tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38488432011-04-21T21:25:55.729-04:00Bloviating Inanities<b>Mission Statement:</b> The goal of this blog is to bring nonsense, poor logic, potty humor, lackluster
and poorly thought-out political commentary and whiny psuedo-intellectual musings to as many people as possible. I'm not sure why I want to do this since for the most part I hate people. Taking that last
statement to it's logical conclusion - I hate you. But thanks for stopping by.Billnoreply@blogger.comBlogger3991100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1129232960603887462005-10-13T15:43:00.000-04:002005-10-13T15:49:20.606-04:00Bird Flu Strikes TurkeyNow that's funny. And it couldn't happen to a nicer country.Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1126416634515449382005-09-11T01:06:00.000-04:002005-09-11T01:30:34.520-04:00My Crappy Dining Room ChandelierOkay, that didn't work. Either I'm too tall or the fucking dining room ceiling is too short but I ended up standing there with a chord around my neck and a big tick bite on my arm. The Cancer mocks me. I've decided that I'll kill myself tomorrow in the sun room where there are 15 foot ceilings and the ceiling fan is a little more stable. Tonight I'll sleep and Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1126415181611325372005-09-11T00:42:00.000-04:002005-09-11T01:06:21.616-04:00Nothing To See Here, Ignore Bill's Puss, Keep Moving...I'm pretty sure I have Arm Cancer. Silly? Let me explain. First I got a pinced nerve on my left neck, shoulder and arm and my hand went numb occasionally. That was fine except it started happening a lot. My hand was numb and I couldn't lift my head. Then something happened to my elbow - Elbow Cancer. The muscles and joints started Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1125607902084981332005-09-01T16:04:00.000-04:002005-09-01T16:51:42.090-04:00RunRun RunRun RunRun Awaaaaaay (Psycho Killer)Sweet Alice is running in the Rock and Roll half marathon this weekend. And while I'm very proud of her, I'm already exhausted just thinking about watching her. I don't run. I don't really move that much and the not moving has served me well. I'm still at my fighting weight of 185 (I'm 5'11 and extremely handsome as well). Not bad for never doingBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1125430383333212142005-08-30T15:20:00.000-04:002005-08-30T15:34:34.590-04:00What's In A NameWell, there's idiocy for one thing. Some really bad store names make you cringe, some make you roll your eyes and some make you laugh inspite of yourself. Examples? SalonsShear PerfectionHair Today Manely HairCurl Up and Dye (what???)Boys and CurlsGift ShopsThistle Do NicelyOmnipresentsChainstore Massacre RestaurantsSquid RoeCheeses of Nazareth Rhythm & Booze Wok this WayThe Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1125419720892993672005-08-30T12:27:00.000-04:002005-08-30T12:35:20.896-04:00Clinton's The Man?I must say, after having been beaten senseless with Cindy! Sheehan for the past month, he kind of has a point. It's certainly sensible to debate the Bush administration's success in Iraq, a war that won't be over any time soon, but the notion of a 1960s revival of marching and charging in the streets is simply naïve. The prof's exultation at 60 protesters in a small town is Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1125414263893451052005-08-30T10:48:00.000-04:002005-08-30T11:11:03.173-04:00Who Gets To Pick The Music To Commercials?Clearly, not me. Here's my commercial for the new 2006 GMC Jimmy. Cue music: (The Who's Dr. Jimmy)Laugh and say I'm greenI've seen things you'll never see.Talk behind my backBut I'm off the beaten track.Narrator: And you'll be off the beaten track in the new, fully loaded 2006 GMC Jimmy!I'll take on anyoneAin't scared of a bloody nose,Drink till I dropBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1125329538262061622005-08-29T11:20:00.000-04:002005-08-29T14:04:37.673-04:00Katrina And The 28 foot Storm SurgeDear New Orleans, I want you to know that I'm praying for you. I hope you get through this with as little destruction and loss of life as possible. That said, New Orleans, by all reports, you're fucked. You are Katrina's little bitch and Katrina is a large bull dyke with a baseball bat-sized strap-on. You are strapped to a table and Katrina is taking her Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1125326609644632082005-08-29T10:41:00.000-04:002005-08-29T10:43:29.653-04:00Overheard At WorkChick: Man, this is delicious. Guy: Yeah, well I believe my celery sticks are morally superior to your strawberry cheese danish!Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124996795791781172005-08-25T14:57:00.000-04:002005-08-25T15:09:09.940-04:00Another Failed Business Venture IVBillco Copying, Inc. My first customer...Me: Good afternoon! How can I help you? Customer: I need 50 copies of this 22 page document. Me: No problemo! Let's see, that's 50 times 22...which is 1100 pages. Anything else I can do for you? Customer: No, that ought to do it. Me: Okay, that'll be $5500 at $5 a page and you can pick this up in about six weeks.Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124990454865518992005-08-25T12:49:00.000-04:002005-08-25T13:25:31.793-04:00Stuff*Good news about the Iraqi Constitution from the NY Times? Yep. *Cindy - Bad News for Democrats? Yep. If Bush did invite Cindy for coffee and little "dialogue":[Bush]: "Cream and sugar?"[Sheehan]: "Yes, please, filth-spewer."