursday, September 01, 2005

RunRun RunRun RunRun Awaaaaaay (Psycho Killer)

Sweet Alice is running in the Rock and Roll half marathon this weekend. And while I'm very proud of her, I'm already exhausted just thinking about watching her. I don't run. I don't really move that much and the not moving has served me well. I'm still at my fighting weight of 185 (I'm 5'11 and extremely handsome as well). Not bad for never doing anything, huh? I'm blessed with a good metabolism. Okay, I don't really fight either.

Who runs 13 miles on purpose? I mean I know lots of people do it, I just don't understand why? The only way you'd ever get me to run is if you were chasing me with a chainsaw or some other deadly horror movie instrument. And even then I'd only make it about 50 to 100 feet before I gave up and and just let him carve me up. That's how much I don't like running.

In conclusion, give whatever you can to the victims of Katrina. God knows they need it. But make sure it doesn't go to any of those looting bastards. If you're going to give anything to them, it should be a bullet in the back of the head. Oh, and while I'm on the wrong subject, read this heartwarming tale (okay, it was on the FOX News website but now it's gone and I don't have a link so I'm paraphrasing:

One cop arrested a man for killing his sister over a bag of ice. It says a lot about the situation down there. Is cannibalism far behind?

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Tuesday, August 30, 2005

What's In A Name

Well, there's idiocy for one thing. Some really bad store names make you cringe, some make you roll your eyes and some make you laugh inspite of yourself. Examples?

Shear Perfection
Hair Today
Manely Hair
Curl Up and Dye (what???)
Boys and Curls

Gift Shops
Thistle Do Nicely
Chainstore Massacre

Squid Roe
Cheeses of Nazareth
Rhythm & Booze
Wok this Way
The Codfather

And finally...

Thong in Cheek

I apologize in advance for this post.

But if anyone has anything better (or worse), leave it in comments. Not that they work.

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Clinton's The Man?

I must say, after having been beaten senseless with Cindy! Sheehan for the past month, he kind of has a point.

It's certainly sensible to debate the Bush administration's success in Iraq, a war that won't be over any time soon, but the notion of a 1960s revival of marching and charging in the streets is simply naïve. The prof's exultation at 60 protesters in a small town is understandable, but it doesn't strike me as a harbinger of greater demonstrations to come. To state the obvious, there's no military draft today, and anybody who believes that the students who shut down colleges more than 30 years ago weren't acting out of self-interest are deceiving themselves. [Emphasis mine]

Here's an inconvenient reminder to those mired in the distant past. The huge Vietnam protests, some of which numbered a half million attendees, were a lot of fun for college students and those of us in high school. You got to cut class, meet up with buddies and smoke joints, scope the crowd for easy chicks, and call cops "pigs." Had the frightening specter of a letter from the draft board not existed, the numbers would've been minuscule, although still dwarfing today's extravaganzas.


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Who Gets To Pick The Music To Commercials?

Clearly, not me. Here's my commercial for the new 2006 GMC Jimmy.

Cue music: (The Who's Dr. Jimmy)

Laugh and say I'm green
I've seen things you'll never see.
Talk behind my back
But I'm off the beaten track.

Narrator: And you'll be off the beaten track in the new, fully loaded 2006 GMC Jimmy!

I'll take on anyone
Ain't scared of a bloody nose,
Drink till I drop down
With one eye on my clothes.

Don't drink and drive. And always keep at least one eye on the road.

What is it? I'll take it.
Who is she? I'll rape it.
Got a bet there? I'll meet it.
Getting High? You can't beat it.

Doctor Jimmy and mister Jim
When I'm pilled you don't notice him,
He only comes out when I drink my gin.

With optional on-demand, 4-wheel drive and a Vortec V-6 engine, you'll be fully prepared for off-roading fun as you rape Mother Earth!

You say she's a virgin.
I'm gonna be the first in.
Her fellah's gonna kill me?
Oh fucking will he.

So be the "first in" to your nearest GMC dealer!

(Tax, title, pills, tags, gin and virgins not included. See dealer for details.)

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Monday, August 29, 2005

Katrina And The 28 foot Storm Surge

Dear New Orleans,

I want you to know that I'm praying for you. I hope you get through this with as little destruction and loss of life as possible. That said, New Orleans, by all reports, you're fucked. You are Katrina's little bitch and Katrina is a large bull dyke with a baseball bat-sized strap-on. You are strapped to a table and Katrina is taking her pants off. She has no vaseline.

I'm not trying to be insensitive, New Orleans. It's just that, well, IT"S FUCKING RAINING IN THE SUPERDOME!

Good luck, New Orleans.



Related story: When the Levee Breaks

Update: "I'm not doing too good right now," Chris Robinson said via cellphone from his home east of the city's downtown. "The water's rising pretty fast. I got a hammer and an ax and a crowbar, but I'm holding off on breaking through the roof until the last minute. Tell someone to come get me please. I want to live."


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Overheard At Work

Chick: Man, this is delicious.

Guy: Yeah, well I believe my celery sticks are morally superior to your strawberry cheese danish!

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