*Oops. Nix that NY Times thing above. *Cindy Sheehan: Supergenius!From the Same article, an interview between Sheehan and ABC's Mark Knoller:Knoller: You know that Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124981489256013702005-08-25T10:18:00.000-04:002005-08-25T11:13:12.500-04:00Where's The Friggin' Bleat?Seriously. I've come to expect a Bleat Monday through Friday. Well, it's Thursday and there's no Thursday Bleat. And if that's not bad enough, I'm pretty Sure Mr. Lileks was drunk when he wrote today's Backfence. Makes no sense at all. None. Print people are low enough in the media food chain to be consumed whole by cable-access polka instructors. Don't make me Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124912936914596572005-08-24T15:39:00.000-04:002005-08-24T16:24:15.160-04:00Most Of You Won't Care About This But I Don't Care If You Don't Care Because I CareBRAC Votes to Keep NAS Oceana OpenThe federal Defense Base Realignment and Closure Commission (BRAC) voted today to maintain the Navy's master jet base at NAS Oceana if the cities of Virginia Beach and Chesapeake and the state pass legislation and appropriate money by March 2006 to stop encroachment and reverse Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124902695873893082005-08-24T12:55:00.000-04:002005-08-24T12:58:15.876-04:00Fuzzywuzzywuza...Bear.When Timothy Treadwell, a boyish-looking minor eco-celebrity, went on Letterman in 2001 to tell the world how he spent a substantial portion of his time living in the Alaskan wild, an arm's length from foraging grizzly bears, Dave asked the obvious question. "Is it possible we'll open the paper one day and see you've been eaten by these bears?" The audience roared. TreadwellBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124899160589149712005-08-24T11:47:00.000-04:002005-08-24T11:59:20.596-04:00And The Lord God Said, "Thou Shalt Not Kill, Unless Of Course Thou Art Killing A South American Dictator" Being from Virginia Beach, I couldn't be more proud. Pat Robertson: Saying dumbass shit and keeping Virginia Beach on the map since 1960. What would we do without him? Thanks, Pat!Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124895189081595362005-08-24T10:40:00.000-04:002005-08-24T10:53:09.086-04:00Another Failed Business Venture IIIThe Urinal Cake!It's bold, it's cutting edge, it's sorta gross! The kids'll love it! It's a snack cake shaped just like a urinal cake. The icing is the same color as a urinal cake - a little tinge of yellow for realism, but it's got a sponge cake, fruit-filled center. What's not to like, really? The packaging? It'll say, "The Urinal Cake" in Bold letters Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124822084535065692005-08-23T14:26:00.000-04:002005-08-23T14:35:22.356-04:00Bill Talks To RetardsJust had this conversation about 15 minutes ago...Retard: Dude, look at my arm hair. It's like white. Me: Uh huh. Retard: But it was black in the winter. Me: Uh huh. Well, looks like you got some sun so I'm sure that's it. Retard: Yeah, that's probably it. So it'll turn black again in the winter? Me (annoyed): I don't know. I guess. I'm not really an expert onBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124820461652258502005-08-23T14:04:00.000-04:002005-08-23T14:07:41.656-04:00BI Talks To His Half-eaten Cheesesteak SandwichBI: Jesus, you're fucking messy. Cheesesteak Sandwich: That's it, blame it on me, Pigboy. Yes, I will continue to rip off Jeff Goldstein. Who's going to stop me?Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124736873270507512005-08-22T14:46:00.000-04:002005-08-22T15:09:06.116-04:00Another Failed Business Venture IIBill's Discount Ice Cream Everyone loves the ice cream man, right? How could this fail? Well, I decided to sell ice cream out of the trunk of my car for starters. Screw the expensive refrigeration equipment, I said. Then I can pass the savings on to the children! Turns out, like sushi, refrigeration is key to the ice cream business. It's seems so obvious Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124725533713964992005-08-22T11:41:00.000-04:002005-08-22T11:45:33.720-04:00Another Failed Business VentureBill's Discount SushiI was going to buy the fish cheap from a bait shop and then make the rolls and sell them at a roadside stand at half the price of regular sushi. But the thought of low-quality raw fish rotting in the hot sun struck some people as a little off-putting. In retropect, they were probably right. It was a really bad idea.Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124722323603418692005-08-22T10:44:00.000-04:002005-08-22T10:53:06.316-04:00Disturbing Thought Of the daySay this to yourself over and over again today and let me know if your day was better or worse because of it. When I'm masturbating the only time I can come is if I have a lint brush stuck in my ass. Now go say it to your boss. Tell me his response in the comments. (via Paul who is back with a new identity. It didn't work for Prince although you're no Prince. Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124474687036500292005-08-19T13:55:00.000-04:002005-08-19T14:04:47.043-04:00More Public Bathroom ObservationsWhat is it about the wall directly above a urinal that compels grown men to decorate it with thier own boogers? I mean really, what makes you think I want to look at snot while I pee? And the worst part about it is - there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing. You can't pick them off with your hands. How disgusting is that? And you can't even get some Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124471429099613422005-08-19T13:02:00.000-04:002005-08-19T13:42:29.400-04:00I'm A Doctor, Jim, Not A Trek-Lovin' Pedophile!I knew the whole trekkie thing was creepy.The New Scholarship on Star Trek and Pedophilia: 'Don't Let Her Touch Your Wand, Jim!' In May, Yale cyberlaw expert Ernest Miller noticed an astonishing tidbit in a Los Angeles Times story on the Toronto police Sex Crimes Unit's pursuit of pedophiles: All but one of the [over 100] offenders they have arrestedBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124462911696559412005-08-19T10:21:00.000-04:002005-08-19T10:48:31.703-04:00Rove Linked To Miller StrokeA source close to the Administration has confirmed that two aides to Karl Rove were in California near the home of Shirley Miller, the mother of Cindy Sheehan who's son was killed in Iraq last year. It is not immediately clear if or how the aides caused Miller's stroke. It is clear that Sheehan has become a glaring nuisance to the President as he vacations in Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124382077838811832005-08-18T12:19:00.000-04:002005-08-18T12:21:17.843-04:00Cindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanCindy SheehanIn conclusion, Cindy Sheehan.Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124308524678910162005-08-17T15:34:00.000-04:002005-08-17T15:55:24.686-04:00Dear Scabby Returns! UnfortunatelyThanks to moron and masochist, Wolf, I have decided to resurrect Dear Scabby. Not only is Wolf's question stupid, it's also an age-old question. And really, there's nothing worse than a stupid, age-old question. And that's why Scabby decided to take a stab at it. Thanks Wolf!Wolfie writes:Dear Scabby,Why do donuts have holes?See what I mean? Really, who Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124293153110230152005-08-17T11:24:00.000-04:002005-08-17T11:42:00.486-04:00Tackling The Important Issues Despite his Canadian-ness, Mark Steyn is quite possibly my favorite political writer. He writes constantly about the War, the wacky left and the even wackier UN among other topics. But he's yet to write about the pickle shortage. We're waiting Mr. Steyn. I'm not letting go of this pickle shortage story. It's just too important. Not just to me, but to my 11 Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1124200072386698272005-08-16T09:44:00.000-04:002005-08-16T09:47:52.390-04:00Where Have You Gone, Pedro PiperI'm not crazy about it but I can deal with $2.50 per gallon gas prices but really, a pickle shortage? That's just too much.Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123904661004481452005-08-12T23:30:00.000-04:002005-08-12T23:44:21.010-04:00BI Reviews Popular Reality ShowsToday: Being Bobby Brown Being Bobby freakin' Brown???How about Being Casey SheehanWatch him spin in his grave...Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123902474930481222005-08-12T22:57:00.000-04:002005-08-12T23:15:23.596-04:00More ClarityHave you ever blamed your cat for leaving a burn-hole in the couch? Me too! My wife pointed out that they don't have thumbs so it would be impossible for them to light a cigarette and then fall asleep on the couch. Cats have a lot more cigarette-lighting ability than we give them credit for. When they set their mind to something, it's amazing what they can accomplish. One of my Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123901391504245092005-08-12T22:17:00.000-04:002005-08-12T22:53:14.936-04:00Clarity Did an ashe or something ever get in your glass and you're trying to get it out but it's really on the bottom of the glass and you're too drunk to realize it and you keep reaching into the glass to try to get the little friggin' thing out but it's not in your drink but on the bottom of the glass? Me too!!! I was just doing that and I realized it wasn't in the actual glass but on the Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123880249972633232005-08-12T16:55:00.000-04:002005-08-12T16:57:29.973-04:00Broken Cars, Broken Promises...If you're ever in Virginia and your car breaks down, you might want to avoid this place. Just sayin'.Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123873854714485252005-08-12T14:56:00.000-04:002005-08-12T17:05:06.470-04:00Joan d'CrawfordI think what Cindy Sheehan is doing is incredibly brave. She is standing up to the President, the Secret Service, the FBI, the CIA and the entire US Military. Someone recently compared her to the guy who took on the tank in Tiananman Square. That only scratches the surface. I'd compare her to Anne Frank who took on the Holocaust and those people who perpetrated it. Or Joan ofBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123859135412998602005-08-12T11:01:00.000-04:002005-08-12T11:10:16.420-04:00He's Around Here Somewhere, Damnit!Paul's lurking around in Blogdom. I hate when he's all cryptic though. Someone who has more time than me, please go find him. And slap him around a little when you do. Last seen here. Prick.Update: I don't really have an update, I just think it looks really cool and journalistical when you have Update in bold at the end of a post.Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123785365659405682005-08-11T14:34:00.000-04:002005-08-11T14:36:05.666-04:00File Under: Really?!?Salespeople lie. Honest.Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123705042165368812005-08-10T16:14:00.000-04:002005-08-10T16:17:22.170-04:00Quote Of The DayGen. Norman Swarzkopf when some jackass in the media asked him a stupid question about whether we should show forgivenesss towards those who harbored terrorists:"I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting." Oh ho!!Or not...Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123703153598311572005-08-10T15:30:00.000-04:002005-08-10T15:50:09.110-04:00Billy Bitches Part IIA couple of months ago I was in an accident and totalled my car, totally. Here's what happened - it was pouring rain and this stupid, stupid little girl decided to stop when the light turned yellow. She slams on her brakes, and naturally I slam on mine but I don't stop and plow into her. My car looks like an accordian and her's has a nick on the back bumper. No one is Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123701634488810472005-08-10T15:02:00.000-04:002005-08-10T15:26:07.076-04:00Billy BitchesI promised so here it is...I bought an SUV from a friend of a friend. This guy purchased a really good extended warrantee. So good so far. The other day I start up the car and it immediately stalls. I try this a few more times, same result. Fine, I get it towed to the dealership. The service guy calls and tells me the damage - $550. I ask if it'll be covered under the Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123621050135438642005-08-09T16:53:00.000-04:002005-08-09T16:57:30.140-04:00You All Suck15 fucking hits today?? I mean really, people. I don't know why I even bother. Maybe that's the problem. I haven't bothered in three days to write anything. Well, wait till tomorrow. I had a really shitty day today and I plan on bitching about it tomorrow. Stay tuned. Or not. I don't really care anymore.Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123273068324275472005-08-05T15:57:00.000-04:002005-08-05T16:19:35.286-04:00Bring In The GimpThat's right boys and girls, I have Gout again. Swollen big toe and it feels like it's broken. So I'm limping around work like an ass. Plus my new gas-guzzling SUV broke down so I can't drive and I can't walk. Now all I need is a nice big prostate infection and several doctors cramming their fingers up my ass and the weekend will be complete. On the bright side it might meanBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123246094549296612005-08-05T08:39:00.000-04:002005-08-05T08:49:24.426-04:00BI Talks Back To An Amnesty International CommercialI saw the commercial this morning. It was a "diverse" bunch of children holding hands and singing. Amnesty International Commercial: Imagine there's no weapons...Me: Oh shut the fuck up... AIC: Imagine there's no bombs...Me: Oh, for Christ's sake, shut up...AIC: Imagine there's no war...Me: Bush and his friggin' war...he's killing Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123168503956976872005-08-04T11:11:00.000-04:002005-08-04T11:15:03.963-04:00A Bleg...SeriouslyAnyone know MS Access really well? This may be a stupid question but I don't care. I'm doing a tab form and I need each tab in the form to look at a different table. I know how to make one tab look at a particular table but then each form looks at that table. How do I get each tab to look at a different table? There's got to be a way. Thank you in advance.Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123103007960211082005-08-03T16:56:00.000-04:002005-08-03T17:03:27.966-04:00And Jesus the Republican and Son of God (also a Republican) WeptJesus, you think you know someone. I mean really a Dem? I'm honestly crushed. I don't want to de-link her, I have to de-link her. I mean really...being a communist is just too much.Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123083780421675902005-08-03T11:20:00.000-04:002005-08-03T12:43:40.590-04:00Pleistozillas In The MistLast night while I was mowing the lawn, I found a dinosaur. Not a live one, you idiot. Everyone knows they've been extinct for hundreds of years. It was nicely preserved, however. It was by all appearances a tiny Brachiosaurus because it's neck was really long. When I showed it to my wife, she disagreed. She thought it was a possum. She said that it's neck wasn't Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123014939449996992005-08-02T16:22:00.000-04:002005-08-02T16:52:28.686-04:00Oooo, Taste The Saltiness And Crunchy Texture Of The Capers...Apparently someone else watches as much Food Network as me. But I have to take exception to his fascination with Giada DeLaurentiis. Yes, her boobs are spectacular, but watch her long enough and you'll want to kick her in the teeth. Her huge, shiny, blindingly white teeth. And she never puts them away. She's always smiling. You Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1123013728207468402005-08-02T16:13:00.000-04:002005-08-02T16:15:28.213-04:00Confessions...My wife doesn't bother balancing our checkbook. There, I've said it. Scandalous, I know.Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122929572120341182005-08-01T16:46:00.000-04:002005-08-01T16:52:52.126-04:00Ruminating On UrinatingHave you ever peed and it comes out in two streams - one stream is going in the toilet and the other is going on the floor? What's up with that? How does that happen? There's not a whole lot you can do about it because it's not your aim. It's that mutant second stream that's going all over the floor. I usually try the stop and re-start method. Sometimes it works and Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122918340838780302005-08-01T13:40:00.000-04:002005-08-01T16:59:34.370-04:00IslamakazisMark Steyn on Britain essentially funding terrorism:"Omar, who was last seen vaulting a barrier at Warren Street station, has been the registered occupant of the flat since 1999. Ibrahim, who was last seen in Hackney Road, East London, after his failed attempt to blow up a No. 26 bus, shared it with him for the past two years. Omar, received £88 a week in housing benefit to pay for theBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122906242363234912005-08-01T10:19:00.000-04:002005-08-01T10:24:02.366-04:00The War That's Not Really A War But Is Actually A War And Can't Be Called A War Because It Might Make People Think About War Andrew McCarthy renames the War on Terror:Let's call it "The Thing Involving the Teeny-Tiny Number of People Who Made Certain Things Go Boom After Reading that Book that We Didn't Flush and Who Absolutely, Positively Do Not Represent the Vast, Enormous Majority of Very, Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122671061190665202005-07-29T16:46:00.000-04:002005-07-29T17:06:40.276-04:00My Brother Has Huge TesticlesI don't think I could ever go to a nudist camp. For one thing, I don't think anybody really needs to see me naked. Plus, most people have really ugly naked bodies. One study that I completely made up says that ugly bodies nationally are up 18% from 2002. The overall "Really Fat and Ugly Body" figure is at 79%. More statistics to prove this is that baby boomers Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122660261691806842005-07-29T14:01:00.000-04:002005-07-29T14:05:07.266-04:00For My Dear Queer FriendThis is for Keith:Last Friday night, I went to see James Taylor, got stinking drunk and afterwards went skinny-dipping in my pool. You should have seen my lily white ass glistening in the moonlight. Note: I'm not gay. I swear. Not that there's anything wrong with that.Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122657980062156312005-07-29T13:25:00.000-04:002005-07-29T13:53:36.723-04:00Bloviating Inanities: Now with 51% More Idiocy!I am 51% Idiot.I am an idoit. Not as much as most. There are even people out there that annoy the hell out of me. What was I talking about?Take theIdiot Test@ FualiDotCom(via Keith - he has the hippie poll though)Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122581560634314582005-07-28T15:57:00.000-04:002005-07-28T16:14:19.186-04:00I believe...that Michael Moore doesn't believe a word he says. Even he is smart enough to know that every time he opens his mouth, he hears a cash register ring and that's good enough for him. Why let facts or research get in the way of all that money. Actually, it's really not Fat Mikey's fault, he's in it for the money. It's the moronic throngs that hang on his every word. MM: We need to Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122575337390768382005-07-28T14:23:00.000-04:002005-07-28T14:35:51.010-04:00BI Has A Conversation With A TaquitoBI: I love your crunchy exterior but could your meaty filling be any drier? Taquito: Si Senor! Wait till you bite into mi amigo next to the guacamole. BI: Hey, ever notice that Mexican food looks the same coming out as when it's going in? Taquito: I'm just a simple taquito, Senor so I won't know until tomorrow morning. Hopefully I'm not so dry and Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122573284777315222005-07-28T13:46:00.000-04:002005-07-28T13:55:28.053-04:00The Fly IIFly: You know I regularly hang out on piles of shit, right. Spider: Doesn't much matter to me. You're here now. Fly: I live on shit, man! Doesn't that bother you in the slightest? I've been like marinating in shit!Spider: Fly: I'm serious. Come here and smell me. On second thought, just smell me from over there. Bill: I'm sorry. I don't have the vaguest idea where this Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122560923749657682005-07-28T10:26:00.000-04:002005-07-28T13:17:33.376-04:00The FlySpider: Fly: So, what's it like to have eight of those? Must be nice. Spider: Yeah, stability's nice. Don't fall over much. Fly: Can I go now? Spider: Uh, no.Update: Ironmike writes in comments:"Could be redone as followsMetrosexual Blue state psuedointellectualIslamofascistMBSP- Nice head scarf thingy, very world music. Power to the People!IF-Thanks, it keeps the sweat out of myBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122495650976728272005-07-27T16:18:00.000-04:002005-07-28T08:48:21.290-04:00No One Is Linking Me And That Makes Me SadPlease, everybody has to link me. Everybody!!! I'm getting like 5 hits a day which is down from like 100,000 a day I was getting before I temporarily quit blogging. It's very disheartening when no one is reading my brilliance. Don't make me do anything rash. I swear to God I'll do something rash even if that means getting a rash. I have poison ivy in my Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122493957694534812005-07-27T15:45:00.000-04:002005-07-27T16:04:07.056-04:00It's Hot Today. No Really. Today is very hot. The heat index is 115. That's pretty hot if you ask me. How hot is it? It's so hot that the physical act of bringing a cigarette up to your mouth makes you pant and sweat. The physical act of trying not to do anything physical makes you sweat. The physical act of sweating makes you sweat. It's so hot that flies and mosquitoes are bitching Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122492536577975732005-07-27T15:25:00.000-04:002005-07-27T15:31:02.100-04:00Stupid Rednecks Not So StupidClick to next image. Heh.Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122492185426979482005-07-27T15:10:00.000-04:002005-07-27T15:23:05.433-04:00Gunner PalaceMy brother did the soundtrack to this movie. The good news is it's mentioned in today's NRO. The bad news is that fatboy Michael Moore is using it in his bullshit film festival in Michigan. Apparently he's using it to show "the boring hopeless" that is Iraq. Obviously I saw Gunner Palace and let me tell you, it's not an anti-war film by any stretch. It's a film about the Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122307072063405232005-07-25T11:56:00.000-04:002005-07-25T11:57:52.066-04:00Unpleasant Thought Of The Day There is nothing like the intermingling smell of cherry scented urinal cakes and shit.Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122176735171845362005-07-23T23:18:00.000-04:002005-07-24T00:33:33.400-04:00BI Has A Conversation With A Leftover Plate of Vermicelli with Shitake Mushrooms, Shallots, Garlic and Capers (title remind you of anyone*) Me: Roberts seems to be qualified, no? I mean he's argued like 40 cases in front of the Supreme Court.Shitake Mushrooms: Shouldn't you have soaked us for a while?Me:Shitake Mushrooms: That's why we were crunchy, asshole.Me: Judge Roberts would never hear Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-1122136062512921672005-07-23T12:03:00.000-04:002005-07-23T13:38:06.936-04:00#Error"My Life is a circular reference". I thought of that sentence the other night and after 11 vodka and tonics it sounded pretty profound. I have no idea what the hell it means however. If anybody has any ideas, feel free to share.Speaking of circular references, a lot of people have been asking me about the recent SCOTUS nominee (and by a lot of people, I mean two of my cats), and in my Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-848452552002-11-20T20:40:00.000-05:002002-11-20T20:41:22.000-05:00I have Moved - It's Official!
Drop everything, go to the new and improved Bloviating Inanities. Now with 26% More Crap!!!
Add it to your bookmarks, favorites, whatever and never ever come here again. It'll be like going to an ancient indian burial ground - you'll have bad dreams and black stuff will come out of your toilet. Bad, bad, bad!!
Go towards the light! And Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-848399882002-11-20T18:41:00.000-05:002002-11-20T18:44:18.000-05:00Blu-vie Reviews
Blu aka The Mouth also does movie reviews. Hysterically funny ones. One thing though - whenever Blu sends me somewhere, I never know where I am. Am I at Blu's page? Is Blu here? Did Blu write this? Where the hell am I? Wherever I end up, whenever I'm there, it's always interesting and funny. I just don't know where there is. Do you deliberately not want anybody to knowBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-848389682002-11-20T18:18:00.000-05:002002-11-20T19:24:43.000-05:00Bad News And Bad Breaks
Blogger was down almost all day for one reason or another. First I got a message that basically said the server has crapped out so we are alternating the useless, cheap bastards that use Blogger for free. I must have been put on a queue because I was able to post about two hours later. Then Page Cannot Be Displayed for the rest of the day. It didn't happen to my pageBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-848162782002-11-20T09:53:00.000-05:002002-11-20T09:54:11.000-05:00Priming The Chump
The only thing more surprising that having a whole website dedicated to the intricacies of Rock, Paper, Scissors is that almost 500,000 people have been there.
Bloviating Inanities: Dumbing down America one post at a time.
Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-848151182002-11-20T09:27:00.000-05:002002-11-20T09:27:56.286-05:00Of Bongwater And Bleats
Why should you read Lileks every damn day? Because he's brilliant and I said so. Today:
Everyone is sick of the election rehash, and sicker still of the Wellstone memorial story, but: one detail needs relating. Got it first hand the other day from someone who attended. As they were waiting for the event to begin, they noticed a big beach ball bouncing around the Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-848124172002-11-20T08:08:00.000-05:002002-11-20T08:43:21.000-05:00Merry Christmas, Fatso!
Go buy Michael Moore a Christmas present or two.
Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847883582002-11-19T19:25:00.000-05:002002-11-19T19:43:23.000-05:00Six Degrees Of A Bunch A Crap
Ready for mine? My sister used to live with this guy, who's brother went to Hofstra University with Francis Ford Coppola who must have, at one point, run into Kevin Bacon at a party or something. Is that six? Who cares.
Note: A Bunch A Crap is the registered trademark of my friend David and may not be used in whole or in part (well, maybe in part, since he Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847783232002-11-19T15:46:00.000-05:002002-11-19T16:21:18.000-05:00I Love Lesbians And Lesbians Love Me!
Blu over at Blu Iguana? The Mouth? Dyke Write? has me in her Loves column. Thanks! I'm flattered.
Dyke Write's the community, right? Anyway, go visit her. I really do love lesbians. Ask my wife. Unfortunately, I can't be in the club. The token guy has been chosen. Hoopty's a lucky man. You can still take a look around and keep abreast (no pun Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847758642002-11-19T14:50:00.000-05:002002-11-19T14:53:18.000-05:00Have I Mentioned I Also Hate Al Gore?
I saw Al this morning being interviewed by Gore whore, Katie Couric. He, of course, disagreed again with the way Bush is handling the war. He said something like - I think we should have had an international force in Afghanistan because now the warlords have taken over, the Taliban and Al Qaeda are back, blah-dy blah blah. What? Where does this former Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847742092002-11-19T14:13:00.000-05:002002-11-19T14:14:00.000-05:00Beat It
This white girl needs a beatin'. Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847662742002-11-19T10:48:00.000-05:002002-11-19T10:48:22.460-05:00Does The Fun Ever Start?
I'm getting traffic from my Mother-in-law and she's only been blogging for two days. That's just wrong. Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847653712002-11-19T10:27:00.000-05:002002-11-19T10:37:51.000-05:00A Tart Likes Me
I like her too. And that tart also speaks. She's not feeling all warm and fuzzy about the holidays either. Cheer up, Tartness, worse days are coming!
Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847647662002-11-19T10:13:00.000-05:002002-11-19T10:14:18.000-05:00Domestic Disturbances
Two things - I went to do the dishes last night and reached for the sponge but instead picked up a small cactus by the sink. Who's bright idea was it to have a cactus next to the sponge (Alice)? So the first three fingers on my right hand are killing me. Then I went to make dinner and sliced open the first finger on my left hand while cutting up Chorizo sausage with a Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847626172002-11-19T09:18:00.000-05:002002-11-19T09:20:08.000-05:00An Open Letter To A Company I Won't Name But It Rymes With Mosting Hatters
Dear Mosting Hatters,
I was going to write a lengthy, ranty letter and go on and on about how difficult some websites make it for you to pay for goods or services but I have decided instead to just send you to the Bloviating Inanities Store. Have fun!!
Regards,
Bill
Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847442452002-11-18T23:08:00.000-05:002002-11-19T07:58:36.000-05:00Real Time Rants
I have been to a ton of sites and ordered a ton of shit off of a lot of them. It's easy - pick what you want - add to cart - pay.
But some sites make it impossible to fucking pay. I want to but I can't. I don't know how to change my billing information. I am sitting here right now staring at the screen and a credit card number and I am not allowed to pay these people. TheBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847239762002-11-18T15:57:00.000-05:002002-11-18T15:58:15.000-05:00Everybody's Doing It
Well, it was bound to happen. In an effort to dumb down the blogworld, my yappy mother-in-law has started a blog. It's called Anything Goes. And I was tempted not to link to her because while she acknowledges that I set up the blog for her, she didn't link me. Thanks, Madonna. She doesn't have a comments section yet either so I'm sure I'll be doing that for her.
Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847229192002-11-18T15:34:00.000-05:002002-11-18T15:43:51.000-05:00Good Vibrations
More from News of the Weird:
September reports in the New York Post and the Toronto Star, quoting parents' Web site "reviews" of the Mattel $19.99 Nimbus 2000 plastic-replica broomstick from the latest Harry Potter movie, highlighted its battery-powered special effect: vibration. Wrote a Texas mother: "I was surprised at how long (my daughter and her friends) can just sit in herBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847200452002-11-18T14:29:00.000-05:002002-11-18T14:29:42.786-05:00I Was Nominated For A Darwin Award
A few years ago in the spring, I was attempting to simply open a window to let a little fresh air in. It was stuck so I went and got a screw-driver. Actually, no I didn't. I just kept pushing until the window opened - permanently - because I had rammed my elbows through the pane. So naturally I'm bleeding all over the place. The wife wraps the bloody armsBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847126152002-11-18T11:48:00.000-05:002002-11-18T13:44:40.000-05:00G-File
Jonah Goldberg got a promotion over at NRO. Consequently, there's a whole lot of back-slapping going on over in G-Fileville. It's not pretty.
I know it's from Friday but I've been busy.
Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847075812002-11-18T10:04:00.000-05:002002-11-18T10:50:58.000-05:00La Belle Dame Sans Regrets
Got a nice link from Andrea over in Spleenville. Thanks.
Oh, and who do you have to blow around here to get banned in China?
Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847062392002-11-18T09:24:00.000-05:002002-11-18T09:26:29.000-05:00I Fell Out Of The Stupid Tree And Hit Every Branch On The Way Down
I don't know if anybody has tried to e-mail me using the link to the left but it's been wrong for weeks because I'm an idiot. It's correct now. And thanks to Madonna (not that Madonna), for pointing it out.
Moron!
I know! I just said that. Leave me alone. Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-847060342002-11-18T09:14:00.000-05:002002-11-18T09:19:18.000-05:00Lasers Are Cool
This THEL chemical laser can shoot down short range warheads (check out the video). I was wondering if this would replace Star Wars but it's actually part of it. They're working on making it long range. Couldn't this be used on offense as well as defense? I don't see why not. Also, check the main page to see all the other cool stuff we have developed. Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-846594852002-11-17T08:44:00.000-05:002002-11-18T07:44:16.000-05:00No Soup For You!
Here's an idea - Rachel Lucas, Misha and Michele open a retaurant called RestauRANT. The food is great, the ambiance different. One of them always hosts:
R/M/M: Party of...?
Jane Doe: Oh, four.
R/M/M: And how many idiotarians?
Jane: Idiotarians?
R/M/M: You know, idiots, moh-rons, nipple piercers?
Jane: Oh, right. We have two.
R/M/M: Follow me to your Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-846565922002-11-17T06:01:00.000-05:002002-11-17T07:15:41.000-05:00Fine - Then Go Sleep On That Bench!
In my continuing effort to not actually write stuff - here's more weird stuff:
According to a September New York Times report, New York City homeless-shelter workers believe that "50 to 75 percent" of the current population of 8,000 families (2,000 more than the year before) are "unreasonably picky" about moving into permanent assisted housing, thus remainingBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-846347552002-11-16T16:54:00.000-05:002002-11-16T16:54:51.893-05:00
Those Wacky Canadians
More from News of the Weird...sorry, I can't help myself.
[A] middle-aged man...was let off with a warning for swerving across the road because his dog was licking his ear (and who, the officer discovered, was also shoeless, with banana peels wrapped around his feet, supposedly a remedy for bunions). [Toronto Star, 7-2-02]
What can you add to that.
Well, this. In my Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-846227762002-11-16T10:25:00.000-05:002002-11-16T10:25:10.656-05:00
Up To 60% off - No Money Down Until 2004!!!
LifeGem Memorials (Elk Grove Village, Ill.) announced in August that, using available technology, it can turn a loved one's cremated ashes into a diamond by pressing and heating the ashes to 5,400 degrees Fahrenheit. A chemistry professor cited by The New York Times agreed that the plan was sound; carbon from the ashes converts to graphite, which can Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-846217942002-11-16T09:48:00.000-05:002002-11-16T10:11:14.000-05:00And The War On Terror Rages On...And Other Way Important Stuff
More from the Weird Department:
...News From the Front Lines: ...[A]ccording to a June report in Lebanon Daily Star (via The Wall Street Journal), Israeli and Hezbollah forces on the Lebanese border, on stand-down from live ammunition, recently exchanged "fire" with a paint-gun blast, pingpong balls and eggs. [Wall Street Journal Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-846190422002-11-16T07:38:00.000-05:002002-11-16T09:18:15.000-05:00Why God, Why?
From the Weird Department:
For an anniversary tribute to Sept. 11 victims, the city of Jersey City, N.J., planned to release a flock of doves at a downtown ceremony, but since officials waited until the last minute to order the doves, all suppliers were sold out. Jersey City wound up having to use pigeons (which had been caged most of their lives), and observers at the solemn Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-846178372002-11-16T06:29:00.000-05:002002-11-16T06:34:35.000-05:00Not A Porn Site - I Think.
Artchick is tired. So am I. But I did find out what type of porn star I should be.
Note to Artchick: I AM THE LOUSY WRITER AROUND HERE! And I don't appreciate you stealing the title when you most definetly are not. Remove Lousy Writer from your site or the law suits will commence.
Thank you in advance,
Bill
Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-845813942002-11-15T11:16:00.000-05:002002-11-15T11:17:54.000-05:00Required Reading
Lileks on a recent painting of a "martyr" wearing a bomb-belt:
Look. The people who actually use these devices think they will be instantly whisked to heaven so they can poke holes in six dozen hymens. The people who use these belts kill women and children and young girls and old men. They blow their legs off. They shoot nails through their eye sockets. You who are so horrifiedBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-845783322002-11-15T10:00:00.000-05:002002-11-15T10:00:20.653-05:00
Uh, Oh
I just noticed that instead of the regular company van with the company logo parked in the company van space, there is a two-tone Ford Club Wagon complete with carpeting, curtains and a If this thing's a-rockin' - don't come a-knockin' bumpersticker. This makes me worry about the overall health of the company. Have we been bought out by Cheech and Chong?
Alice - prepare for the Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-845776472002-11-15T09:42:00.000-05:002002-11-15T09:45:10.000-05:00Hoo Hoo Dilly
If you Google "Hoo Hoo Dilly"...
Why would I do that?
Just trust me - you come up with Squirrel Bait, sawed off shotguns and of course, Hoo Hoo Dilly's.
What the hell are you talking about?
I don't know. It's all makes sense in my head.
Also, Southern people are crazy. That's why I moved here.
Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-845768512002-11-15T09:21:00.000-05:002002-11-15T09:22:57.000-05:00We Kill Terrorists
I am happy to report that my home state of Virginia has killed terrorist scumbag, Aimal Khan Kasi, last night at around 9:00.
Here's what his 'peaceful' brother, Nasibullah Kasi had to say:
Kasis are a peaceful tribe. We want peaceful solutions to every problem. We do not want the Kasi name to be used to harm anybody.
Huh? Somebody tell that to the families of Frank Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-845752972002-11-15T08:33:00.000-05:002002-11-15T08:37:38.000-05:00The Continental
Tonight I am going to dinner with a Norwegian, a Spaniard, a Venezuelan, a Canadian and a Redneck. And we're going to a Thai restaurant. So there. That should end the misconception that Republicans are rascist and intolerant and not inclusive and anti-diversity.
I have a feeling we'll be talking about soccer a lot.
Nobody cares about your dinner arrangements.
Yeah, Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-845749502002-11-15T08:21:00.000-05:002002-11-15T08:21:31.516-05:00We Still Don't Get Mail
Several readers have written in, and by several I mean none, to ask If I am gay and having an affair with Keith due to our recent linkfest.
The answer is - Yes, I'm not gay and no I am not having an affair with Keith. But only because I found the fair Alice first.
And Thanks for not asking. Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-845746782002-11-15T08:11:00.000-05:002002-11-15T08:11:43.740-05:00Spectacular Attack?
After hearing what Intelligence officials call "chatter", Alice Cimino reported that she heard some "chatter" from her husband in the shower this morning. "He was muttering something about beating the trashy next door neighbors about the chest, neck, breast and head areas", she said. "He chatters about this all the time but he has yet to follow through", she noted.
In Billnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3848843.post-845538942002-11-14T20:44:00.000-05:002002-11-14T20:51:35.000-05:00Pop Tart Bloggers and Bubblegum Tongues
Well, it all makes sense now. If you come here. And you're insane. My wife finished the last of the friggin' purple Pop Tarts that have caused so much turmoil over the past few days, as she read this post. Irony doesn't begin to explain it.
So I am a Pop Tart blogger after all.
Still love you, Al.
Thanks, Keith. But please don't ever link me Billnoreply@blogger.com